What Drives You to Work so Hard?

Maybe you never asked yourself the question because working hard is just who you are. 

I get that. You’ve likely achieved a successful career for yourself because of your hard work. 

Yet, many people aren’t driven to work hard because they just hold high standards for themselves. 

They are often driven to work hard out of fear that someone will find out that they are not as smart or talented as they think they are. 

Because of that, working hard is a coping mechanism. Do you need… 

• your work to be perfect? 

• to be seen as the expert, the one with all the answers? 

• to do all the work yourself because others won’t do it your way? 

I don’t need to tell you how trying to reach an unachievable standard is unsustainable. But worse, it won’t help you reach your next-level success. 

If you’re looking for support and coaching to help you let go of these patterns so you can create a new sustainable path for success and sanity, let's chat. I offer one-on-one coaching in 3 and 6 month packages. 

To Say No, You Have To Say Yes

Most folks I connect with have a full plate. Some have a “day” job and a few jobs they work in the evenings and weekends. On one hand, they’re filled with passion and enthusiasm because they’re engaged in so much meaningful work. On the other, they share how little control they have over their schedule and feel like their time isn’t their own.

Here is how you know this is you: 

• Does the idea of taking a weekend off from work, giving yourself a real lunch break, or not catching up on emails after dinner feel impossible? 

• Do you feel like you’re just trying to survive each week? 

Being so overloaded can feel like a trap. You’re good at managing everything on your plate. You know what it takes to be efficient, multi-task, and get the job done. 

But, how about those times when you say to yourself “I can’t take it anymore.”? When you want to quit and shed all of those obligations and responsibilities, but you know you can’t. 

You may be starting to recognize that sacrificing your sanity isn’t worth it. When you’re overwhelmed with too many responsibilities;  you may have a hard time winding down and relaxing, you have a hard time sleeping, you have little time to get outside and take a break, you feel anxious and get agitated easily, and you have little patience for the minor inconveniences that life inevitably throws at you. 

Yet, the truth is that while you’ve been saying yes to others, you’ve been saying no to yourself. When you tell your boss that you can get a deliverable to her by the end of the week or when you agreed to take on that non-profit work, you’ve given away the precious time you need for yourself (like getting more sleep, going for a walk or run, or working on an important personal project). 

Start by getting clear about how you want to spend your time. What do you value? What do you want to do to invest in your health and sanity? Who do you want to make time for? When you know what your non-negotiables are around your time, it’s easier to say “no” or “not now” when other demands are being placed on you. 

This will help you get control over your calendar. And instead of feeling like each week is a brutal running race you can barely survive, you’ll feel a sense of balance in how you’re spending your time because you’re putting yourself and what you value first. 

Running on Fumes? Can’t Step off the Gerbil Wheel?

My clients are exceptionally efficient. Take Julie for example. She’s only been in her role for 2 years and she’s already taking on director-level responsibilities. She does her job and then some. She has no problem stepping up and challenging herself professionally. 

Yet, by the end of each work week, Julie’s completely fried. She’s so depleted that she doesn’t have the energy to do those things that are important to her. She’s often too tired to sleep. Her body is exhausted, but her mind won’t rest. 

Like Julie, you have too much to do and not enough time to do it all. And you’ve gotten good at getting shit done. You know how to multitask. You’re exceptional at managing projects and making sure you hit each deadline. 

My clients realize they’re working at an unsustainable pace. But they don’t know how to step off of the proverbial gerbil wheel. If this is you, I want to let you know what’s really going on here and give you one thing you can do right away. 

Ambitious women have been required to prove themselves. We’ve learned this from a young age. Remember the pressure you felt to do well in high school to get into the right college? And then in college, you had to make the Dean’s list. Your high achievements have been swiftly acknowledged. You’ve climbed the ladder. Received promotions and raises. 

Working hard, going above and beyond, and trying to do the “right” thing has gotten you far. But it’s not going to get you any further when you’re trying to prove that you’re perfect. When women try to be perfect or meet a standard they believe they need to be, they will sacrifice their own time, health, and sanity to reach it. 

Julie’s doing whatever it takes to prove herself. You likely are too. And when it comes to trying to be perfect, there is NEVER a time or accomplishment that allows you to feel like you are perfect. The finish line keeps moving. This is why you feel like you can’t step off the gerbil wheel. 

Meanwhile, you’re prioritizing everyone else’s needs ahead of your own. Client’s deadlines get met. Staff reviews get written and delivered. The kids get driven to their sports practices. Dinner’s on the table. 

Caring for yourself comes last. In some cases, gladly. Because you’ve told yourself that the accolades that come from being great or even exceptional are more important than sleep, nourishment, play, peace or relaxation.  Or, you couldn’t bear the thought of “failing” and letting someone down. Only getting five or six hours of sleep is a worthwhile price to pay. 

Do you see the trap you’re in? There is no way you’re getting to that finish line when you’re trying to meet someone else’s standards. Ever. How do I know this with such certainty? If I know you the way I think I do, you’ve already put in an immense amount of time and energy to be perfect. And in your mind, you’re not there yet. If there was a real finish line, you would have crossed it by now?

Ready for a change? Today, take a lunch break. Eat lunch. Not at your desk. Not while you’re on your phone. Fix yourself something you’ll enjoy eating. Give yourself 20-30 minutes and just eat. 

This is probably going to be hard for you. Don’t blow it off. By taking a small fraction of time in your day for yourself you’re choosing to prioritize yourself and your needs. It will likely feel uncomfortable. You may try to convince yourself that this is a worthless endeavor. If that’s what you believe, then definitely make sure you do this. 

Proving that you’re perfect or trying to prove that you’re perfect is deep-in-your-bones exhausting. You can’t work your way out of this. When you can see the trap you’re in, you just need to stop running.

How Trying To Be Perfect Holds Women Back

My latest book, Truly Seen, is about how the cultural ideas of perfectionism and thinness hold women back from living a life they love. I share how women get trapped into trying to live up to these unattainable standards, which only leaves them feeling like they’re a failure.  I understand the impact of being a perfectionist. 

So, when I got my manuscript back from my proofreader, I caught myself reviewing and re-editing each sentence. Despite the fact that the manuscript has been professionally reviewed several times. An internal struggle brews inside of me. I want to put out the highest quality work I can. But I don't have the time or energy to keep working on the manuscript.  My book designer is waiting on me. 

I need to decide that my work is “good enough”. The irony of my own perfectionist tendencies aren't lost on me. I caught myself trying to perfect a book around perfectionism. 

For many women, perfectionism comes automatically and the idea of “good enough” feels like failing.  

If you're like me, you learned at a pretty young age that doing things well, and having high standards for yourself comes with lots of accolades. When I was moving into my dorm my freshman year in college, my roommate’s mom praised her for how perfectly she made her bed. I recall looking over at my bed, and wondering if I tucked in my top sheet as precisely as I could have. Were my pillows in the right place? 

Our praises aren’t just sung by our mothers when we do well.  Your name may be listed in the newspaper when you made Dean's List, your boss rewarded you with the highest raise during your last performance review and your favorite client offered you a job with a 20% raise. 

Perfectionism gets rewarded in corporate America. Your outstanding work ethic and high standards have contributed to your success. It feels great to do outstanding work and get noticed for it. 

But it's come with a price. 

Perfection doesn’t have a finish line. You can always refine that report, be clearer in your communication, be more organized, and find a better way to make a point in your book. When is enough, enough? After three revisions? Ten? Fifty? It’s so hard to answer that question because the ideals of perfection are based on external and cultural ideals. These standards are impossible to attain. When we try to be perfect, we are trying to be an ideal version of ourselves. That person doesn’t exist. 

There isn't enough time in your workday to do everything perfectly, without exhaustion and potential burnout. My clients share their anger and resentment with me, a common symptom of perfectionism. When you’re trying to be perfect for everyone else, you lose yourself in the process.  

While holding high standards for yourself at work, you also hold them for yourself in other areas of your life. You need to meet that deadline and get dinner on the table. You need to wrap up that deliverable and have a clean laundry room. You need to give your team timely performance feedback and get to the gym five days a week. Perfectionism wears us very thin.

When we strive for perfection, there is never an off switch. Perfectionism seeps into each aspect of our lives, including our relationships. We can never fully relax and rest because there is always one more little thing we can do to make what we are doing better. There is no rest for the weary. 

This is exhausting, isn't it? 

Instead of our work performance being a source of positivity, it turns into a way we can beat ourselves up. If our work doesn't meet our high standards, even if our work is objectively outstanding, we berate ourselves and feel like we’re failing. You may notice that you often feel anxious and stressed when a new project comes your way. You've lost that eagerness and excitement. Instead you’re worried that you can't measure up if you don't do it perfectly. 

Thankfully, I caught myself when that perfectionist mindset came creeping in when I was finishing up my manuscript. Being aware of your own patterns around perfectionism is the most important first step you can take. You can't change what you can't see. When you can see what's going on, you can make a different choice. It's not all or nothing. You can maintain a level of high-quality work, and keep your sanity. 

What if You Could Be MORE of Your Truest Self and LESS of the Person You Think You SHOULD Be?

You know all too well who you "should" be... 

Put together. 

Smart. 

Nice. 

Healthy. 

Hard working. 

You shouldn't let anyone down, especially not your loved ones. You shouldn't let a deadline slip or have an out of control laundry room. You shouldn't eat "crap" food and you should be exercising regularly. 

When our "shoulds” pile up, they feel overwhelming. And, because there are so many of them, we can never meet all of those expectations and be the right person for everyone else. That can make us feel guilty and like we are always doing something wrong. 

There is another option. 

Recognizing your ideal self and expanding her. Seeing your struggles and acknowledging the wisdom in them. Bringing a compassionate voice to your doubts and fears. Letting go of the "ideals'' that others have created for you and crafting your own standards. Connecting with your true self is the best gift you can give to yourself and the world. 

Oh, I recognize this is easier said than done. But I wanted to offer you a different approach to how you design your New Year’s resolutions, goals and intentions. Essentially, the person we think we should be is that “perfect” person. That perfect person is acceptable, lovable and successful. No wonder we’ve been striving for that. 

In my forthcoming book, I share many stories of how I tried to be “perfect”. I’d straighten my curly hair when I went to important client meetings, so I could present myself as more “put together”. I’d stay up well past the kids went to bed to meet a work deadline. 

But, where has striving for this ideal gotten us?

Exhausted. Frustrated. Overwhelmed. Feeling like a failure. But when we are more ourselves, we get to relax and feel the true confidence that comes from knowing that we don’t need fixing.  

Proving Is to Perfectionism As Dieting Is to Thinness

All humans want to belong and feel worthy of connection. 

Diet culture tells us that thin bodies are healthier, more attractive, successful and lovable. 

The cultural narrative from the patriarchy is that women need to do it all and have it all under control. 

Feeling worthy of belonging isn’t something we need to earn. However, we’ve been told we need to be thin and perfect to feel successful, worthy and lovable. 

I call this the Promise of the Thin and Perfect. 

The Promise of the Thin and Perfect has been in place for generations. We were born into it. So were our parents. And grandparents. We haven’t known any other way to feel good about ourselves except to pursue thinness (or maintain it) and perfectionism. 

The assumption is something is wrong. 

Your body is wrong if it’s not thin enough. 

You’re wrong unless you show the world you have your shit together. 

Dieting and proving are ways to fix. 

Dieting is a way we try to fix our bodies. When restricting food and increasing exercise, we hope for a thin body. 

Proving is a way of showing those around us (and even ourselves) that we are enough. 

We've been given a harmful solution. 

Dieting leads to long term weight gain, reduces metabolism, and makes dieters more susceptible to eating disorders. 

Dieting also makes dieters feel like a failure, robs them of time and energy and distracts them from what's more important in their life. 

Proving is fuckin' exhausting. When proving, you can never do enough. As a result, you rarely carve out time to care for yourself or tune into your needs. Proving leads to burn out. 

When proving, you will only feel good about yourself when others validate you. 

Dieting and proving only offer faux safety and faux control. 

If dieting and proving were a valid solution, you would reliably feel peaceful, connected and satisfied. 

Instead, you likely feel like you’re on a gerbil wheel and can’t get off. 

Because diet culture tells you dieting works and you’re encouraged to show the world the put together version of yourself, you likely feel trapped. 

You keep trying to diet better and prove harder. 

We’ve been duped. The Promise of the Thin and Perfect has always been broken. 

It was NEVER designed to make you feel worthy and successful. It was only designed to leave you distracted, feeling like a failure and most importantly, disconnected from your body. 

Dieting is a way of proving. Thinness is a form of perfectionism. 

They are cut from the same cloth. 

You can only feel peaceful and connected, attractive, and worthy when you're connected to your body. 

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. This is what my second book is about! Does it land for you? 

Healing My Relationship With Food Helped Release My Addiction to Busyness

Being hooked on the hustle was all about my fear of being alone

I’ve been known to wear hard work and busyness as a badge of honor. In high school, I’d often run from softball practice to a babysitting gig, with just a quick shower and a snack on the run. In college, there was even more to keep me busy. Running on the cross country team, volunteering at the student credit union, and studying hard. There was no limit to what I could pack into my schedule. The more the better. I was in constant motion.

Busy and Hard Work Were the Same Thing

Wikipedia may not define busyness and hard work in the same way, but I did. Could one work hard without being busy? Could one be busy without working hard? Yes and yes. But I didn’t know how to separate the two. And frankly, I didn’t want to.

An Addiction to Busyness

I loved being so busy. Doing so much left me feeling so accomplished. My work ethic was something that set me apart from the crowd. In college, I had this snarky little voice that often looked down at my peers when they were sleeping in on the weekends or they told me about their B on an exam. “Hmmph. I guess you didn’t work hard enough.” I thought.

I was working late one night in the office when Bob poked his head in my office. At the end of the conversation he said “Tara, you’re the Tina Turner of public accounting.” It was a funny comment to hear. According to Bob, working until 9 pm put me on par with one of the greatest superstars of all time. That was just more fuel to toss on my hard work fire. What Bob may have overlooked is that he was in the office, too.

In a world where I didn’t quite know my worth, I reached and strived for the most logical way I could find it; hard work. I could earn my value and everyone around me agreed. Our names get posted in the newspaper when we achieve high honors. We get awarded great jobs because of our grades and extracurricular activities. Promotions don’t just land in our lap. We work for them. Our business revenues don’t increase on their own. Growth and expansion take effort. Lots and lots of effort.

Have you noticed this too? Busyness becomes a lifeline, something that assures our safety when we don’t know where we stand in the world. “I feel good when I accomplish something”, seemingly benign words may sound like common sense.

Yet, who are we when we aren’t working our asses off?

The Price We Pay for the Hustle

Are you running on fumes?

When you hit the proverbial wall at 3 pm, instead of finding yourself laying down on your bed for a nap, do you find yourself in the Dunkin’ drive-through for some cold brew and energy to get you through the second shift of your day?

We hustle to and sometimes through our exhaustion. And, without realizing why we’re hustling, there is a risk that you’ll keep doing it. The only thing that may stop you is when your body collapses, gets sick, or get injured.

I tore my shoulder rotator cuff while snowboarding a few years back. One of my kids cut in front of me and I reached back to stop myself from falling. Any medical doctor would say the cause of my injury was my fall. But it wasn’t. My body was exhausted. I was running three businesses. My three kids were in the thick of elementary school and middle school. My body kept whispering, this is too much. Slow down. Rest. I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and they couldn’t take another ounce of busyness.

But I didn’t, couldn’t, and had no idea how to listen to my body back then. All I knew was the hustle. The hustle worked until my body failed. Which may be happening to you. Our body knows what it needs and it knows when it needs rest. Prioritizing hard work at the expense of the care of your body never works in the long run.

Our body’s whispers will turn to assertive demands, which will turn into screams. When we don’t listen to the screams, she’ll take us out. She tried to tell us nicely. She was persistent. But she won’t be silenced. Not when it comes to keeping herself in balance. And that’s exactly who pays the price when we hustle for hustle sake. Our body.

If It’s Going to Be, It’s Gotta Be Me

I have a deep-rooted fear that I’m alone. It’s raw and when I leave it unchecked, it feels so friggin’ real. I can look around at my husband, my kids, my family, and friends, and my logical brain says, what are you talking about? You’re not alone.

The fear of being alone is indifferent to reality. I’ll have a vision of myself in this tiny rowboat in the middle of an ocean. It’s stormy, the waves are high, and the skies are gray.

I’m all by myself, doing life on my own. No one is there to keep me safe. No one is there to protect me. No one is there to send me a fuckin’ lifeline. If I’m going to survive the storm, I need to row. Just me. In my tiny rowboat.

No wonder I needed the hustle to survive the first few decades of my life. My busyness saved me until it broke me.

Slowing Down Is Scary

At first, I needed certain conditions in place to slow down and relax. Slowing down only came after every other responsibility was taken care of. Did I deserve a beach resort vacation? Yes, when I worked twice as hard to make sure to work, projects. and home were all taken care of while I was away.

I hear this from my clients too. At the end of the day, the dishwasher needs to be loaded, the kitchen cleaned, and laundry started, then and only then, can they relax. There is that earning thing again.

Healing My Relationship with Food

While I was working hard and living a self-imposed busy life, I was also taking on a part-time job called weight loss. I was good at being busy with trying to lose weight. My work ethic was ideal for reading books, following programs, tracking calories, running miles, and spending hours in the gym. I was disciplined and trying to lose weight with hard work was another way for me to stay busy.

Something started to shift inside of me when I started to practice yoga and meditation. I started to become aware of my patterns. Instead of living inside of the dysfunction, I could witness it. I started to notice the pain and suffering I was feeling around food. How critical I was of myself and my body, how often I thought about food and what to eat, the rollercoaster ride I took every time I stepped on the scale, and the overeating and bingeing.

Something needed to change and I started with food. It was the most painful thing in my life at the time. I could be busy, but I couldn’t do the aching belly from eating a sleeve of cookies and ½ bag of Hershey Kisses.

Noticing My Body

For the first time in my life, I started to follow my hunger and fullness sensations. While dieting, I dismissed them and tried to ignore them. I started to tune in to my body, which opened the door just enough for me to notice other signals my body was sharing with me.

When I was in the hustle, there was no time or patience for me to notice my body. But now, I was intentionally stopping and inviting these sensations in. It was like my body came back to life and said, “Thanks for listening! I have so much more to share with you.” And the sensations came through, whether I liked it or not. I couldn’t stop listening because I knew it was the healing I wanted and needed.

There was a time in my life when I needed to be busy. It was the only way I knew myself. But this self was fearful, she had something to prove. When she was busy, she didn’t feel alone. Her busyness kept her running from the rowboat.

It’s All About Connection

As I started to get to know my body, I found my safety. It wasn’t in my accomplishments, it was within my own energy and being. I don’t want to paint the wrong picture. I still hustle, until I catch myself. I notice when I push and work hard for no reason. It happens, but not for long. Because my body lets me know when I need rest and when I need to slow down.

I have the healing of my relationship with food to thank. It brought me back to my body, where I can be present to myself and the world around me. When I was fearful of being alone, hard work, busyness, and weight loss were all of those things I did to prove myself. I had to show the world I was worth loving and accepting. Now, I have a way of connecting to my wholeness. And that connection needs no hustle.

How To Let Go of Perfectionism With Food

There was a time in my life when every morning, my first thought was, “I want to have a perfect day with food.” It was part mantra, part prayer.

I was trying to use sheer will to eat the right foods and avoid the wrong ones. I hoped that if I asked God, the universe, or anyone or anything that was listening to my wish, they would help me.

Are you trying to have a perfect day with food?

You don’t need to be on an official diet to be trying to eat perfectly. If you’re trying to lose weight and get healthy, you have a pretty good idea of what foods you should be eating and which ones you shouldn’t.

It’s common to adopt an internal diet voice, which is that little voice that is constantly monitoring what you’re eating and telling you that you’re being good or you’re being bad.

When you’re trying to be perfect, it means that you’re trying to be 100% compliant when following food rules and never break a single one of them.

Yet, let’s look at what happens when you’re trying to be perfect.

The day starts perfectly.

It always does. And then, as the day goes on, life happens. You get an unexpected call from the kid’s school. You have one of those uncomfortable conversations with a family member. You receive an unexpected bill and worry about money.

Or, you drive by your favorite bakery. You go to a networking event that’s serving cookies or muffins and you think, just one won’t hurt.

Life happens. Everyday life with stressors, discomfort, surprises, ups, and downs. And, food, which is just a part of life, happens to be around and available.

The moment you take one bite, your perfect day just disappears. In the blink of an eye, or one small bite.

One bite makes the day wrong.

You’ve already blown it. Like a switch that got flipped, you can’t have a perfect day with food. Who cares? You mine as well eat what you want. So you’ll eat the bad and forbidden foods that you’re not allowing yourself to eat on a perfect day.

After all, tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow, you’ll start again.

But there is something else. You don’t get to just eat what you want without paying a price. You’ll go off the rails, but you won’t do it without feeling guilty and ashamed about what you’re eating.

When you’re not doing it perfectly, you’re feeling bad about yourself.

The embarrassment and shame of eating so badly feels so dark and uncomfortable. You wish you could hide and maybe even disappear. But you can’t.

You may even wonder if something is wrong with you. “Why do I eat like this?” “Why can’t I stop myself from this madness?”

You can only try to hide the disappointment in yourself. And the best way to do that is with redemption.

The only way to feel better is to promise yourself that tomorrow will be different.

A contract is made. You know you can’t do anything about how you ate today, but you can eat perfectly tomorrow. You’ll pay the price, you know you will. The promise of tomorrow is like a glimmer of light that pulls you through.

It even gives you a little lift of optimism. When the sun rises, you’ll get a fresh start. You go to bed with a clear plan on how to be perfect with food and a glimmer of hope in your heart.

The next day starts perfectly. Because it always does.

And the pattern repeats like Groundhog Day.

The destructive cycle of trying to be perfect with food only gives you shame and self-doubt. And, the ironic part is that you’re likely overeating foods that don’t feel great in your body.

Trying to be perfect around food is a lose-lose. You’re working so hard to attain the unattainable.

There is no such thing as perfect eating when you’re trying to eat to someone else’s perfect standards. It’s impossible.

And, because human bodies won’t tolerate food restriction (mentally or physically), it will retaliate and override your desires for perfection. Overeating and binge eating is inevitable.

But more importantly, feeling so much shame and embarrassment is not healthy. You deserve to feel good in your body and have confidence in your food choices.

Perfectionism is getting in the way of true health and vitality.

Start to notice how the destructive cycle of your attempts at perfect eating is impacting your mental and emotional health. Your well-being isn’t worth sacrificing.

Create a new, kinder standard for yourself around food. Nourishing yourself in alignment with your values around your health and how you want to live your life.

When you start to feel that shame and embarrassment, instead of reacting by restricting more, ease up. Be compassionate as you practice forgiveness.

Gently start to give yourself permission to replace perfectionism (and the need to follow external rules) with listening to your body and your inner guidance.

It’s okay to let go of needing to be perfect around food.

It may be scary as you start to let go of perfectionism around food. You may be believing that rigidity is required to keep you in control. I get that.

As you explore this pattern for yourself, and start listening to the signals your body is sharing with you, you’ll discover that you can trust yourself around food. That’s a pattern worth repeating over and over again.