You Don’t Need to Manage Your Time Better

I wish I could be cloned. If there were two or even three of me, I could finish everything I needed to do. 

I’ve said this. Have you? 

If you are feeling overwhelmed with too much on your plate, the common thinking is that you have a TIME problem. 

On one hand, that makes sense. If you had an extra few hours to work, you’d get more done. But this is a short-term solution. 

When you think you have a time problem, you’re constantly finding, borrowing, or stealing more time.

You- 

• Work extra hard on a big project, convincing yourself this is just a busier time than usual and you just need to grind it out. Meanwhile, a few days or weeks later, you’re back in the same boat. 

• Sacrifice sleep by getting up extra early or working after the kids are in bed. 

• Convince yourself that if you’re checking email while watching TV, you’re not really working. 

• Multitask by taking client and team calls in the car on your way to dropping the kids off at practice or folding clothes while off camera on a conference call. 

Finding more time doesn’t reduce your overwhelm in the long term. 

A part of you knows you’re working at an unsustainable pace. But there may be a good chance you don’t know how to slow down and work differently. 

What you have is an EXPECTATION problem. The good news is you can’t change time, but you can change expectations. 

I empathize. I’ve been there. And I want to offer you some firm but friendly reminders that will help you slow down enough so you can step off the gerbil wheel. 

• Reflect on the expectations you have for yourself. Do you need to be the one who does it all and does it all perfectly? If so, there isn’t enough time that will help you meet the expectations of perfection. 

• Are you sacrificing your wellness and sanity? If so, there will come a time when you’ll have nothing left to give. 

• Your work, family and life aren’t healthy unless you’re healthy. 

• What are you saying yes to? For every yes, you’re saying no to something else. 

• Prioritizing yourself isn’t selfish, it’s essential. 

• Your value doesn’t come from what you produce. 

• We can never get time back. Be intentional and diligent about how you want to use the time you have. 

Would you like coaching support stepping off this gerbil wheel? Book a coffee chat with me and we will explore if we are a good fit.

What's Your Experience of Feeling Like an Impostor?

Over the past few months, I've been doing formal and informal market research to understand what are the obstacles that stand in the way of women reaching their next-level success.

They may want to grow their firm, secure capital, or be promoted to partner. Or, they’re just trying to survive a competitive environment where their colleagues don’t have their backs.

Many mention their need for confidence. They ask themselves "Who am I to do this?". They talk about feeling like a fraud.

I was surprised to hear this so often. I’ve done tons of inner work. But this wasn’t on my radar. While I’ve been processing all of these conversations, a memory popped in.

I was fresh out of college. I sat in a comfy chair in a fancy training room during my first week of new hire training at Deloitte. I looked around the room and immediately thought “I don’t belong here.” I thought I fooled everyone; the senior managers, hiring partners and the VP of HR. What if they knew the truth?

I’ll share more in the future. But for now, I want to normalize this experience. I was one of the first in my family to graduate from college. I was the first accountant. I was the first in my family to work in a high-rise in downtown Boston.

No wonder I didn’t feel like I belonged. No wonder I worried that people would find out I was an impostor.

This is why I want to start a conversation. 

Do you ever feel like a fraud? Does it get in your way?  What do you do to deal with it?

Want to just share your story privately? Feel free to message me here.

When You Can’t Focus

"I've got so much going on. When I have time to get something done, I can't focus."

When I’m feeling this way, you’ll find me scrolling my IG feed. I’ll start watching cat or baby videos or better yet, football hype reels. Or, I’ll mindlessly window shop. 

I get how frustrating this is. You think that if you could be more productive, you’d feel less overwhelmed. You want to work your way out of it, check a few things off your to-do list and feel a sense of accomplishment. 

But you don’t seem to have the bandwidth or energy to focus. What’s going on? 

There is a good chance you're fried. It’s an odd way to describe it, but when our nervous system is working overtime, our circuits go haywire. 

• Are you jumpy and get startled easily? 

• Is it hard to fall or stay asleep? 

• Have you lost your patience and do you lose your temper easily? 

• Does everything, even the small things, feel like a big deal?

These are signs that you need to hit the reset button. 

Working harder won’t help you through the overwhelm (at least in a sustainable way). I know. I said it again. You need to tend to yourself.  

The more you have on your plate, the more downtime you need.  

Giving yourself some space in your day will be worth it. Take time for lunch away from your computer. Go for a short walk. Take 5 minutes and step outside with a cup of tea. 

You can’t be your most creative self if you're feeling depleted. 

Consider some bigger questions... 

• Are you expecting yourself to be all things to all people? 

• Do you have reasonable and sustainable expectations for yourself?  

• Are you able to set boundaries to protect your energy? 

Your struggle with focusing isn’t the real problem, it’s a symptom. As you navigate through this, you’ll see that there is a large part of you that’s asking for more support and a mindset change. 

If you’d like to partner with me to help you through this, set up a time with me to chat.

You Can’t Ever Get Rid of That Negative Voice. Here’s Why.

Yesterday, a friend casually mentioned her negative self-talk to me as “the committee that wakes me up at 2 a.m. to tell me what I should and should not be doing”.

If there is one thing that's universal about the human experience, we all have negative thoughts. 

You've prepared for an important meeting and you're as ready as you'll ever be. As you take a seat around the conference table, your inner voice starts chatting. What if you forget the important points? What if someone asks you a question you don't have the answer to? Your negative inner monologue questions you and fills you with self-doubts. 

In my last post, I shared how important it is to pay attention to this inner voice. Simply notice it and be aware of it. As unpleasant as that may be. 

Now that you're aware of it, what's happening here? Why does that voice jump in during these crucial times when it's the last thing you need? 

You may be surprised to know that this voice has a very clear purpose. It may make you feel anxious and worried, but that’s not what it’s there for. 

Your negative self-talk wants to protect you. 

We have an internal mechanism that detects threats. When a threat is detected, our nervous system will react in a way to protect us. 

When you’re about to give your presentation, a part of you may be anticipating that the folks in the room are judging or criticizing you. Or when you’re in a new situation that feels unfamiliar, a part of you feels uncertain and insecure about what will happen next. Your body detects these situations as a threat.  

We typically react to threats in a few ways by…

• Shutting down. You may feel numb and dulled. 

• Getting angry at others or yourself. 

• Trying to please or appease those around you. 

• Checking out mentally or emotionally. You distract yourself and focus on something else. 

These are ways we freeze, please, flee and fight. 

These reactions are unconscious and automatic responses happening inside your body. You can’t get rid of them. 

This is why noticing your inner committee is so important. You’re fighting yourself when you try to get rid of this voice. Instead of seeing your safety mechanism as a problem, you can see it in a new way. 

By partnering with this voice, you can better understand yourself and how you’re reacting in certain situations. I’ll be sharing strategies and tools to work with this negative voice. Stay tuned.

Is Your Mind Crowded with Negative Self-talk?

What’s going on inside of your head? 

Is it crowded with negative self-talk? 

❗️ I can't do this. 

❗️I need to try harder. 

❓ What’s wrong with me? 

⛔️ They can't see me (or my work). 

❗️They think I’m …. (dumb, wrong, an idiot, bad). 

We’ve all heard our fair share about positive thinking and all of its benefits. 

Before you even try to think positively, are you noticing the thoughts you’re having? 

There is a good chance you’re not. And even if you are, you may not feel how hurtful the words are.

There are a few reasons for this. 

1️⃣ These words are familiar to you because you’ve been speaking to yourself like this for a long time. 

2️⃣ You try not to dwell on these thoughts and work to move past them quickly. 

3️⃣ You try to be a positive person and don’t want to acknowledge that these thoughts fill your mind. 

There is a part of you that doesn’t like it when you speak to yourself so harshly. Rightfully so. 

But you can’t change something you don’t know is there. 

So first, I invite you to pay attention. Get curious. How do you speak to yourself? This isn’t meant to be an exercise for you to judge your thoughts. Just notice the conversations you’re having. It may be interesting to write them down. 

Over the next few posts, I’m going to offer you some insight into what your negative self-talk is all about, how it works, the purpose it serves, and most importantly, what to do about it (it’s not the advice you’ve already read). 

Resistant to Self-care? Ya. Me too.

I would roll my eyes at bubble baths and sleeping in past 6 am.  I dismissed it for years and on the surface, still do. Interestingly enough, I take better care of myself now than I ever did. Here is what shifted for me. 

Firstly, I’m a productivity junky. I love waking up in the morning knowing I’ve got some important things to tackle. I love the satisfaction of wrapping up a day knowing I’ve moved a project forward or been impactful for my clients. 

Being busy and accomplished has offered me a way to feel good about myself. I think this is at the heart of most resistance around self-care for folks. Taking time for themselves may not fill their cup when they can spend the time on a project or meet a deadline that makes those around them happy. 

I recognize the potential trap. Our culture has taught us to value productivity and the “go-go” mentality. But when we only see ourselves as a working machine, we’ve lost sight of how we know how to value and know ourselves. The truth is that we don’t need to earn our value, we are worthy because we are here. But for many busy professionals, it’s easy to forget this. When we perform well, we get rewarded with a promotion, raise or landing new business that contributes to the growth of our company. 

Recognizing this polarity is important. A part of you that values busyness and productivity. The other part may not value downtime and time for rest. When you’re not producing, who are you? 

Your productivity may be the way you know yourself. 

I realized about 10 years ago that how I was working (I was running three separate businesses) wasn’t sustainable or healthy. I said yes to everything and didn’t honor or respect my basic needs of sleep or well-being. 

At the time, if you suggested self-care to me, I would have lost it. It’s like when someone says to you, “Take a deep breath.” That may be what you need, but you don’t want to be told to do it. 

This is why I’m not going to suggest self-care to you. 

Everything changed when I allowed myself to have needs. I realized that I wasn’t weak because I needed to care for myself. I started to value feeling relaxed and well-rested. I started to value being creative. I valued how my body felt when I took a few breaths of fresh air. I was also surprised that my productivity and creativity sky-rocketed when my basic needs were met. When I was depleted, I had little to offer my work. 

That’s when I took responsibility for my health and well-being. I took responsibility for my productivity. 

You’re the only one that can care for yourself. 

I came to realize that I was responsible for my needs. No one was going to jump in and know what I needed. I had to slow down, check in and prioritize myself. 

I’m not sure what the name of this is. Self-care is probably accurate, but along the way, it got a bad rap for being all about bubble baths and pedicures. 

So, resist self-care all you want. I’m with you. But please, take responsibility for your well-being. 

A Different Way To Think About Confidence

Are you hoping that raise or promotion will finally make you feel successful?

Are you hoping that when you hit that revenue target that you'll know your organization has finally "made it"?

Are you hoping that when you've lost that 20 lbs, you'll finally feel confident?

Many people have this "one" thing and believe that when they reach it, everything will change. Life will be magically transformed and all problems will go away.

More often than not, goals get reached and the person doesn't feel what they were hoping for.

They got the promotion or raise, but instead of celebrating, they said to themselves "what's next?".

They lost the weight and felt stressed, worried and unhappy.

This is because what we are focused isn't what we really desire. And external achievements or circumstances often don't impact our vital needs.

If you're looking for more confidence, success, safety and happiness, that doesn't come from what's happening around you. You need to generate yourself.

Running on Fumes? Can’t Step off the Gerbil Wheel?

My clients are exceptionally efficient. Take Julie for example. She’s only been in her role for 2 years and she’s already taking on director-level responsibilities. She does her job and then some. She has no problem stepping up and challenging herself professionally. 

Yet, by the end of each work week, Julie’s completely fried. She’s so depleted that she doesn’t have the energy to do those things that are important to her. She’s often too tired to sleep. Her body is exhausted, but her mind won’t rest. 

Like Julie, you have too much to do and not enough time to do it all. And you’ve gotten good at getting shit done. You know how to multitask. You’re exceptional at managing projects and making sure you hit each deadline. 

My clients realize they’re working at an unsustainable pace. But they don’t know how to step off of the proverbial gerbil wheel. If this is you, I want to let you know what’s really going on here and give you one thing you can do right away. 

Ambitious women have been required to prove themselves. We’ve learned this from a young age. Remember the pressure you felt to do well in high school to get into the right college? And then in college, you had to make the Dean’s list. Your high achievements have been swiftly acknowledged. You’ve climbed the ladder. Received promotions and raises. 

Working hard, going above and beyond, and trying to do the “right” thing has gotten you far. But it’s not going to get you any further when you’re trying to prove that you’re perfect. When women try to be perfect or meet a standard they believe they need to be, they will sacrifice their own time, health, and sanity to reach it. 

Julie’s doing whatever it takes to prove herself. You likely are too. And when it comes to trying to be perfect, there is NEVER a time or accomplishment that allows you to feel like you are perfect. The finish line keeps moving. This is why you feel like you can’t step off the gerbil wheel. 

Meanwhile, you’re prioritizing everyone else’s needs ahead of your own. Client’s deadlines get met. Staff reviews get written and delivered. The kids get driven to their sports practices. Dinner’s on the table. 

Caring for yourself comes last. In some cases, gladly. Because you’ve told yourself that the accolades that come from being great or even exceptional are more important than sleep, nourishment, play, peace or relaxation.  Or, you couldn’t bear the thought of “failing” and letting someone down. Only getting five or six hours of sleep is a worthwhile price to pay. 

Do you see the trap you’re in? There is no way you’re getting to that finish line when you’re trying to meet someone else’s standards. Ever. How do I know this with such certainty? If I know you the way I think I do, you’ve already put in an immense amount of time and energy to be perfect. And in your mind, you’re not there yet. If there was a real finish line, you would have crossed it by now?

Ready for a change? Today, take a lunch break. Eat lunch. Not at your desk. Not while you’re on your phone. Fix yourself something you’ll enjoy eating. Give yourself 20-30 minutes and just eat. 

This is probably going to be hard for you. Don’t blow it off. By taking a small fraction of time in your day for yourself you’re choosing to prioritize yourself and your needs. It will likely feel uncomfortable. You may try to convince yourself that this is a worthless endeavor. If that’s what you believe, then definitely make sure you do this. 

Proving that you’re perfect or trying to prove that you’re perfect is deep-in-your-bones exhausting. You can’t work your way out of this. When you can see the trap you’re in, you just need to stop running.

It’s Time To Stop Criticizing Yourself So Often

Here’s a Way To Forgive Yourself so You Can Move On

Years ago when I was working as a corporate controller, I keyed in the wrong payroll information and one of our employees wasn't paid. I was sick to my stomach. I prided myself on double and triple checking my work, but this one slipped through the cracks. Of course, I fixed it, apologized and made sure the employee was paid as soon as she could have been. But while it was happening, I was beating myself up. How could I let this happen? I needed to be more careful! This is embarrassing. 

From then on, every time I processed payroll, the memory of that mistake would come back and I worried I’d make another one. Even though the mistake was far in the past, I kept bringing it to the present and would ruminate on it. 

Many high-achieving women are slow to forgive themselves.They hold onto a mistake or misstep, ruminate and rehash it, and beat themselves up for it. Their mistake could have happened 10 years, 10 weeks, 10 days or 10 minutes ago. It still occupies a lot of space in their minds.  In a 2016 study of 2,000 women in the UK, it was found that women criticize themselves at least eight times a day.  

When our expectations are high for ourselves, there is little room for messing up. We work hard to be prepared, to double check our work, do the right thing and make the best choice. These expectations don't just live in the office, they can include how we juggle our home life, how we work out and the food choices we make. 

Some folks are under the misconception that holding onto mistakes will help minimize them in the future. The reality is that after a few moments of reflection, holding onto a mistake only erodes our confidence and distracts us from what's happening in the present moment. 

How can you be fully present when you're beating yourself up for overeating at dinner? Or, re-writing that email response you sent this morning in your mind? Or, wishing you weren't late picking up your kid at basketball practice? 

While you're beating yourself up, you're also letting the magic of the moment slip by. You may miss listening to an important conversation, noticing how warm the sun feels, or enjoying a lovely meal. Essentially, when you don't forgive yourself quickly, you're allowing yourself to be robbed. 

Forgiving ourselves quickly takes some practice and willingness. Start by noticing the cost of not forgiving yourself, because there is one.  Catch yourself when you start to beat yourself up. 

When I was training to be a yoga teacher, I was taught the importance of forgiving myself in the moment. It's called instant forgiveness. It's common for teachers, especially new ones, to forget to call a pose or mix up their lefts and their rights (it's harder than you think!). If a teacher makes a mistake and beats themselves up for it for the rest of the class, they rob themselves of the peace or excitement they could feel at that moment and they rob their students of their full engagement. 

One of the tactics my yoga mentor would teach us would be to say "So what".  You forgot a pose, "so what". By saying "so what", you lessen the negative meaning your mistake has on you.  In "How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job" the authors recommend a similar approach when you're plagued with ruminating on your past mistakes. They suggest saying "oh, well" to yourself. There was a mistake on page 6 of your presentation, "oh, well". You felt nervous and stumbled over your words at your last talk, "oh, well". 

Whether you say "so, what" or "oh, well", remind yourself that your mistakes aren't something you need to carry with you into the future. You can learn from them and move on. And the quicker you can do this, the more you and everyone around you will benefit from it.