Five Struggles Women With Larger Bodies Face at Work

You may not be able to change weight bias, but you can change how you react to it

This article is the first in a series addressing the challenges that women with larger bodies and those with poor body image face in corporate America and what they can do about it. 

I’m choosing to use the terms “larger bodies” and “higher weight”. Even though “fat” can simply be a descriptor, like “short” or “tall, it’s widely used in our culture as an insult. I could use the term “fat” as a way of reclaiming its meaning as a simple descriptor. For this article, I’m choosing not to use the term “fat” because my body is average-sized. I buy clothes that fit me off the rack. I have not lived in a larger body and can’t share my experience of this. I’m sharing my observations from clients and from my own experience as someone who had poor body image in the past.

Body Size and Body Image

I won’t assume that every woman with a larger body has a poor body image. I also know that women with average or slim-sized bodies have poor body image. Although I’m sharing here the struggles women with larger bodies may face because of their size, some of these struggles may come from their body image. Therefore, you may have an average-sized body and feel confronted with these obstacles in the workplace. 

Meet Carol

In a recent market research interview, Carol (not her real name) shared her experience of her weight in the workplace. “When I first started here, I was at my thinnest and got attention from the owner of the company. He would stop by my desk, chat and ask me what I was working on. I had an injury during the pandemic shutdown and couldn’t work out. I’ve gained weight. Now, when I’m in the office, he barely notices me. I wonder if he doesn’t recognize me. Now that I think about it, when I look around the office, most of the consultants (that work with clients) that he hires are all thin.” 

Weight Bias

Carol’s experience with her boss at work may have everything to do with her weight, or there may be other factors involved. Yet, the research is clear. Weight bias in the workplace is significant, primarily because of the stereotypes employers have of higher-weight people. This qualitative review shows that people in larger bodies are assumed to be less motivated, conscientious, trusted, and reliable. They’re believed to be emotionally unstable, have lower interpersonal skills, and are less productive. As a result, people in larger bodies are at a higher risk of being discriminated against around hiring and promotion decisions. 

Women in larger bodies are trying to survive working in environments that may not value or respect them because of weight bias. It’s challenging to change and shift a company’s culture and individual belief systems. But you can be aware of how you’re reacting to this bias by being more aware of these inner obstacles. 

Here are five obstacles that you’re likely facing. 

#1: You feel invisible. 

This is how Carol felt. It may be subtle or overt. Not only do you feel like you’re not acknowledged when you walk in the room, but you also don’t get addressed or spoken to. You may feel paranoid around this, except you notice that when your counterpart who is in a smaller body gets more attention than you do. 

This may feel conflicting. You don’t like not being acknowledged or noticed. But you may also not feel safe to be visible because of your body. 

#2: Proving yourself is as important as ever. 

Some ambitious women with poor body image will do whatever it takes to prove themselves as competent and effective, as a way of ensuring their body size isn’t an obstacle. What’s wrong with that? you ask. 

Proving yourself is an exhaustive and never-ending endeavor. Women often sacrifice their health and sanity by putting in long hours at work and forgoing other activities in life that support their health and happiness. They aren’t just trying to do high-quality work, they are trying to show the world they’re worth because they see their body size as a problem. 

#3: You need to show co-workers and clients that you’re trying to lose weight. And you’re suspecting they assume you’re trying. 

While at a business lunch with a client, you don’t think twice about what you order to eat. Something light, like a salad with grilled chicken or soup. Or, you’ll make sure that you don’t eat the full meal, and ask the server for a take-out box. 

It’s stressful to feel other people watching what you eat. One client shared that avoids eating in the cafeteria and just snacks on a granola bar at her desk. She waits to eat when she’s in the privacy of her own home. 

#4: You may be preoccupied with your weight and food. 

We live in a culture where dieting is normal. Women with larger bodies are being told their body is a problem, and dieting is the most common “solution” given to them. Yet, dieting doesn’t lead to long-term weight loss. Instead, dieters are distracted, often feel guilty and ashamed, feel like a failure, and are consumed with how to lose weight. This takes a tremendous amount of time and energy, things that the ambitious woman in the workplace doesn’t have much to spare. 

#5: You hide. 

Many women with poor body image see their bodies as something wrong or bad. Hiding, which can include not showing up and being seen in public and covering up in dark or oversized clothes, is a tactic used to keep people from judging their bodies. If they aren’t seen, they won’t be looked up and down in disdain or receive comments about their weight. 

These struggles pose challenges to your own professional advancement, health, and happiness.  

How can you share your ideas, take risks, and ask for more responsibility and more exposure, if you’re hiding, preoccupied and feeling (and being) judged? 

Now that I’ve shared what these five struggles are, in my next article I’ll share how they impact you. 

Would you be willing to share your experience with your weight in the workplace?

Feeling Stuck Professionally? Changing Your Relationship with Your Body Will Propel You Forward

The massive relief I felt the morning after I was fired from my job was palpable. I was shocked by how differently I felt. I knew that the office politics, the post-merger tension, the budget cuts, and the bleak financial forecast were all wearing me down. But I had no idea it had a physical effect on me until I was free of it. 

It was as if the signals of my body were turned on, bright and blinding. I couldn’t look away if I tried. 

This was a pivotal moment for me. I was starting to tune into my body. 

I had spent decades fighting with my body, but that’s not what I called it at the time. I was dieting and trying to lose that post-pregnancy weight after having three kids. I was constantly running, biking, and working out. My size ten body just wasn’t slim enough. I saw myself as the “big girl” with big bones. In my mind, my body wasn’t good enough and I needed to make it better. 

What I didn’t realize at the time is that by fighting my body, I was disconnected from it. 

I know I’m not alone with this. A coaching colleague recently shared with me that he used to live his life from his neck up. This was his way of telling me that he was disconnected from his body too.  

We haven’t been taught to tune into our bodies. Are you angry? Let it go. Are you sad? Hide it. Are you not feeling well? Just keep going. Are you tired? Get a coffee.   

Over 90% of women are dissatisfied with their bodies. You don’t have to have a poor body image to be disconnected from your body. But if you are unhappy or even hate the body you have, you’re unlikely to want to respect it, and tune into it. Folks with poor body image spend their energy judging their body from the outside. They don’t know how to live inside of it. 

My clients share with me time and time again what it’s like to be disassociated and fight with their bodies. 

They skip lunch and then get so angry at themselves when they overeat after dinner. 

They get emotionally overwhelmed because of a disagreement they had with their boss and can’t find the focus to be productive the rest of the day. 

They beat themselves up for not finding time to work out, even though they’re a single mom with two tweens at home, work full-time and are overloaded with volunteer opportunities. 

For these folks, their body and their basic needs are dismissed and devalued. We’ve been taught to prioritize productivity and honoring our professional responsibilities over caring for ourselves. 

What price are you paying? 

Years ago, my body knew what it was like to feel that relief. I’m sure it also knew what it was like to feel the stress and burden I was experiencing in the years leading up to that point. But I didn’t notice or feel that. Instead, I just put my head down and tried to survive it. 

What signals from your body are you dismissing? 

Do you keep telling yourself that  “you can do this” but deep down, you know you’re completely exhausted and depleted? 

Are you feeling stuck and are just trying to survive life at work? 

It’s not just a price you're paying. There is an opportunity cost you’re missing.  When you start to tune into your needs, you’ll know how to manage stress, anxiety and any emotional ups and downs. Your body holds intuition and wisdom. When you tune into your body, you’ll be more creative and connected to your passion and purpose. Instead of fighting yourself, you’ll feel more in the flow because you’re aligned with yourself. 

Would you like to move forward professionally, but you’re not sure where to start? 

I work with ambitious women that are tired of the struggle with their body image and perfectionism and are ready to move to the next level professionally. If this is you, schedule a clarity call with me to explore how we can work together.

Getting Comfortable With the Discomfort of Owning Your Achievements

Years ago, my son Ryan's little league baseball team won his league's world series. This was a surprise because his team lost as many games as they won during the regular season. But during the playoffs, the team came together, each of them playing their best. 

After the championship game, while parents and players were screaming and cheering, I noticed his coach was barely celebrating at all. I was expecting him to be thrilled and beaming with pride, especially considering the odds he helped his team overcome. I heard him mumble something about next season in the post-game team huddle. 

Sadly, not owning and celebrating achievements is pretty common, especially among high-achieving women. It can feel uncomfortable to draw attention to themselves. There is an assumption that hard work should be noticed on its own, and bragging about it could diminish its quality and integrity. 

Achievements like earning a promotion or landing a speaking gig can often be minimized by assuming they come from luck or personal connections. When folks don’t take credit for these wins, they don’t acknowledge their own hard work and brilliance. 

It’s very common for women to automatically want to move on to the next thing. They close down a successful project and instead of taking the time to celebrate and own their success, they get energized and ready for the next project. 

Ready to own your achievements? 

Take the time to pause and sit in the initial discomfort of owning your success. Yes, you’ve been taught and trained to be humble and modest. But that conditioning isn’t helping you to achieve the success you’re yearning for. 

Acknowledging yourself and your contributions is a critical habit, especially if you’re feeling like you’re on a gerbil wheel, exhausted and overworked. By owning your achievements, you’re training your brain to collect evidence around the impact you’re having. 

I start each client coaching call by asking my client, what can we celebrate? If you have someone to confide in, let them know what you’re practicing and ask them to team up with you. If you don’t, journaling works too. Prompt yourself with  “I’m proud of myself that I …..”,  “I acknowledge myself for ….”, and  “I’m celebrating myself for …. .”  

This builds your self-awareness around your strengths and talents. When you start to notice not only what you accomplished but what it took for you to get there, you’re moving in the direction you want to go. 

As this becomes a habit, you’ll see opportunities to bring your accomplishments to the partners and senior leaders in your firm. This will raise your visibility and put you in the running for new opportunities. 

You can also model this practice with your team and co-workers so they can learn how to claim their achievements too. 

But most importantly, owning your achievements is a powerful practice of honoring yourself.

An Unsuspecting Professional Obstacle: Negative Body Image

Andrea, a fictitious typical client, has an important presentation to give today to her client’s board. Even though she’s confident in her preparation, she’s dreading what to wear. 

She wishes her favorite suit would still fit. Her go-to blouse is snug in all the wrong places. She’s frustrated with her weight, her body and herself. How could she let herself get here? Ultimately, 

she opted for the safe bet; something flowy that covers her up in dark colors, the ones that will make her blend in, not stand out. 

If you can relate to Andrea, you know what confidence in many areas of your life feels like. But when it comes to how you look and your body size, you feel like you're lacking and not measuring up. 

Your worries about your body don’t start and end when you’re getting dressed. You’ve developed an inner dialogue that’s constantly criticizing yourself. The internal conversation often gets louder and meaner when you're shocked as you catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror or look at a picture of yourself. 

Body image is a sensitive topic, especially in the workplace. When you’ve proven yourself to be an outstanding leader and highly competent in your role, it’s risky to share your vulnerabilities about how you feel about your body. 

This is why when you consider how you can continue to advance professionally, your negative body image may not even be on your radar as an obstacle. Many people who have a poor body image have been challenged by it for most of their lives and just see it as something they need to deal with. 

We aren’t freely talking about body image. But it’s likely impacting you personally and professionally. 

What Body Image Is

Essentially, it’s the image you have of your own body and it’s the image you have of what you think others think of your body. Even if you try to not think about your body, you still have an image of it. 

Your body image was formed at a young age when you noticed your own body and how it fit into the ideals of culture. You’re well aware of what an ideal body looks like and the praise women receive for having an ideal (or nearly ideal) body. They’re seen as beautiful, strong, capable, attractive and sexy. 

Your body image isn’t about the size of your body, it’s about how you see yourself as a whole person because of the size and shape of your body. If you see yourself as overweight, you may see yourself as bad, wrong, unattractive, or out of control. 

Not surprisingly, having a poor body image impacts your confidence. Just like Andrea. She felt confident to some degree, but her body image made her self-conscious. 

Your body image sits on a spectrum. You don’t just have a great body image or a negative one. You likely have something in between. And your body image can change over time. 

Here’s a few things to consider as you take stock of your body image: 

• Do you consider your body an enemy, a stranger, a casual acquaintance or your best friend? 

• How much time do you spend thinking about your weight, the size of your body and what you eat? 

• Do you try to avoid and push away any thoughts about your body? 

• Are you working hard to try to lose weight and improve your body? 

• How often do you have negative internal conversations about your body? 

Over 85% of adult women in the United States are unhappy and dissatisfied with their bodies. Negative feelings about our bodies are ubiquitous, but that’s not a reason to live with this negativity and discomfort. In addition, your body image impacts many areas of your life; your relationship with food, your sex life, your self-care, and undoubtedly, your performance and advancement in the workplace. 

Here is why. 

• Poor body image is taking up valuable time and energy. 

• You’re hiding yourself because it doesn’t feel safe to be visible. 

• You don’t feel truly confident. 

• You often overcompensate professionally by trying to be perfect. This is just exhausting. 

• You’re often waiting for external recognition from others. Because you’ve bought into the idea that you’ll feel more confident when you’ve lost weight, you don’t ask, put yourself out there or initiate. You’re waiting for your body to change to go after your dreams. 

• You’re disconnected from your body. You don’t take care of it because you don’t like it. 

I’m not advocating for you to try to fix or change your body so you can feel better about it. Doing so will only reinforce a negative body image. You don’t need to change your body to change your body image. 

Instead, start to notice how you relate to your body. How often do you tune in and listen? Notice how you talk to yourself about your body. 

This may be confirming what you’ve been suspecting for a long time; your relationship with your body needs improving.

Ready to get coaching around changing your body image so you can advance professionally on your own terms?  Book a clarity call with me.

Running on Fumes? Can’t Step off the Gerbil Wheel?

My clients are exceptionally efficient. Take Julie for example. She’s only been in her role for 2 years and she’s already taking on director-level responsibilities. She does her job and then some. She has no problem stepping up and challenging herself professionally. 

Yet, by the end of each work week, Julie’s completely fried. She’s so depleted that she doesn’t have the energy to do those things that are important to her. She’s often too tired to sleep. Her body is exhausted, but her mind won’t rest. 

Like Julie, you have too much to do and not enough time to do it all. And you’ve gotten good at getting shit done. You know how to multitask. You’re exceptional at managing projects and making sure you hit each deadline. 

My clients realize they’re working at an unsustainable pace. But they don’t know how to step off of the proverbial gerbil wheel. If this is you, I want to let you know what’s really going on here and give you one thing you can do right away. 

Ambitious women have been required to prove themselves. We’ve learned this from a young age. Remember the pressure you felt to do well in high school to get into the right college? And then in college, you had to make the Dean’s list. Your high achievements have been swiftly acknowledged. You’ve climbed the ladder. Received promotions and raises. 

Working hard, going above and beyond, and trying to do the “right” thing has gotten you far. But it’s not going to get you any further when you’re trying to prove that you’re perfect. When women try to be perfect or meet a standard they believe they need to be, they will sacrifice their own time, health, and sanity to reach it. 

Julie’s doing whatever it takes to prove herself. You likely are too. And when it comes to trying to be perfect, there is NEVER a time or accomplishment that allows you to feel like you are perfect. The finish line keeps moving. This is why you feel like you can’t step off the gerbil wheel. 

Meanwhile, you’re prioritizing everyone else’s needs ahead of your own. Client’s deadlines get met. Staff reviews get written and delivered. The kids get driven to their sports practices. Dinner’s on the table. 

Caring for yourself comes last. In some cases, gladly. Because you’ve told yourself that the accolades that come from being great or even exceptional are more important than sleep, nourishment, play, peace or relaxation.  Or, you couldn’t bear the thought of “failing” and letting someone down. Only getting five or six hours of sleep is a worthwhile price to pay. 

Do you see the trap you’re in? There is no way you’re getting to that finish line when you’re trying to meet someone else’s standards. Ever. How do I know this with such certainty? If I know you the way I think I do, you’ve already put in an immense amount of time and energy to be perfect. And in your mind, you’re not there yet. If there was a real finish line, you would have crossed it by now?

Ready for a change? Today, take a lunch break. Eat lunch. Not at your desk. Not while you’re on your phone. Fix yourself something you’ll enjoy eating. Give yourself 20-30 minutes and just eat. 

This is probably going to be hard for you. Don’t blow it off. By taking a small fraction of time in your day for yourself you’re choosing to prioritize yourself and your needs. It will likely feel uncomfortable. You may try to convince yourself that this is a worthless endeavor. If that’s what you believe, then definitely make sure you do this. 

Proving that you’re perfect or trying to prove that you’re perfect is deep-in-your-bones exhausting. You can’t work your way out of this. When you can see the trap you’re in, you just need to stop running.

It’s Time To Stop Criticizing Yourself So Often

Here’s a Way To Forgive Yourself so You Can Move On

Years ago when I was working as a corporate controller, I keyed in the wrong payroll information and one of our employees wasn't paid. I was sick to my stomach. I prided myself on double and triple checking my work, but this one slipped through the cracks. Of course, I fixed it, apologized and made sure the employee was paid as soon as she could have been. But while it was happening, I was beating myself up. How could I let this happen? I needed to be more careful! This is embarrassing. 

From then on, every time I processed payroll, the memory of that mistake would come back and I worried I’d make another one. Even though the mistake was far in the past, I kept bringing it to the present and would ruminate on it. 

Many high-achieving women are slow to forgive themselves.They hold onto a mistake or misstep, ruminate and rehash it, and beat themselves up for it. Their mistake could have happened 10 years, 10 weeks, 10 days or 10 minutes ago. It still occupies a lot of space in their minds.  In a 2016 study of 2,000 women in the UK, it was found that women criticize themselves at least eight times a day.  

When our expectations are high for ourselves, there is little room for messing up. We work hard to be prepared, to double check our work, do the right thing and make the best choice. These expectations don't just live in the office, they can include how we juggle our home life, how we work out and the food choices we make. 

Some folks are under the misconception that holding onto mistakes will help minimize them in the future. The reality is that after a few moments of reflection, holding onto a mistake only erodes our confidence and distracts us from what's happening in the present moment. 

How can you be fully present when you're beating yourself up for overeating at dinner? Or, re-writing that email response you sent this morning in your mind? Or, wishing you weren't late picking up your kid at basketball practice? 

While you're beating yourself up, you're also letting the magic of the moment slip by. You may miss listening to an important conversation, noticing how warm the sun feels, or enjoying a lovely meal. Essentially, when you don't forgive yourself quickly, you're allowing yourself to be robbed. 

Forgiving ourselves quickly takes some practice and willingness. Start by noticing the cost of not forgiving yourself, because there is one.  Catch yourself when you start to beat yourself up. 

When I was training to be a yoga teacher, I was taught the importance of forgiving myself in the moment. It's called instant forgiveness. It's common for teachers, especially new ones, to forget to call a pose or mix up their lefts and their rights (it's harder than you think!). If a teacher makes a mistake and beats themselves up for it for the rest of the class, they rob themselves of the peace or excitement they could feel at that moment and they rob their students of their full engagement. 

One of the tactics my yoga mentor would teach us would be to say "So what".  You forgot a pose, "so what". By saying "so what", you lessen the negative meaning your mistake has on you.  In "How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job" the authors recommend a similar approach when you're plagued with ruminating on your past mistakes. They suggest saying "oh, well" to yourself. There was a mistake on page 6 of your presentation, "oh, well". You felt nervous and stumbled over your words at your last talk, "oh, well". 

Whether you say "so, what" or "oh, well", remind yourself that your mistakes aren't something you need to carry with you into the future. You can learn from them and move on. And the quicker you can do this, the more you and everyone around you will benefit from it. 

The Unspoken Costs of Hating Your Body

Sara dreads the days when she has to leave her home office to see a client or meet her team in the office because she can’t just wear a blouse and comfy yoga pants. Days before, she plans what to wear but can’t find something she feels that great in. This is when her negative self-talk about her body starts to get really loud. “I can’t believe I’ve let myself get here. I wish I could lose some weight.” 

When she settles on a pair of dress pants, she feels self conscious because they feel so snug around her waist. All day, she makes sure she’s covered up with a blazer. She doesn’t want others to notice how snug her clothes are and judge her for it. 

These thoughts occupy her mind most of the day. Sure, Sara has a busy day with some month-end deadlines. But every time she catches herself in the mirror or walks into a meeting, her negative self-talk starts up again. And it’s pretty cruel. 

When clients like Sara share with me what it’s like to hate their body, the things they say to themselves are really hard for me to hear. “I’m disgusting.” “What’s wrong with me?” Ironically, it’s not hard for my client to speak to herself so harshly. She’s used to talking to herself like this. For clients like Sara, this is a familiar voice. 

Many women don’t think this voice is a problem. Yet, their mind is preoccupied with these conversations most of the day. Especially on the days when they are outside of the comforts of their home, in groups of people, when they’re speaking publicly or they’re traveling. This internal voice gets louder when they feel exposed. 

Which is why many women who hate their body avoid situations like these and forgo opportunities to be more visible. It’s important to let this sink in. Many women are working hard for their next promotion, but if they’re constantly berating themselves about their body, it’s unlikely they will “put themselves out there”. 

The irony is that some believe they need this voice to motivate them. They believe that if they let themselves be okay with their body as it is, then they won’t be inspired to get to the gym or eat healthy foods. Some people don’t hear how mean this voice really is. They agree with the voice that tells them their body is bad or disgusting. Telling yourself over and over that your body is disgusting hurts. But believing you deserve to berate yourself hurts more. 

We don’t call out that this dynamic is costly. But we need to. Sara wasted so much time and energy speaking so negatively about herself. She can never get that time and energy back. It’s gone forever. 

When judging herself so harshly, she also believes others are judging her too. Therefore, Sara hides herself. She covers herself up with oversized clothes. She avoids being in situations that leave her feeling exposed. Deep down, Sara doesn’t feel good enough to be seen just as she is. 

The professional cost comes down to Sara’s willingness to be professionally visible. She misses opportunities to build face-to-face relationships, speak publicly, and advocate herself to be placed on high-profile projects. 

It’s hard to come to terms with the impact of hating your body. Especially if you can’t remember a time in your life when you were happy with your body. It’s important for you to know that you can have a different relationship with your body; one that feels more peaceful and nourishing, one that’s not so harsh, one that doesn’t make you feel so exposed. Assess the cost and you’ll be one step closer to changing how you talk to yourself about your body. 

How Trying To Be Perfect Holds Women Back

My latest book, Truly Seen, is about how the cultural ideas of perfectionism and thinness hold women back from living a life they love. I share how women get trapped into trying to live up to these unattainable standards, which only leaves them feeling like they’re a failure.  I understand the impact of being a perfectionist. 

So, when I got my manuscript back from my proofreader, I caught myself reviewing and re-editing each sentence. Despite the fact that the manuscript has been professionally reviewed several times. An internal struggle brews inside of me. I want to put out the highest quality work I can. But I don't have the time or energy to keep working on the manuscript.  My book designer is waiting on me. 

I need to decide that my work is “good enough”. The irony of my own perfectionist tendencies aren't lost on me. I caught myself trying to perfect a book around perfectionism. 

For many women, perfectionism comes automatically and the idea of “good enough” feels like failing.  

If you're like me, you learned at a pretty young age that doing things well, and having high standards for yourself comes with lots of accolades. When I was moving into my dorm my freshman year in college, my roommate’s mom praised her for how perfectly she made her bed. I recall looking over at my bed, and wondering if I tucked in my top sheet as precisely as I could have. Were my pillows in the right place? 

Our praises aren’t just sung by our mothers when we do well.  Your name may be listed in the newspaper when you made Dean's List, your boss rewarded you with the highest raise during your last performance review and your favorite client offered you a job with a 20% raise. 

Perfectionism gets rewarded in corporate America. Your outstanding work ethic and high standards have contributed to your success. It feels great to do outstanding work and get noticed for it. 

But it's come with a price. 

Perfection doesn’t have a finish line. You can always refine that report, be clearer in your communication, be more organized, and find a better way to make a point in your book. When is enough, enough? After three revisions? Ten? Fifty? It’s so hard to answer that question because the ideals of perfection are based on external and cultural ideals. These standards are impossible to attain. When we try to be perfect, we are trying to be an ideal version of ourselves. That person doesn’t exist. 

There isn't enough time in your workday to do everything perfectly, without exhaustion and potential burnout. My clients share their anger and resentment with me, a common symptom of perfectionism. When you’re trying to be perfect for everyone else, you lose yourself in the process.  

While holding high standards for yourself at work, you also hold them for yourself in other areas of your life. You need to meet that deadline and get dinner on the table. You need to wrap up that deliverable and have a clean laundry room. You need to give your team timely performance feedback and get to the gym five days a week. Perfectionism wears us very thin.

When we strive for perfection, there is never an off switch. Perfectionism seeps into each aspect of our lives, including our relationships. We can never fully relax and rest because there is always one more little thing we can do to make what we are doing better. There is no rest for the weary. 

This is exhausting, isn't it? 

Instead of our work performance being a source of positivity, it turns into a way we can beat ourselves up. If our work doesn't meet our high standards, even if our work is objectively outstanding, we berate ourselves and feel like we’re failing. You may notice that you often feel anxious and stressed when a new project comes your way. You've lost that eagerness and excitement. Instead you’re worried that you can't measure up if you don't do it perfectly. 

Thankfully, I caught myself when that perfectionist mindset came creeping in when I was finishing up my manuscript. Being aware of your own patterns around perfectionism is the most important first step you can take. You can't change what you can't see. When you can see what's going on, you can make a different choice. It's not all or nothing. You can maintain a level of high-quality work, and keep your sanity. 

Would You Feel More Confident if You Lost Weight?

Let’s talk about the trap most people are in around how they feel about their bodies and their confidence. 

This is one of those questions that I’m not sure why I bother asking. I know the answer. It would be like asking; do you prefer the sunshine over cloudy days?, or do you like puppies?. 

Yes. Sure. Definitely. Of course. 

Despite how prevalent this belief is, the typical approach to weight loss is NOT making people more confident. Just the opposite. 

Let’s consider Jane, an amalgamation of the majority of my clients. Jane has been dieting since she was 14. She’s been successful at losing weight temporarily, but inevitably the weight she lost just comes back and then some. She’s tried everything; Weight Watchers, Noom, intermittent fasting and juice cleanses. 

Jane often fantasizes about the days when she felt like she was on top of the world because she fit into smaller jeans. She shares with me how hopeless she feels and how disgusted she is with her body. Jane’s exhausted, but she just wants to feel better about herself. Even though she’s coming to the understanding that diets aren’t the solution, she can’t imagine feeling confident in her current body size.  

Diet companies relentlessly market their products and claim that they work. But what they fail to tell us is that even though diets may help people lose weight in the short term, 90% of diets result in weight gain in the long term. This convinces people that they haven’t found the right diet yet and they should keep looking. Diet companies also depict active and happy people after they’ve lost weight, reaffirming the belief that our confidence does come packaged in a smaller body. 

Most people first go on a diet because they’ve been told their (larger) body is wrong or bad. When Jane was 14, losing weight meant that she could look like her friends and feel accepted. Her parents praised her when she was thin. But now, Jane doesn’t know what it’s like to NOT diet. She’s always held the belief that her body is wrong. 

How do we build confidence in ourselves when we believe our body is too big, wrong, fat or bad and needs to be fixed? 

While Jane diets, she often ignores or neglects the signals her body shares with her. She’ll not eat when she’s uncomfortably hungry. She’ll choose to eat the ‘right’ foods even though they don’t leave her feeling satisfied. She often ignores her body’s exhaustion and will try to power through her work day with coffee and energy snacks. When she does eat foods she’s not supposed to eat, she feels so guilty and ashamed. 

Dieting disconnects people from their bodies. Worse yet, when people aren’t following their food plan, they feel like a failure. 

The strategy most people are using to feel better about themselves is in fact, the problem. Pursuing weight loss erodes people’s confidence. 

True confidence is something we feel in our bodies. 

How can we feel more confident if we are disconnected from this feeling? 

The truth is that no matter what, your body isn’t broken and doesn’t need fixing. This may take lot’s of unlearning. Body satisfaction can take time. Instead of dieting, choose to respect and care for your body.

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If you’d like coaching around body satisfaction and feeling comfortable in your own skin, schedule a clarity call with me.

What if You Could Be MORE of Your Truest Self and LESS of the Person You Think You SHOULD Be?

You know all too well who you "should" be... 

Put together. 

Smart. 

Nice. 

Healthy. 

Hard working. 

You shouldn't let anyone down, especially not your loved ones. You shouldn't let a deadline slip or have an out of control laundry room. You shouldn't eat "crap" food and you should be exercising regularly. 

When our "shoulds” pile up, they feel overwhelming. And, because there are so many of them, we can never meet all of those expectations and be the right person for everyone else. That can make us feel guilty and like we are always doing something wrong. 

There is another option. 

Recognizing your ideal self and expanding her. Seeing your struggles and acknowledging the wisdom in them. Bringing a compassionate voice to your doubts and fears. Letting go of the "ideals'' that others have created for you and crafting your own standards. Connecting with your true self is the best gift you can give to yourself and the world. 

Oh, I recognize this is easier said than done. But I wanted to offer you a different approach to how you design your New Year’s resolutions, goals and intentions. Essentially, the person we think we should be is that “perfect” person. That perfect person is acceptable, lovable and successful. No wonder we’ve been striving for that. 

In my forthcoming book, I share many stories of how I tried to be “perfect”. I’d straighten my curly hair when I went to important client meetings, so I could present myself as more “put together”. I’d stay up well past the kids went to bed to meet a work deadline. 

But, where has striving for this ideal gotten us?

Exhausted. Frustrated. Overwhelmed. Feeling like a failure. But when we are more ourselves, we get to relax and feel the true confidence that comes from knowing that we don’t need fixing.  

Do You Worry That You’ll Be “Letting Yourself Go” if You’re Not Dieting?

A common fear that arises when people stop dieting and therefore stop trying to change their body is that they will "let themselves go". 

I'm sure you can picture what "letting yourself go" means. 

You'll only want to eat "junk" food. And you'll be eating large amounts of it. 

You will gain weight and won't fit into the clothes in your closet. 

You won't be active or work out. 

You may also worry what other people will think of you when you're not dieting. 

What will they say when you swap out a salad for a sandwich? 

Or if instead of buying low sugar or low calorie foods, you start enjoying the foods you love because they taste better to you. 

Will they think you don't care about your health? Will they express their concern to you? 

Diet culture is pretty masterful at convincing us that if we are not with them, we are against them. 

Which means if we aren't dieting, we must be not caring about our health or bodies. 

Of course this isn't true. If you've been dieting for a long time, you're familiar with two gears; on a diet and off a diet. 

Diet culture tells us that "off a diet" is letting yourself go. 

It's important to remember that if you weren't dieting in the first place, there would be no reason to go off a diet. Being "off a diet" is only the reaction you have (and often the healthiest reaction) to food restriction. 

When you're not restricting food, you get to tune into your body without food rules. 

The truth is that when you stop dieting you're claiming a third gear; nourishing your body and exploring what it feels like to feel satisfied around food. 

This is the opposite of letting yourself go. This is caring for yourself and your body deeply. This is self-care at its finest. 

When Someone Comments on Your Weight

When I was in college, I was training to "walked on" to our cross country team. I don't have a typical runners body, but I loved running and wanted to challenge myself. Before the season, I went to my cousins wedding and sat with a family friend. I shared my training with him and my plan to join the team. In front of the whole table, he said "if you're going to do that, you better lose some weight." 

After the initial "fuck you" that I screamed in my head, I felt the sting of embarrassment and shock. I had no words that I could say politely out loud.

But the sucky part was that his comment only confirmed for me my biggest fear at the time. Big girls don't run cross country. I knew I needed to be smaller and leaner. Little did this man know, I was doing my best to eat as little as possible. 

Uggh. If you've had this experience, and I'm suspecting you have, I'm so freakin' sorry. I wish we didn't live in a culture of dieting where it's acceptable (and sometimes encouraged) for people to comment on other's bodies. 

Sadly, it's very common for us to receive comments about our bodies from friends and loved ones. This family friend must have thought he was doing me a favor by telling me I needed to lose weight. Or he was just trying to be mean. Or he was fuckin' oblivious. Or all of the above. 

It doesn't matter what the intentions are of the people delivering comments to us, it's important to remember that your body is none of their business. I know that doesn't keep them from hurling comments your way. But it can help you establish a clear boundary with people. 

One of my responses to this family friend could have been to tell him that I was dieting. This is a common way people respond. It's like "Don't worry. I know. I've got this handled.".  But you don't need to explain how you care for your body to other people. Your body is none of their business. 

You may want to joke or even make fun of yourself. If you received comments on your body, you may have automatically laughed. Laughing is a natural way to discharge discomfort. No need to get down on yourself about that. You're just caring for yourself. 

And, their comments may have surprised the shit out of you. It may have come out of nowhere and really shocked and stunned you. It's not always easy to be thinking on your feet like this. It's okay if you didn't have a response. You were attacked. Don't blame yourself for not having your own defense mechanism ready. 

But if you do want to have words with folks that comment on your body, here are some ideas: 

• No thank you. 

• Please don't comment on my body. 

• Your comments hurt me. Please stop. 

You can use these same words if people are commented on your loved one's bodies. I highly recommend that if you are an adult and someone is commenting on a child's body that you say something to that person. Let them know that they need to stop commenting immediately. No one deserves to be bullied for their body. No one. 

In the meantime, do your best to be compassionate to yourself. You deserve respect. If you don't receive it from others, you can still offer it to yourself. 

What It’s Like to Work With Me? A Client Interview with Michelle

Hiring a coach is a big commitment. I wanted to offer you some input from my clients so you can hear from them what it’s like to work with me.

I interviewed Michelle, a client that I’m working with around intuitive eating and body image, and asked her a few questions. With her permission, I transcribed our conversation and I’m sharing it here.

---

Tara: 

Why did you want to work with me?

Michelle:   

I saw your posts on Instagram and I just immediately connected to the struggle and the positive messages that I saw. And then I started listening to your podcast. And I loved it. I called (and we talked). It was exactly the kind of help I was looking for. I just deeply connected with your message.

Tara:  

What were some of your biggest concerns about working with me before we started?

Michelle:

I was so fried and burnt out over all the dieting experiences that I said “it's not a diet, it's a food plan” conversation. I hoped that there was a solution in this that didn't involve language that really was a diet but doesn't use the word diet. And I have never, ever heard about intuitive eating.

All of your information was not part of something I've ever run into. So my reservation, my hesitation was, I hope this isn't another one of those, you know? And it wasn't. It's exactly what I was looking for. Exactly.

I very much like the integration of the energy work that we do, along with the (coaching) conversations because I craved exactly what we're doing for a long time. I just didn't know how to find that person.

Tara:  

Yeah, it seems like what we're doing here just fits so beautifully for you. I love that.

What has been your favorite part of doing this work?

Michelle:

I really needed to heal over trauma. I knew that I needed to work on it. But I don't think I understood the connection between food, my behaviors, my thinking, and my experiences with trauma and, and I saw it as two different things that needed to be worked on. 

My favorite thing is that I'm getting at layers that I couldn't access. I just could never access it before working with you. I knew then they were there. I knew that they hurt. And honestly, I think that your advice, your thoughts, where you lead me is just brilliant. I had no idea about these connections. You're just helping me to link all of this. You know, just to peel it back and work on it. 

As hard as it is to work on this kind of stuff, I’m always (I know, it sounds crazy) looking forward to meeting with you. Because I feel like there's answers. It's not just visiting these triggers or visiting these moments. There's answers. So (our work together) doesn't leave me feeling like I'm hanging out there with this (hard stuff).

Tara: 

What has been the biggest transformation that you've gotten so far?

Michelle: 

The biggest transformation is around my body image. When I get dressed, I think about being comfortable and feeling confident. I don't want to say I've let go of all of my obsessive negative thinking about myself and my body image. I have moments where it comes back and it comes hard. But I've opened up a lot more, and I'm a lot more kind to myself. I'm not swinging between the extremes. I'm just more in the middle (and feel more neutral about my body). 

I'm not focused on a number and forcing that number to fit anymore. I'm not focusing on that. I'm focusing on comfort. I've actually started having thoughts like, “If this is not comfortable, you should get a pair of pants that are comfortable.” I’m not really even thinking about the numbers, which is a huge change for me. Huge.

Tara:  

Thanks for sharing that. That's awesome. What surprised you the most about working with me?

Michelle:  

Well, other than the fact that I couldn't actually believe that I connected with you. And not just to people that work for you. Once I got over that, I think that I'm actually really surprised at how related past trauma is to my food behaviors. I think that was like one of the biggest aha moments.   

It's amazing what it's been like to find (you) the right person at the right time. I really get a lot out of our session. I'm telling you a lot during our time together. And I use it (your tools and strategies). They are  incredibly helpful to me. I can't believe how much I've grown in such a short time. 

I've learned how to just notice more. And not be as checked out. 

Tara:

That's awesome to hear.  And you've done the hard work.  Who would you recommend me to?

Michelle:  

I think anyone who's sick and tired of running on this little hamster wheel, trying to fix things and going back and forth and yo-yoing up and down (with dieting). Those struggling with understanding their thinking about food and where it's coming from. I think people who really want to change and feel ready for change. That's the perfect person. 

I think you could help like anybody, because I hear people talking who don't necessarily have food issues, but talk diet speak all the time. I feel like everybody could really benefit from undoing some of their beliefs and learn what I have from you. 

Tara: 

Thank you so much.  It’s really nice to hear all of those things and hear that you are noticing the impact our work together is having on you. 

Michelle: 

The freedom I've gotten from talking and making connections (around food and body image) and the effect that it has on me as I move forward has been so powerful. I'm incredibly grateful to you.

Tara:  

I'm grateful to work with you too!  It's really been a pleasure.

I’m Calling Bullshit On Body Image Struggles

“I'm feeling so uncomfortable in my clothes. Especially because I know those jeans used to fit me.” 

“I don't want friends (work colleagues, family I haven't seen in a while) to see me because of my weight.”

“I cringe when I see my reflection in the mirror.” 

“I hate how bloated and achy my belly feels.”

When I hear things like this from my clients, they’ll also tell me that they don’t talk “about this stuff” with anyone else. 

I know that 95% of women are dissatisfied with their bodies, so there is a very good chance you’re also pretty critical of your body. 

But, does it feel as jagged and sharp to you as it does to me? 

When I used to call myself disgusting or fat, those words were so familiar to me. I didn’t feel the pain I was causing myself. It didn’t feel harsh, it was just there. 

And I’m suspecting you don’t feel the sharpness of your words. You’ve numbed yourself to how painful it is to live with your body. And I get it. This is how we’ve had to cope. Numbing isn’t a defect, it’s a strategy.  There may be a part of you that thinks you deserve all of that harmful talk. Or, you may be hoping that if you say horrible things about your body that it will finally motivate you to make a change. 

But it’s time to call bullshit on this entire dynamic. 

Even though we live in a world that tells us our bodies aren’t good enough, it doesn’t mean it’s true. Cultural beliefs are often wrong. Remember when we thought the world was flat? When smoking was cool?  Your body is worthy of respect and care no matter it’s shape, size, gender identity, sexual preference, ability, age or color. 

And, if talking shit about your body was going to motivate you to eat "better" and exercise more, wouldn't that have happened in the past few months? In the past few years? In the past few decades? 

Shaming never ever inspires positive or loving change. Period. 

It's time to stop tolerating this pain. 

Why? 

Because it hurts and you don't deserve to be hurt. 

It's also holding you back from feeling free, peaceful and powerful. 

While you're feeling awful about your body, you're hiding the body you have. You may be hiding by wearing black or oversized clothes. Or, maybe you don't really care about how you dress at all and just wear "whatever". You are trying to fly under the radar so you don't get noticed or draw attention to yourself. 

You stay quiet and reserved. Speaking up means people will hear you. Showing up means people will see you. When you're in the spotlight, the risk of judgment rises. When you're judging yourself, you’re likely assuming everyone else is judging you too. 

And sadly, you may not be wrong. But, you also may not be right. I know. This is a risk you're unwilling to take. 

I know you don’t want to feel the way you do about your body. That’s why so many people diet and try to lose weight. They hope that if their body changes, how they feel about their body will change too. 

I’m calling bullshit on this too. 

If you’re anything like how I was in the past, you’ve been tireless in your pursuit of a better body. And even if it hasn’t translated to all action, you’ve been dreaming and hoping that once your body changes, your life will too. That takes a lot of energy. 

It's no longer about waiting until your body changes until you feel better about yourself. It's about changing how you feel and living in your body so you feel better no matter what. 

You deserve to feel comfortable in your own skin without changing one single thing about your body. You deserve to feel peaceful in your body right now, at this moment. 

Fixing the outside doesn't heal the inside.  Fixing the outside only re-affirms the shame you feel and validates the belief that your body is wrong or broken. 

This is work I do. I guide women to no longer fight with the shame that lives within them, but heal it. I guide women to living inside of their bodies, safely. I guide women to tune in and listen to their inner wisdom. And to care for themselves. 

Here are some examples of how I do this… 

I “introduce” you to your body and its signals. So you can start to notice the subtle messages that will become clearer over time. 

I help you tune into that critical voice and not push it away. When you’re curious, you may discover the voice has a purpose. 

When you notice the outside cultural narratives you’ll see that how you feel about your body is not your  fault. And then you can take full responsibility for how you treat yourself and your body. 

You’ll notice all the ways you’ve been trying to fix your body and realize that’s not moving you to feeling peaceful about your body. 

You start actively caring for your body, every damn day. Not with the prescribed way for weight loss, but by tuning into what your body and spirit is really craving and asking for. 

Want to explore how I can guide you through a process like this one?  

Set up a clarity call with me. On this 45 minute call, we will get to know each other, discover if we are a good fit,  and I’ll share with you more details on how we can work together.

5 Reasons Community Is Critical To Your Intuitive Eating Journey

I'm gathering a small group of 10 or so women in a safe space for learning, sharing, and connecting along their intuitive eating and body neutrality journey called Community Circle.

I currently have space for 5 more women. If you're interested, please let me know by emailing me back. If there isn't room in this Community Circle session, I'll be sure to add your name to a waiting list for the next one. 

Community Circle begins on Monday, September 26th and runs for 12 weeks. See more details below. 

I've had a few requests for a group support program and I'm thrilled to be offering this! 

Clients on their journey to feel more peaceful around food and their bodies know how challenging it can be. There may be dozens of food rules to unlearn and new signals and sensations to tune into. Along the way, there can be lots of ups and downs and twists and turns. 

This is why it’s important to connect with other women who are on a similar journey. 

Here are 5 reasons. 

1. You won't feel so alone. 

When I was bingeing and overeating, I convinced myself I was the only person that was so out of control around food. Believing this only made me feel worse and made me want to hide. 

But when I started to hear other people's stories about food, I realized I wasn't a complete freak. I could entertain the idea that some of my overeating patterns may not be as bad as I made them out to be. 

This is the power of not feeling so alone and being part of a community. When you feel safe to share your stories and hear other's, what you once thought was a big deal may not feel so awful or heavy.

2. You may share experiences you've never shared before.  

Your relationship with food and your body has taken a lot of time and energy and you've given it a lot of thought. So many people have been bullied about their body size. They've had parents control what they eat or how often they exercise. They've comforted themselves with food when they didn't know how to console themselves. 

When you share what life has been like for you, you have an opportunity for others to witness you. In some situations, you may be negotiating with yourself by saying, “this wasn't that bad”, “this was just normal”, “this happened all the time and no one around me said it was unusual”. 

But it is and it was. And when you share it, you're giving yourself an opportunity to validate the impact it has had on you.

3. When you hear other people's stories, you feel connected to something bigger than yourself. 

Painful patterns with food and your body can make your world feel small. It's common to be completely absorbed in your own experience, while you work hard to try to fix it. 

Offering your attention and grace to someone who is also struggling gives you perspective and allows you to see how helpful you can be to others. You can start to appreciate your own value and contribution. 

4. It's comforting. 

There is no better way to describe being part of a community that has your back, welcomes you, lights up when they see your face and appreciates your voice. Considering how isolating your relationship with food has been, this can feel incredibly healing. 

5. When everyone around you is dieting, it's nice to practice a common sense approach with others. 

A lot of people who have been pursuing weight loss are running in circles with others that are doing the same thing. If this is you, it may be hard to stop dieting and watch and listen to people around you that still are dieting. 

When you can at least come together with a small group of women that are in the same boat you are, you can gain strength from them knowing that you are disconnecting from diet culture together. 

During this 12 week program, we will be meeting every other Wednesday at 5pm EST for a Connection Call. We will also be meeting every other Monday at 12pm EST for a 15 minute Check In. The cost is $450, made in 3 $150 monthly payments. Learn more here.

What’s Really Driving Your Food Struggles… Body Shame

When I was really struggling with food, I knew my struggles weren’t about food. I knew this deep inside of me, but I didn’t have words to describe it. 

And my inner knowing didn’t stop me from making it about food.  I would still try to cut back on sugar, or take gluten out of my diet (with no diagnosed gluten sensitivity), or stop eating certain kinds of foods like nightshades or yogurt or coffee. :(. 

I can see now that diet culture offers us so many solutions that are ALL about food. This is how weight loss companies and coaches make their money. 

But there is something that happens when we try to solve a challenge by just addressing the symptom. 

If you are like me, you know the symptom was feeling out of control around certain foods. Worrying that you’d overeat trigger foods. And even believing you have a food addiction. 

When you consider these symptoms, it’s easier to look at a food with sugar and believe that if you could get rid of sugar then all of your food struggles would go away. 

Trying to take sugar out of my diet only made me fight with sugar more. And therefore fight with myself. Making it about sugar only distracted me from what was really going on. But it also reaffirmed my problem as a real problem. Essentially, it kept the struggle in place. 

If you’ve been struggling with food and making it about food, it’s time for a step back. 

You can’t diet your way through your food struggles. 

You can’t restrict your way to feeling more in control around food. 

The part of me that made it about food was the part of me that wanted to keep my weight down. I was hoping that If I could eat the right foods, I wouldn’t gain weight. 

Which is why getting to the root of the struggle is so important. It’s not about food, it’s about body shame. 

We’ve been driven to dieting to fix our bodies. We’ve been told there is something wrong with our bodies and then we internalized body shame. No one has to tell you that your body is wrong or bad, that belief system lives inside of you. You tell yourself that all of the time. 

If you didn’t need to fix your body, you wouldn’t need to diet. If you didn’t need to diet, you wouldn’t need to struggle with food. 

Body shame is at the root of food struggles. 

I guide my clients to understand how their body image and patterns with food work together. If you’d like to explore more support around this, book a Clarity Call with me here. https://bookme.name/tarawhitney/lite/clarity-call

What it's Like To Work With Me: A Client Interview with Grace

Hiring a coach is a big commitment. I wanted to offer you some input from my clients so you can hear from them what it’s like to work with me.

I interviewed Grace, a client that I’m working with around intuitive eating and body image, and asked her a few questions. With her permission, I transcribed our conversation and I’m sharing it here.

TW:  

What was it that made you want to work with me?

Grace: 

Our college connection and that history. I feel like you're very gentle in your understanding of where I'm coming from and you get me. Even today, you brought me back in a gentle way to seeing the bigger picture. So, yeah. I guess your personality.

TW:

Did you have any concerns or worries about working with me before we started?

Grace:

Going into anything coming from a diet background, you worry about how it was going to line up with that with what the work I'm doing with my naturopath.  Wondering what the restrictions were going to be or what I was going to have to do. Also not really understanding intuitive eating, and wondering what are the rules going to be? Not understanding that there really aren't rules, that's the whole point of it.

TW:

Do you have a favorite part of doing this work?

Grace:

I like the check-ins with you. Even today you just really brought me back. I've been ruminating and worrying and you're able to recenter me so I can go off for another couple of weeks and do this work with a clear mind.  You know how to work through the issues, whatever issues there are.  Every week, it's been different. The personal interaction is great. That's important.

TW

What’s the biggest transformation you've had so far working together?

Grace: 

My freedom. The freedom to not be obsessed with food every waking moment and wondering what I'm going to eat next. Or worrying because I ate that, and I can't eat this. I can’t articulate enough how much freedom I have and how my mind is not stressed. (Before we started working together), I literally was focusing on food all the time. And now I have time to focus on other things in my life. I'm also thinking and feeling encouragement to get back into movement and your suggestions about different ways to do that. I have found that helpful, too. The freedom is overwhelmingly the biggest benefit that I've seen. 

TW: 

Has anything surprised you about working with me?

Grace:  

Everything (we’ve been working on) goes against everything I've ever been taught. The biggest thing was you explaining to me that my body was in deprivation mode and then actually seeing that come to fruition. (Before this work), I literally was craving chocolate chips and could not live without them. And then that went away. There’s some residual mental stuff I still need to work on but the physical stuff went away once I balanced what was going into my body.

TW:  

Is there anyone you would recommend me to? 

Grace:

People going through the whole menopause situation, (what it does to your body and thus to the weight of your body) and trying to fight that. (You can help) people understand that and have freedom to go through this natural process without worrying about the weight piece of it. That would be so awesome for people to know. 

I also think a lot about how I can get you to talk to my girl scouts troop or to my daughter or to kids. Because if they have this knowledge at the beginning of their journey before the world starts bombarding them,  what a gift that is. It's a delicate thing to talk to girls in their teenage years about their bodies and about what they're putting into it. It has to be handled very carefully. But I think that would be a gift.

I Trust Your Hunger. Do You Trust Your Hunger?

If you’re like my clients, hunger is something to neglect, push away and ignore. Back in my days of dieting, I would chew stick after stick of Carefree Sugarless Bubble Gum when I was hungry. :( 

You may need to justify being hungry. 

If you’re hungry a few hours after eating a meal, you may say “I shouldn’t be hungry right now, I just ate.” 

You may be afraid that once you start eating you’ll have a hard time stopping. Hunger may be a warning sign that danger is near. 

But I trust your hunger. I trust it because I know that diets and diet culture have only conditioned you to believe that your hunger is a problem. 

When you’ve been restricting food, of course you’re going to want to eat more. Diet culture tells you overeating is wrong and a mistake, when in fact, it’s just your body restoring balance and energy. 

Diet culture tells you to ignore your cravings (eating an apple, not a piece of chocolate). But dieting only increases your cravings for “forbidden” foods. 

It’s bigger than this, my friend. 

When you can’t trust your hunger, how can you trust your body? 

Ignoring our hunger is just another way of ignoring our needs. It’s just another way of neglecting ourselves and telling ourselves that what we need doesn’t matter. 

Does this mean we don’t matter? Hmm. 

If you don’t trust your body, how can you trust your voice? Your beliefs and opinions? 

If you don’t trust your body or yourself, can you trust my hunger? 

Can you trust my needs?  Can you trust me? 

If you don’t see your needs as worthwhile, do you see my needs as worthwhile? 

Diet culture is MUCH more damaging than just encouraging us to drink ice coffee or extra water when we are hungry. 

It’s taught us to not trust ourselves or other dieters. It’s taught us that women’s needs don’t matter. That women’s voices, minds, and body’s don’t matter. If our hunger mattered then we would be fuckin’ celebrating it. Not neglecting it. 

Our Culture is Disordered

Jenna Hollenstein dropped this massive truth bomb when we caught up earlier this week and I've been stewing on it ever since. 

When living in a disordered culture, people adapt to that disorder. 

Here are just a few ways our culture is disordered around food and body weight. 

You go to Crossfit and the owners are promoting a diet where you don't eat food until 11am. They also sell supplements to help you "not be hungry".  That's disordered. 

The company you work for brings in Weight Watchers to encourage their employees to lose weight. Weight Watchers is a diet, diets have a 5% efficacy rate. By joining Weight Watchers you are increasing your likelihood of long term weight GAIN. That's disordered. 

You watch your favorite show on TV and notice the constant thread of diet commercials. Each commercial lies and tells you this isn't a "diet", it's a lifestyle and everyone can do it. That's disordered. 

When you were in elementary school, the school nurse weighed you and spoke your weight out loud for everyone to hear. That's disordered. 

Family members comment on your weight and tell you they just want to motivate you to be healthy. That's disordered. 

While eating out, calories are listed on each menu item. There is no research available to suggest listing calories changes people's behavior. Regardless. That’s disordered. 

You join a large group of friends and acquaintances out to eat and a few of them talk openly about their latest diet. While they are at it, they comment in a demeaning way on the size of a stranger's body. This all seems normal and familiar. That's disordered. 

You talk to a health coach and they tell you that a certain food group is causing your chronic illness. They unload massive amounts of reasons why, but don't have any valid research to back up their claim. It's hard to un hear this. That's disordered. 

It's all disordered. And we are all trying to just survive in this disorder. You may even try to do “disordered” better, like move from diet to diet, eliminate more food groups from your diet, and stay fixated on your body weight. 

Without seeing the disorder, it's understandable why we are trying to fit ourselves into the disordered culture. But instead of trying to fit into the disorder, we need to see, name and disconnect with the disorder around us. 

What It's Like To Work With Me: A Client Interview with Barbara

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Hiring a coach is a big commitment. I wanted to offer you some input from my clients so you can hear from them what it’s like to work with me.

I interviewed Barbara, a client that I’m working with around intuitive eating and body image, and asked her a few questions. With her permission, I transcribed our conversation and I’m sharing it here.

Tara: 

Why did you want to work with me? What about me drew you? 

Barbara: 

I first started listening to your podcast. And I liked your gentle approach in interviewing guests and talking with people and presenting information. And I felt like it would be a good fit for me too. 

When we got on a call, I just felt very connected to you. You just have this air of gentleness, but non judgmental and ease about talking to you. And I just felt like I could really open up to you.  

Tara: 

Thank you for that. Did you have any concerns or worries about working with me before we started? 

Barbara: 

I wasn't really sure about how this would go. And to be honest, food and body and diet is so shame filled for me that I was pretty worried about it being too vulnerable or too, just too much. While it has been meaningful and moving, I've never felt like it's been too much. 

You're definitely meeting me right where I am and helping me think differently, but not pushing so much that I'm uncomfortable, in a bad way. It’s like being uncomfortable in a good way to make a change. I don't feel uncomfortable, or pushed, I feel guided and coached.

Tara: 

I'm so glad. Do you have a favorite part of this work?

Barbara:  

I really enjoy hearing your perspective. You'll come in with like, “this is what has worked for me” or “when I started this is how I started thinking, but now I'm thinking differently”. I like knowing I'm not alone in any of this. And with you having experience here. I just feel heard. 

Tara: 

What would you say the biggest transformation is that you've gotten so far?

Barbara:   

It's the realization that diet culture is everywhere. And diet culture is more than diet culture, it influences my perfectionism traits, and how I want to be a people pleaser, and  be well liked. All of those kinds of things. I'm seeing that it all really stems from food and diet and diet culture and the messages that I received from my family or from the media throughout my life.

Being able to just recognize it and notice it without unconsciously devouring it like I was before. Before it was just part of my life. And now I can look at it and go, “Oh, that's what that is. I get it, I can opt out of it.” 

Tara:

Love that. Was there anything that surprised you about working with me?

Barbara:   

This isn't a surprise, but I really wanted it to be a switch that I could flip and all of a sudden be that intuitive eater. Our early conversations about distinguishing hunger surprised me that it was so hard for me or that I was so broken from that part of my body. It's not a good or bad surprise, but I was “Oh, I'm really disconnected.”  And you know, that's been good for me to know that..

Tara: 

Who would you recommend me to?

Barbara: 

I would recommend you to anyone who has any sort of food issues, eating issues, diet issues, or body image issues. As a way to examine how those thoughts got there in the first place and ways to dismantle them. So they can live a freer and easier existence. 

Tara: 

That's perfect. Barbara, thank you so much. I appreciate that. 

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If you’d like to explore working me, schedule a clarity call with me using this calendar link.