Do You Worry That You’ll Be “Letting Yourself Go” if You’re Not Dieting?

A common fear that arises when people stop dieting and therefore stop trying to change their body is that they will "let themselves go". 

I'm sure you can picture what "letting yourself go" means. 

You'll only want to eat "junk" food. And you'll be eating large amounts of it. 

You will gain weight and won't fit into the clothes in your closet. 

You won't be active or work out. 

You may also worry what other people will think of you when you're not dieting. 

What will they say when you swap out a salad for a sandwich? 

Or if instead of buying low sugar or low calorie foods, you start enjoying the foods you love because they taste better to you. 

Will they think you don't care about your health? Will they express their concern to you? 

Diet culture is pretty masterful at convincing us that if we are not with them, we are against them. 

Which means if we aren't dieting, we must be not caring about our health or bodies. 

Of course this isn't true. If you've been dieting for a long time, you're familiar with two gears; on a diet and off a diet. 

Diet culture tells us that "off a diet" is letting yourself go. 

It's important to remember that if you weren't dieting in the first place, there would be no reason to go off a diet. Being "off a diet" is only the reaction you have (and often the healthiest reaction) to food restriction. 

When you're not restricting food, you get to tune into your body without food rules. 

The truth is that when you stop dieting you're claiming a third gear; nourishing your body and exploring what it feels like to feel satisfied around food. 

This is the opposite of letting yourself go. This is caring for yourself and your body deeply. This is self-care at its finest. 

5 Reasons Community Is Critical To Your Intuitive Eating Journey

I'm gathering a small group of 10 or so women in a safe space for learning, sharing, and connecting along their intuitive eating and body neutrality journey called Community Circle.

I currently have space for 5 more women. If you're interested, please let me know by emailing me back. If there isn't room in this Community Circle session, I'll be sure to add your name to a waiting list for the next one. 

Community Circle begins on Monday, September 26th and runs for 12 weeks. See more details below. 

I've had a few requests for a group support program and I'm thrilled to be offering this! 

Clients on their journey to feel more peaceful around food and their bodies know how challenging it can be. There may be dozens of food rules to unlearn and new signals and sensations to tune into. Along the way, there can be lots of ups and downs and twists and turns. 

This is why it’s important to connect with other women who are on a similar journey. 

Here are 5 reasons. 

1. You won't feel so alone. 

When I was bingeing and overeating, I convinced myself I was the only person that was so out of control around food. Believing this only made me feel worse and made me want to hide. 

But when I started to hear other people's stories about food, I realized I wasn't a complete freak. I could entertain the idea that some of my overeating patterns may not be as bad as I made them out to be. 

This is the power of not feeling so alone and being part of a community. When you feel safe to share your stories and hear other's, what you once thought was a big deal may not feel so awful or heavy.

2. You may share experiences you've never shared before.  

Your relationship with food and your body has taken a lot of time and energy and you've given it a lot of thought. So many people have been bullied about their body size. They've had parents control what they eat or how often they exercise. They've comforted themselves with food when they didn't know how to console themselves. 

When you share what life has been like for you, you have an opportunity for others to witness you. In some situations, you may be negotiating with yourself by saying, “this wasn't that bad”, “this was just normal”, “this happened all the time and no one around me said it was unusual”. 

But it is and it was. And when you share it, you're giving yourself an opportunity to validate the impact it has had on you.

3. When you hear other people's stories, you feel connected to something bigger than yourself. 

Painful patterns with food and your body can make your world feel small. It's common to be completely absorbed in your own experience, while you work hard to try to fix it. 

Offering your attention and grace to someone who is also struggling gives you perspective and allows you to see how helpful you can be to others. You can start to appreciate your own value and contribution. 

4. It's comforting. 

There is no better way to describe being part of a community that has your back, welcomes you, lights up when they see your face and appreciates your voice. Considering how isolating your relationship with food has been, this can feel incredibly healing. 

5. When everyone around you is dieting, it's nice to practice a common sense approach with others. 

A lot of people who have been pursuing weight loss are running in circles with others that are doing the same thing. If this is you, it may be hard to stop dieting and watch and listen to people around you that still are dieting. 

When you can at least come together with a small group of women that are in the same boat you are, you can gain strength from them knowing that you are disconnecting from diet culture together. 

During this 12 week program, we will be meeting every other Wednesday at 5pm EST for a Connection Call. We will also be meeting every other Monday at 12pm EST for a 15 minute Check In. The cost is $450, made in 3 $150 monthly payments. Learn more here.

Our Culture is Disordered

Jenna Hollenstein dropped this massive truth bomb when we caught up earlier this week and I've been stewing on it ever since. 

When living in a disordered culture, people adapt to that disorder. 

Here are just a few ways our culture is disordered around food and body weight. 

You go to Crossfit and the owners are promoting a diet where you don't eat food until 11am. They also sell supplements to help you "not be hungry".  That's disordered. 

The company you work for brings in Weight Watchers to encourage their employees to lose weight. Weight Watchers is a diet, diets have a 5% efficacy rate. By joining Weight Watchers you are increasing your likelihood of long term weight GAIN. That's disordered. 

You watch your favorite show on TV and notice the constant thread of diet commercials. Each commercial lies and tells you this isn't a "diet", it's a lifestyle and everyone can do it. That's disordered. 

When you were in elementary school, the school nurse weighed you and spoke your weight out loud for everyone to hear. That's disordered. 

Family members comment on your weight and tell you they just want to motivate you to be healthy. That's disordered. 

While eating out, calories are listed on each menu item. There is no research available to suggest listing calories changes people's behavior. Regardless. That’s disordered. 

You join a large group of friends and acquaintances out to eat and a few of them talk openly about their latest diet. While they are at it, they comment in a demeaning way on the size of a stranger's body. This all seems normal and familiar. That's disordered. 

You talk to a health coach and they tell you that a certain food group is causing your chronic illness. They unload massive amounts of reasons why, but don't have any valid research to back up their claim. It's hard to un hear this. That's disordered. 

It's all disordered. And we are all trying to just survive in this disorder. You may even try to do “disordered” better, like move from diet to diet, eliminate more food groups from your diet, and stay fixated on your body weight. 

Without seeing the disorder, it's understandable why we are trying to fit ourselves into the disordered culture. But instead of trying to fit into the disorder, we need to see, name and disconnect with the disorder around us. 

What It's Like To Work With Me: A Client Interview with Barbara

---

Hiring a coach is a big commitment. I wanted to offer you some input from my clients so you can hear from them what it’s like to work with me.

I interviewed Barbara, a client that I’m working with around intuitive eating and body image, and asked her a few questions. With her permission, I transcribed our conversation and I’m sharing it here.

Tara: 

Why did you want to work with me? What about me drew you? 

Barbara: 

I first started listening to your podcast. And I liked your gentle approach in interviewing guests and talking with people and presenting information. And I felt like it would be a good fit for me too. 

When we got on a call, I just felt very connected to you. You just have this air of gentleness, but non judgmental and ease about talking to you. And I just felt like I could really open up to you.  

Tara: 

Thank you for that. Did you have any concerns or worries about working with me before we started? 

Barbara: 

I wasn't really sure about how this would go. And to be honest, food and body and diet is so shame filled for me that I was pretty worried about it being too vulnerable or too, just too much. While it has been meaningful and moving, I've never felt like it's been too much. 

You're definitely meeting me right where I am and helping me think differently, but not pushing so much that I'm uncomfortable, in a bad way. It’s like being uncomfortable in a good way to make a change. I don't feel uncomfortable, or pushed, I feel guided and coached.

Tara: 

I'm so glad. Do you have a favorite part of this work?

Barbara:  

I really enjoy hearing your perspective. You'll come in with like, “this is what has worked for me” or “when I started this is how I started thinking, but now I'm thinking differently”. I like knowing I'm not alone in any of this. And with you having experience here. I just feel heard. 

Tara: 

What would you say the biggest transformation is that you've gotten so far?

Barbara:   

It's the realization that diet culture is everywhere. And diet culture is more than diet culture, it influences my perfectionism traits, and how I want to be a people pleaser, and  be well liked. All of those kinds of things. I'm seeing that it all really stems from food and diet and diet culture and the messages that I received from my family or from the media throughout my life.

Being able to just recognize it and notice it without unconsciously devouring it like I was before. Before it was just part of my life. And now I can look at it and go, “Oh, that's what that is. I get it, I can opt out of it.” 

Tara:

Love that. Was there anything that surprised you about working with me?

Barbara:   

This isn't a surprise, but I really wanted it to be a switch that I could flip and all of a sudden be that intuitive eater. Our early conversations about distinguishing hunger surprised me that it was so hard for me or that I was so broken from that part of my body. It's not a good or bad surprise, but I was “Oh, I'm really disconnected.”  And you know, that's been good for me to know that..

Tara: 

Who would you recommend me to?

Barbara: 

I would recommend you to anyone who has any sort of food issues, eating issues, diet issues, or body image issues. As a way to examine how those thoughts got there in the first place and ways to dismantle them. So they can live a freer and easier existence. 

Tara: 

That's perfect. Barbara, thank you so much. I appreciate that. 

---

If you’d like to explore working me, schedule a clarity call with me using this calendar link.

Why Diets Take Women’s Power Away... On Purpose

It doesn’t take an in depth history lesson to know that power has been intentionally withheld from women. Look at voting rights, property ownership and wage disparities, among just a few things. 

When it comes to the power that everyone can have within themselves, power is the ability to have autonomy over your own body and choices.

Attention has always been placed on women’s beauty and in the late 20th century, the thin body ideal was formed as a way of valuing thin women as feminine and attractive. Over time, the value system shifted to include health and success as other attributes to thinness.  

We’ve been sold and told that for a woman to be successful, attractive, and healthy, they need to be thin. 

Most women don’t even question this belief because it’s woven into the fabric of our culture. When a belief is formed and reinforced over and over, it’s very difficult to consider a different way of thinking. 

Diet culture is the force that reinforces this belief and then offers people a solution; diets. Diet culture is what fuels the $70 billion dollar weight loss industry that keeps growing and expanding. 

Diet culture convinces people that dieting and food restriction is an effective way to lose weight and be healthy. 

When in fact, dieting and food restriction has been well researched and regarded as being only effective at long term weight gain. 

But I think you know this. If diets were really effective, wouldn’t you have lost weight on the first one you went on, kept it off and never needed another one? 

And here is where the deception comes in. When folks diet, they… 

• Feel like a failure and blame themselves. 

• Spend countless hours a day obsessing about food and their body weight. 

• Change social plans if they’ve eaten the wrong thing or don’t feel good about their body. 

• Feel body shame and want to hide. 

• Are exhausted and depleted. 

• Become disconnected from their body which often leaves them feeling numb. 

• Lose trust in themselves and look for external validation (like the number on the scale) to feel good about themselves. 

If your body doesn’t conform to the thin body ideal, you’ve been told your body isn’t good enough. It’s not feminine, attractive or healthy. 

The social structure then tells you how to fix your body with diets, clean eating, restriction of food groups and trying to control what you eat. 

If you’ve been dieting to have a better body, you’ve been doing everything that our culture tells you to do. 

But our culture, diet culture and the system that takes away power from women (the patriarchy), has been giving you a solution that’s only harming you. And it’s done on purpose. 

When you’re exhausted, obsessing about food, and feeling like shit because you just stepped on the scale, are you able to… 

• feel happy, 

• engage fully in your life, 

• pursue your passions and dreams, 

• and trust in yourself and your own abilities? 

Of course not. And this is why dieting is a money making tool that takes away women’s choice and power. 

5 Lies We Hear From Diet Culture (and the truth)

Lie #1- 

There is a diet out there that will help you lose weight, you just haven’t found it yet. 

Truth #1: 

There is no intentional way to permanently lose weight. Only 5% of diets result in long term weight loss. 

Lie #2: 

You could lose weight if you had more time and energy to dedicate to your diet. 

Truth #2: 

Diets only result in long term weight gain. This lie is one of the many ways diet culture blames dieters when diets fail. 

Lie #3: 

The sacrifice of your time and energy for weight loss is worth it. 

Truth #3: 

This is a way diet culture motivates you to continue dieting. Many dieters spend most of their waking hours thinking about food, time they can never get back. 

Lie #4: 

You’ll be happier when you're thin. 

Truth #4: 

Consider a time when you did lose weight. Were you happier? Were you relaxed? Did you feel at ease in your body? Most people share with me that when they’ve lost weight in the past, they still felt anxious and worried about their body weight. They didn’t feel happier.

Lie #5: 

If you haven’t lost weight and kept it off, you just don’t want it badly enough. 

Truth #5: 

You can’t succeed at something that’s designed for your inevitable failure. This is another way diet culture blames the dieter and coaxes them to find a new diet. 

If you’re just starting to learn about diet culture, hop over to Christy Harrison’s definition here- https://christyharrison.com/blog/what-is-diet-culture

Let Go of Fear-based Eating

From day 135, Intuitive Eating for Every Day

Do you ever worry that a meal, dessert, or snack just harmed your health? 

Did that slice of bread trigger an inflammatory response? 

Or did that piece of chocolate spike your insulin levels? 

Diet culture sends messages all of the time around what's determined to be dangerous, health-harming, inflammatory foods. 

Whether this information is true or not, consider how fearing foods impacts your relationship with food and your health. 

When we experience fear, we’re anxious and worried. This stress impacts our emotional well-being. Stress triggers an inflammatory response (by the way, inflammation is a natural way our body responds, heals, and protects). 

Feeling guilty about your food choices takes you out of your awareness of your body. It’s harder to tune into hunger and fullness. 

When guilt makes you feel uncomfortable, there is a part of your brain that wants comfort or distraction. As a result, you may eat more. 

Fear-based eating robs you of enjoying food. How can you receive the pleasure of eating, whether it’s from the taste of food, how the food feels in your body, or the experience of eating if you fear the food is harming you? You can’t. You couldn’t enjoy driving a Porsche if the brakes don't work. 

You don’t need to tune out all health claims around food. Be aware of where health claims are coming from. And of course, your body offers you plenty of information about food. 

The truth is no one meal, snack, or day of eating is going to harm your health. 

Letting go of fear-based eating gives you an opportunity to care for your health, your body, and your well-being at a deeper level. 

Thank You Diet Culture

I spent most of my life not even knowing you existed. All I knew was that I needed to be smaller to be pretty. So I tried to be better with food.

I witnessed my mother diet, even though she didn't need to. But you convinced her otherwise. Because of that, I dieted too.

While dieting, I hurt my body. I overfilled her, starved her, dismissed her, and pushed her when she was dead tired.

I know I was the one choosing these actions. But you promised me that I'd be happier when I was thinner. You showed me thin people that were more attractive, healthier and more successful.

I thought I was sacrificing for a reason. But really, I was just sacrificing my sanity and autonomy.

I believed in your promises. Your promises gave me hope.

You never intended to keep your promises. You always meant to manipulate me and millions of people to believe that our bodies are wrong and bad.

When we believe our bodies are wrong, we turn to you to fix us. We've filled your purses, given you our time and energy and you’ve taken away our happiness and freedom.

So for that, fuck you.

I know all we can do is grieve. And heal. And unlearn every single thing you've taught us. You've taught us our bodies aren't worth respecting or worth listening to, but the truth is you're not worth respecting or worth listening to.

The truth is our bodies were never a problem, and have always been and always be inherently perfect.

I wish you didn't exist, but you do.

All we can do is accept you, and see you as a system that we don't need to engage with. When we turn our attention away from you, you won’t have the power to hurt us.

As surprising as this may sound, thank you. By unlearning your teachings, we’re learning how to be in our bodies. Because of your darkness, we have the opportunity to stand in the light.

Why You Can't Stick To A Diet

I know how to diet, but I can’t seem to stick to it. 

Put another way, I know what to do, but I can’t seem to do it. 

Here is what’s going on.

I hear this ALL the time. I even said this to myself back in the day. I added, “what the hell is wrong with me?” 

When I first joined WW in the early 2000s, I ate big batches of veggie soup. I lost my post-pregnancy weight quickly. 

When I tried WW a few years later (after I had my second child), I thought I’d try what worked the first time. So I made veggie soup again. Yet this time, it would stay in the fridge for a week. I’d toss it out. I made batches of soup week after week, with the best of intentions. But I could never bring myself to eat more than a cup or so. 

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to follow the diet again. I knew what to do, but I couldn’t seem to do it. 

Sadly, I spent so much time beating myself up. And you may be doing this too. Here is what’s really going on. 

While dieting, our body is in a state of deprivation. 

But, bodies are NOT designed to be deprived, they are designed to survive (and thrive). 

Which is why, if your body isn’t getting enough calories, it will do everything it can to ensure it will. This is often why folks cycle on diets with periods of restriction followed by overeating. 

Our mind and body are closely linked. 

If we experienced deprivation in the past (aka a diet), our body tells our mind to anticipate danger. The danger is the deprivation. 

For me, veggie soup = deprivation. Which is why I couldn’t eat that food no matter how hard I tried. I was anticipating deprivation. 

My mind and body were working together to ensure my survival. 

See how genius our mind and body are?  

If you’re noticing the same pattern, please know: 

Your body and mind are working perfectly. You’re not doing anything wrong. Diet culture convinces dieters they need more discipline. No amount of discipline can override this mechanism. 

A World Where Women Love Their Bodies

Squeezed into a dressing room, my friend Caroline tossed out a simple question to Kelly and me.

Her eyes glued to the full-length mirror, checking out the pair of jeans from all different angles. Front, back, left side, ride side.

“Do these jeans make me look fat?

We quickly responded…

No, of course not!

They look great!!

Definitely buy them!!

Without realizing it, I was being schooled in the language of body shame. In the mall, with my high school friends.

I learned that I was supposed to be self-conscious about how my clothes fit me.

My thinner friends thought they looked fat. What did that say about my athletic body? I drew the conclusion I must have been really fat.

I learned to ask for other people’s opinions of how my clothes fit. More out of courtesy than necessity. Because it never mattered what they said.

I learned to never trust the words they shared. If they thought something looked good on me, they were just being nice. They wouldn’t tell me the truth.

No matter how our clothes fit, body shame, sadly, fits us like a glove. The conversations we have in our minds comparing and criticizing our bodies are just too comfortable and too frequent.

The schooling continued and body shame was something that just became the norm.

This is why I’m holding a very important vision.

I see a world where all women are loving their bodies. And not needing to only love a perfect version of their body.

They are loving their body just as it is- no matter their age, size, shape, ability, sexual orientation or preference. I see a world where all women love their here and now body.

We know our body is our best friend. We know our body is a source of wisdom and valuable information. We trust our body and we let it guide us.

In a world that tells us our body needs to be different, defying these messages takes a revolution. We need to see these messages for what they are; lies that hurt us.

We need to recognize how precious our bodies are, simply because they are here on this planet.

Loving your body is your birthright.

Can you see it for yourself?

What I See in the Peloton Commercials That You May Not

Peloton, a high-end spin bike company, has some interesting commercials this holiday season. So interesting that major news channels are weighing in and Peloton’s share price is feeling it.

In one commercial, a woman was gifted a Peloton by her husband. She vlogs her year long journey with her Peloton, which includes rise and shine 6am workouts and her ‘come hell or high water’ determination to ride 5 days in a row.

In another, a few men and women are riding their Peloton right after Santa paid his visit on Christmas morning, while their families are nestled in their beds. Peloton claims “our kind of joy feels different”.

Twitter is blowing up. Youtube parodies are getting massive views. Daytime talk shows are having a field day with this.

I’ll toss my own two cents in, as a transformational coach who guides women to create freedom around food and trust their own bodies. And as someone who has owned her own spin bike for over 15 years. I have a few of my old “Spinerval” workouts memorized when they played in the DVD player so often. I was doing my own version of Peloton back in the day.

Peloton is doing what all companies do: market their products so they can increase sales. I’m suspecting that Peloton is targeting the fitness freak (and I say this with love as I have fitness freak running through my blood). Fitness freaks don’t need to be coaxed to go to the gym. We happily set our alarm for 4:30am to get to an early morning workout class. When training for a marathon, we know that our running shoes don’t recognize holidays as a day off.

There is a very important unspoken undercurrent to Peloton’s ads that’s extremely impactful. Peloton is showing us a persona, likely their ideal customer. Someone who can afford their $2,000 plus price tag, who have supportive families that don’t mind them working out at any hour of the day or night, spend their days in a corporate office, and live in nice homes in very comfortable suburban neighborhoods.

Peloton riders appear healthy, committed, disciplined, and focused. Each with a big smile on their face. We see successful, attractive, and happy.

There is also a common denominator with each rider. They are thin.

Before you say, “Of course. They have a Peloton! They are working at it. They deserve to be thin. What’s wrong with that?”

Consider what Peloton is really selling us. It’s not a workout bike. It’s a way to get fit. It’s convenience. It’s variety and intensity. They are also selling us financial comfort, loving families and happiness. Based on what we see in Peloton commercials, this comes with thinness.

This is diet culture and its EVERYWHERE. It’s like a gas we can’t see, smell or taste. It often goes undetected.

Christy Harrison describes diet culture as “a system of beliefs that… worships thinness..., promotes weight loss as a means of attaining higher status..., and demonizes certain ways of eating while elevating others....”. See her blog post for more.

For years, I didn’t even know that diet culture was a thing. What I did know was that I needed to have a smaller body. Which meant I needed to lose weight. Being thin and my happiness was both dependent and interdependent. Meaning, I thought I’d be happier if I was thinner AND I couldn’t truly be happy and content if I wasn’t as thin as I could be. In my mind, happiness = thinness.

I lived with this belief for a long time without realizing that a cultural mechanism instilled it into my being. I never questioned the belief that thin people are successful, happier and more attractive until I learned about diet culture.

Have you been able to recognize diet culture for yourself?

When I did recognize that it was “them, not me”, I slowly started to break up with diet culture. I wish I could say that it was abrupt and immediate. It wasn’t. It took me a while to recognize all of the deception. I held onto a false hope that diets could still work for me. I held on to a small amount of naivete that wanted to believe in the good intentions of companies over the profits they wanted to make.

Sadly, Peloton is in very good company when it sends us the message that thinness is superior. Billions of dollars are being made by companies like them every year that send a similar message.

If you are hearing about diet culture for the first time, I invite you to continue to watch your social feed, notice TV ads, and listen to conversations with a new perspective. The messages are subtle and sneaky.

You have to become aware of a belief before you can change it. When you realize that you’ve been holding your own assumptions around how we value ourselves based on the size of our body, it’s time to question those beliefs.

Is that belief true?

And, when you believe it, what impact does it have on how you feel, the choices you make and how you see the world?

Peloton can go ahead and market it’s a$$ off by slinking in during half time when our favorite football team is playing. You may also have a Peloton or something like it and, like me, love to get your fitness fix in on the daily.

Even so, we need to recognize that our happiness and success in life has nothing to do with the size of our body.

Thank you Peloton, for this reminder!