When Someone Comments on Your Weight

When I was in college, I was training to "walked on" to our cross country team. I don't have a typical runners body, but I loved running and wanted to challenge myself. Before the season, I went to my cousins wedding and sat with a family friend. I shared my training with him and my plan to join the team. In front of the whole table, he said "if you're going to do that, you better lose some weight." 

After the initial "fuck you" that I screamed in my head, I felt the sting of embarrassment and shock. I had no words that I could say politely out loud.

But the sucky part was that his comment only confirmed for me my biggest fear at the time. Big girls don't run cross country. I knew I needed to be smaller and leaner. Little did this man know, I was doing my best to eat as little as possible. 

Uggh. If you've had this experience, and I'm suspecting you have, I'm so freakin' sorry. I wish we didn't live in a culture of dieting where it's acceptable (and sometimes encouraged) for people to comment on other's bodies. 

Sadly, it's very common for us to receive comments about our bodies from friends and loved ones. This family friend must have thought he was doing me a favor by telling me I needed to lose weight. Or he was just trying to be mean. Or he was fuckin' oblivious. Or all of the above. 

It doesn't matter what the intentions are of the people delivering comments to us, it's important to remember that your body is none of their business. I know that doesn't keep them from hurling comments your way. But it can help you establish a clear boundary with people. 

One of my responses to this family friend could have been to tell him that I was dieting. This is a common way people respond. It's like "Don't worry. I know. I've got this handled.".  But you don't need to explain how you care for your body to other people. Your body is none of their business. 

You may want to joke or even make fun of yourself. If you received comments on your body, you may have automatically laughed. Laughing is a natural way to discharge discomfort. No need to get down on yourself about that. You're just caring for yourself. 

And, their comments may have surprised the shit out of you. It may have come out of nowhere and really shocked and stunned you. It's not always easy to be thinking on your feet like this. It's okay if you didn't have a response. You were attacked. Don't blame yourself for not having your own defense mechanism ready. 

But if you do want to have words with folks that comment on your body, here are some ideas: 

• No thank you. 

• Please don't comment on my body. 

• Your comments hurt me. Please stop. 

You can use these same words if people are commented on your loved one's bodies. I highly recommend that if you are an adult and someone is commenting on a child's body that you say something to that person. Let them know that they need to stop commenting immediately. No one deserves to be bullied for their body. No one. 

In the meantime, do your best to be compassionate to yourself. You deserve respect. If you don't receive it from others, you can still offer it to yourself. 

I’m Calling Bullshit On Body Image Struggles

“I'm feeling so uncomfortable in my clothes. Especially because I know those jeans used to fit me.” 

“I don't want friends (work colleagues, family I haven't seen in a while) to see me because of my weight.”

“I cringe when I see my reflection in the mirror.” 

“I hate how bloated and achy my belly feels.”

When I hear things like this from my clients, they’ll also tell me that they don’t talk “about this stuff” with anyone else. 

I know that 95% of women are dissatisfied with their bodies, so there is a very good chance you’re also pretty critical of your body. 

But, does it feel as jagged and sharp to you as it does to me? 

When I used to call myself disgusting or fat, those words were so familiar to me. I didn’t feel the pain I was causing myself. It didn’t feel harsh, it was just there. 

And I’m suspecting you don’t feel the sharpness of your words. You’ve numbed yourself to how painful it is to live with your body. And I get it. This is how we’ve had to cope. Numbing isn’t a defect, it’s a strategy.  There may be a part of you that thinks you deserve all of that harmful talk. Or, you may be hoping that if you say horrible things about your body that it will finally motivate you to make a change. 

But it’s time to call bullshit on this entire dynamic. 

Even though we live in a world that tells us our bodies aren’t good enough, it doesn’t mean it’s true. Cultural beliefs are often wrong. Remember when we thought the world was flat? When smoking was cool?  Your body is worthy of respect and care no matter it’s shape, size, gender identity, sexual preference, ability, age or color. 

And, if talking shit about your body was going to motivate you to eat "better" and exercise more, wouldn't that have happened in the past few months? In the past few years? In the past few decades? 

Shaming never ever inspires positive or loving change. Period. 

It's time to stop tolerating this pain. 

Why? 

Because it hurts and you don't deserve to be hurt. 

It's also holding you back from feeling free, peaceful and powerful. 

While you're feeling awful about your body, you're hiding the body you have. You may be hiding by wearing black or oversized clothes. Or, maybe you don't really care about how you dress at all and just wear "whatever". You are trying to fly under the radar so you don't get noticed or draw attention to yourself. 

You stay quiet and reserved. Speaking up means people will hear you. Showing up means people will see you. When you're in the spotlight, the risk of judgment rises. When you're judging yourself, you’re likely assuming everyone else is judging you too. 

And sadly, you may not be wrong. But, you also may not be right. I know. This is a risk you're unwilling to take. 

I know you don’t want to feel the way you do about your body. That’s why so many people diet and try to lose weight. They hope that if their body changes, how they feel about their body will change too. 

I’m calling bullshit on this too. 

If you’re anything like how I was in the past, you’ve been tireless in your pursuit of a better body. And even if it hasn’t translated to all action, you’ve been dreaming and hoping that once your body changes, your life will too. That takes a lot of energy. 

It's no longer about waiting until your body changes until you feel better about yourself. It's about changing how you feel and living in your body so you feel better no matter what. 

You deserve to feel comfortable in your own skin without changing one single thing about your body. You deserve to feel peaceful in your body right now, at this moment. 

Fixing the outside doesn't heal the inside.  Fixing the outside only re-affirms the shame you feel and validates the belief that your body is wrong or broken. 

This is work I do. I guide women to no longer fight with the shame that lives within them, but heal it. I guide women to living inside of their bodies, safely. I guide women to tune in and listen to their inner wisdom. And to care for themselves. 

Here are some examples of how I do this… 

I “introduce” you to your body and its signals. So you can start to notice the subtle messages that will become clearer over time. 

I help you tune into that critical voice and not push it away. When you’re curious, you may discover the voice has a purpose. 

When you notice the outside cultural narratives you’ll see that how you feel about your body is not your  fault. And then you can take full responsibility for how you treat yourself and your body. 

You’ll notice all the ways you’ve been trying to fix your body and realize that’s not moving you to feeling peaceful about your body. 

You start actively caring for your body, every damn day. Not with the prescribed way for weight loss, but by tuning into what your body and spirit is really craving and asking for. 

Want to explore how I can guide you through a process like this one?  

Set up a clarity call with me. On this 45 minute call, we will get to know each other, discover if we are a good fit,  and I’ll share with you more details on how we can work together.

What’s Really Driving Your Food Struggles… Body Shame

When I was really struggling with food, I knew my struggles weren’t about food. I knew this deep inside of me, but I didn’t have words to describe it. 

And my inner knowing didn’t stop me from making it about food.  I would still try to cut back on sugar, or take gluten out of my diet (with no diagnosed gluten sensitivity), or stop eating certain kinds of foods like nightshades or yogurt or coffee. :(. 

I can see now that diet culture offers us so many solutions that are ALL about food. This is how weight loss companies and coaches make their money. 

But there is something that happens when we try to solve a challenge by just addressing the symptom. 

If you are like me, you know the symptom was feeling out of control around certain foods. Worrying that you’d overeat trigger foods. And even believing you have a food addiction. 

When you consider these symptoms, it’s easier to look at a food with sugar and believe that if you could get rid of sugar then all of your food struggles would go away. 

Trying to take sugar out of my diet only made me fight with sugar more. And therefore fight with myself. Making it about sugar only distracted me from what was really going on. But it also reaffirmed my problem as a real problem. Essentially, it kept the struggle in place. 

If you’ve been struggling with food and making it about food, it’s time for a step back. 

You can’t diet your way through your food struggles. 

You can’t restrict your way to feeling more in control around food. 

The part of me that made it about food was the part of me that wanted to keep my weight down. I was hoping that If I could eat the right foods, I wouldn’t gain weight. 

Which is why getting to the root of the struggle is so important. It’s not about food, it’s about body shame. 

We’ve been driven to dieting to fix our bodies. We’ve been told there is something wrong with our bodies and then we internalized body shame. No one has to tell you that your body is wrong or bad, that belief system lives inside of you. You tell yourself that all of the time. 

If you didn’t need to fix your body, you wouldn’t need to diet. If you didn’t need to diet, you wouldn’t need to struggle with food. 

Body shame is at the root of food struggles. 

I guide my clients to understand how their body image and patterns with food work together. If you’d like to explore more support around this, book a Clarity Call with me here. https://bookme.name/tarawhitney/lite/clarity-call