What Food Cravings Are Trying To Tell You

When you crave a glass of water, do you question it? 

When you crave a hug, do you second guess yourself? 

When you crave a nap, do you dismiss it? 

When you crave an empty bladder, do you ignore it? 

Your body is fantastic at communicating its needs. 

Yet, when it comes to food and how we eat, diet culture and wellness culture have convinced us otherwise. 

Here is what we hear: 

• Sugar is addictive. 

• Inflammatory foods harm our health. 

• Be more disciplined. 

• Avoid cravings by eating "healthier" foods. 

• Drink a glass of water so you feel full. 

• Basically, we're told that cravings are bad. 

Which makes me insane. Ultimately, we've been taught to NOT trust our bodies. Our bodies offer us an incredible amount of information. 

Your body is your wisdom, your source of peace and security. Yet, you've been told that your body is the enemy. You've been told that it must be changed, and it needs to be fixed. 

Trust your cravings. 

And if that feels like a big stretch, start by getting curious around them. They are not wrong or bad. They are offering you information. 

Cravings are letting you know what your body (and soul) needs. 

What We're Really Hungry for When We Eat Emotionally

We all just want to feel okay

This post is from my book Hungry: Trust Your Body and Free Your Mind around Food. 

I polled several clients and asked when they first heard the term emotional eating. I discovered that they heard it either from a Weight Watchers leader or, like me, they couldn’t remember. It was just a term they knew that helped them understand why they were overeating.

I saw a chart, maybe a therapist showed me, or I had read it in a weight loss book, that claimed we want to eat crunchy and salty foods when we are angry and warm and sweet foods when we are sad. When I was trying to understand my own episodes of overeating, this chart seemed to help. It linked trail mix to stress, cheese and crackers to anger, and ice cream to sadness. I now had a tool I could use to dissect my overeating behavior and inform me how I was feeling. Accurate or not.

If my emotions were causing my overeating, I now had something else to blame. It wasn’t just the temptation of food, it was how I felt. By far, this was an even bigger and more serious personal attack.

Foods Makes Us Feel Better

When we eat a sugary food, like a pastry or a cookie, our brain releases dopamine. Dopamine is the “feel-good hormone” that can improve our mood, make us feel better, and increase our motivation. We can physically alter how we feel, from sad to happy, with one bite of cake, spoon of ice cream, or Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.

I shared with you the first binge I had when I was a preteen. As I’ve reflected back on what drove me to eat so much food, I realized it was simple. I wanted to feel better. Over time, as I repeatedly overate, I formed a pattern in my mind. If I didn’t like the way I felt, food, especially salty and sugary treats, could change that. I even found myself eating if I anticipated feeling uncomfortable, like if I knew I had a big project at work due the next morning and needed to stay up late finishing it. The anticipation of stress and overwhelm was enough to drive me to the food pantry.

We’ve been told our emotions are the reason we’ve been overeating and why we choose the foods we do. However, that’s simply not true.

Not Okay to Feel

We live in a culture where it’s not okay to express our emotions. Our culture tells us it’s a sign of weakness if boys cry and a sign of volatility if girls get angry. Growing up, our elders may have showed us how to express how they felt by not expressing emotion at all. Chances are, they said, “I’m fine,” got quiet, or tried to hide how they really felt. Vulnerability around expressing emotions hasn’t been modeled for us, but instead, we’ve been shown how to keep our emotions under control and pretend everything is okay.

And they told us:

“You need to calm down.”

“Stop crying.”

“Go to bed and you’ll feel better.”

“I’ll talk to you when you’ve stopped crying.”

As a result, we also ignore how we feel.

A pivotal time for me on my healing journey was fully feeling my emotions. Instead of pretending I was okay, situations would arise where I was furious, or filled with jealousy or anger — all feelings I thought were inappropriate for me to feel. I didn’t want to admit to anyone that I was petty, reactive, or insecure. But I was, and when I let the feelings come up and fully felt them, it was uncomfortable. I would feel the heat, I would scream, or I would cry. At times, I would feel a sharp pain in my chest.

I never ate while feeling my emotions. Instead, I ate to avoid them.

When we are on the verge of something uncomfortable, eating can soothe us and distract us from feeling.

What Are Emotions?

Emotions are just an energy that wants to move. They’re the most beautiful form of expression we have. They show us how we are living in this world and experiencing it.

Like our two-year-old who demands our attention when we are on the phone, our emotions simply want to be recognized. They want us to look them in the eye and fully be with them. We’ve been brushing them aside or running away from them as fast as we can, but really, our feelings just want us to stop and let them surface.

Blaming Our Circumstances

In our minds, our feelings have been the reason for our overeating. If we weren’t so stressed, we wouldn’t be stress eating. By blaming our feelings for overeating, we have another way of blaming ourselves for our eating behavior. By doing this, we may believe our circumstances are to blame for our overeating. If work wasn’t so stressful, we wouldn’t be stress eating. If we weren’t in the middle of a divorce, we wouldn’t feel so scared. If a loved one didn’t just pass, we wouldn’t be so incredibly sad.

When one of my clients, Jen, heard about emotional eating from her Weight Watchers leader, she felt the relief of understanding why she couldn’t eat just one piece of cake but had four instead. Emotional eating explained her overeating problem, yet it didn’t stop her from overeating. As a single mom to three young children, her life with an overwhelming house during the week and an empty and lonely one every other weekend felt like an emotional roller coaster. Jen didn’t feel safe to fully feel her sadness, and overeating was able to soothe her immediately. But after she binged, Jen felt ashamed and hopeless.

Overeating distracts us when we start feeling uncomfortable and don’t want to feel. However, the aftermath of a binge is even more impactful and painful than the feeling we initially may have been avoiding. Wanting to hide when we overeat erodes our confidence. We feel far worse after a binge than we did before. Why? Because we have an achy belly overfilled with food. We may worry we will gain weight. We tell ourselves we are disgusting and out of control. Because of our definition of emotional eating, the only thing we can blame for this behavior is ourselves and how we feel.

Feelings are our savior. 

They are an energy that wants to move through us. Getting to know them and being with them is simply getting to know ourselves. Feelings are an expression of ourselves. Feeling our feelings takes courage, as doing so sends a deliberate message to ourselves that we are okay. We are okay to be sad, and therefore we will feel sad. We are okay to be angry, and therefore we will be angry. 

Feeling isn’t just about the emotion as much as it is about being okay with ourselves. And being okay with ourselves includes learning to appreciate and respect our bodies.

Food Struggles Aren't About Lack of Willpower

It’s time to stop blaming yourself and understand what’s really happening

Your fridge is filled with healthy foods, yet you snack on salty treats from the pantry. You have all the fixings for a salad, yet you order take-out. You’ve been trying hard to avoid certain foods. Yet, after a few weeks, days, or hours, you decide that one handful won’t hurt. Then one turns into too many.

According to popular diet advice, you’re doing all the right things. You’re meal planning and removing the “bad” foods from your kitchen. Yet, something seems to stop you.

It’s frustrating when you work so hard toward something and you don’t get the results you’re looking for.

Especially when diet culture tells us that diets will work when we work hard enough. Diet companies show us before and after weight loss pictures. We read testimonials from folks that have finally lost weight because they stuck to the plan. They were driven and focused.

If they can do it, why can’t I?

When you feel derailed, again and again, it’s not surprising for you to conclude that you must be missing something. You take your diet failures personally. After all, if Mary Jo from Arkansas can drop 40 pounds, why can’t you? You conclude that you must be lacking willpower.

Weight loss companies play the blame game

If your car doesn’t drive, it’s not because you’re a bad driver. Your car needs repair.

If your doctor prescribed a medication that was supposed to improve your health and it didn’t, you wouldn’t blame yourself. It’s the wrong medication for you.

Yet, when folks regain weight after being on a diet, they don’t blame the diet. They blame themselves.

Weight loss companies profit when dieters continue to try their programs again and again. They purposefully design their marketing material to make you believe their product works by giving you proof.

What they don’t tell us is that their program is only designed for short-term (one year or less) success. They don’t ever tell you that the research is clear. Dieting leads to long-term weight gain.

Consider the study done on participants of the Season 8 Biggest Loser reality TV show. Thirteen of the fourteen contestants regained weight after 6 years. Four of the contestants regained all of their weight loss and now weigh more than they did at the start of the competition.

The blame is subtle because the promises of weight loss are loud and the truth is hidden in the fine print.

Let’s consider the truth

I’m willing to bet you have plenty of willpower. Most of my clients are driven, motivated women that know how to get shit done. They often say to me, “why can’t I just figure this ONE thing out?” They are juggling work, family and personal time. They’re at the top of their class and continue to climb their professional ladder.

When it comes to dieting and weight loss, the adage “the harder you work the luckier you get” does not apply.

You’re not sabotaging or lacking anything. There is something else happening inside of you.

When you are tempted to eat forbidden foods, do you notice a voice that says:

“Come on. You deserve to eat that.”

“Oh no! Don’t eat that. You know you can’t control yourself around that food.”

“You want that, go ahead and eat it.”

Those might sound like unmotivated words. This voice taunts you and coaxes you to eat the foods you’re trying to avoid and to keep eating when there is a part of you that wants to stop.

This voice is your inner food rebel

It ignites a battle within yourself. You may naturally want to argue with this voice or silence it. After all, on the surface, it’s this voice that leads you down an undesirable path. But it’s important to understand where the inner food rebel comes from.

Humans want to make their own choices and decisions. One of the most basic needs humans have is autonomy. We want to have a say in what happens to us and not be controlled or told what to do.

Growing up, I recall saying to myself “You can’t be the boss of me.” I’d literally and figuratively stomp my foot and plant my hands firmly on my hips when anyone or anything tried to tell me what to do or what I couldn’t do. I was hell-bent on not being pushed around.

Where the inner food rebel was created

Yet, that’s exactly what a diet does.

Dieting takes away our autonomy and our own choices around what to eat and when to eat it.

Yes, I know. We are generally the ones that put ourselves on a diet. No one is making us count calories or eliminate sugar.

In many ways, our dieting and weight loss efforts did feel mandatory. We’ve been told our body needs to be slimmer to be more attractive. We see our slimmer friends and want to fit in. In our society, dieting has been considered a worthy sacrifice.

Yet, what’s really happening is we’re sacrificing our free will. Humans are designed to be free, and freedom can’t be sacrificed. This is why your inner food rebel was created.

Inner food rebel reframed

Many of my clients describe the age and tone of their inner food rebel as a young version of themselves. Often because the voice was created during a time when their choices were taken away, as early as 8 or 9 years old.

During this time in our life, we experienced inner conflict. A part of us was so eager to fit in and follow the rules. Another part wanted complete autonomy over what she eats and when she eats it.

The inner food rebel was created to protect your independence and free will. It’s there to assert yourself when it wasn’t safe to do so. The inner food rebel isn’t your enemy. It’s your protector and the part of you that wants to be expressed. It wanted to protect you from losing yourself, from not having a say, and from being trapped into doing what you didn’t want to do.

It’s understandable to confuse your inner food rebel as a lack of willpower.

Get to know your inner food rebel

Your inner food rebel doesn’t need to be silenced for you to make choices that serve you best. That’s the good news. You can work with your inner food rebel to move forward to changing your relationship with food.

Start to tune into this voice. Listen for it with curiosity. There may be an opportunity here to heal some of your past hurts in your relationship with food and your body.

You can co-exist with this voice without making it your enemy or see it as a character defect. Allow your inner food rebel to have her space on the stage and you can still make a different choice around what, when and how much you eat.

It’s not your fault that you’ve been blaming yourself for having a lack of willpower. Your inner food rebel is a complicated mechanism. On one hand, she doesn’t appear to have your best interests in mind. But really, when you understand her better, she’s been advocating for your needs from the very beginning.

How To Feel Emotions

An essential practice when you want to overcome emotional eating

Emotions are like gas. They pass.

I heard this from a yoga teacher forever ago.

It’s so consoling, isn’t it? Knowing that we can feel the swell of anger, sadness, fear and even happiness and that eventually, inevitably, they will pass through us.

Emotions don’t sit and stay stuck.

If you are anything like me, there was a time in my life when I had a hard time feeling feelings. I didn’t know what to do with the heat of my anger or the weight of my sadness.

Quite honestly, my emotions scared the shit out of me. I had a vision of a faucet. Once I turned the handle and emotions started to flow that they would never stop. I was afraid that I’d be overtaken by them. I believed they would leave me curled up in a ball on a cold floor, unable to move.

This was one of the reasons I turned to food for comfort.

I started to eat emotionally when I was 13. I didn’t have the tools or the support to recognize what to do with my discomfort. Over the years, I would even eat emotionally when I anticipated an uncomfortable emotion.

It took me decades to understand what we really going on with my emotional eating patterns. I had many layers to pull back. I knew that dealing with my emotions, whatever that meant, was a pivotal part of my recovery.

The idea that emotions pass gave me a bit of courage.

I never considered that I could feel my feelings and go on living my life. I welcomed the idea that I didn’t need to put my life on hold to process all of my past hurts and traumas.

This was the start of me embracing my humanness. I opened myself to feel in my mind. Yet, understanding something in theory and having an experience of something are two very different things.

Not surprisingly, it didn’t take long for the opportunity to be with my emotions to present themselves.

One afternoon, I was scrolling through my social media when I saw a post by a friend that was at an outdoor yoga festival. She was there with a few of my other yogi friends. This was the first I’d heard about the event. My first reaction was to wonder why I hadn’t been invited.

My mind started to run wild. I’d been excluded. I was left behind. I wondered what I had done wrong. I wondered why my friends left me out.

In a few short moments, I made the choice that I was going to be with my hurt. I didn’t know what would come next, but I was ready to find out.

Instead of focusing on my thoughts, I put all of my attention on my body.

I felt a big weight on my chest that moved down to my belly. Tears immediately poured out of my eyes. I let them flow. I allowed the heaves of pain to move through me. My body shook and I could barely breathe.

And then, something amazing happened. As quickly as the emotions came, they left. This intense experience only lasted a few short minutes. I felt what needed to be felt, and then the energy of the emotions disappeared, like a bubble. It popped and dissolved.

My body felt relief, lightness and some fatigue.

This one experience was just the beginning of something big for me.

I was also proud of myself and my body. I partnered with her, I trusted her, I allowed her space to do what she’s designed to do; process emotions.

As I was teaching myself how to be with my feelings, I was also teaching myself how to be in my body. When I was afraid of my feelings, it was my mind that was afraid. My body was saying, “I’m here for this. Come what may. Bring it!” But I wasn’t aware of her capacity to feel yet. I hadn’t yet recognized her power.

When you’re ready to feel your emotions, start with these practices:

1.Know the truth about emotions.

Emotions are energy that are meant to move through your body. Our bodies are designed to process emotions. Emotions aren’t good or bad, they just are.

2. Practice tuning into the sensations of your body.

Sometimes your body knows the emotion before your mind does. Check in with your body regularly throughout the day and notice what signals your body is sharing with you.

3. When an emotion arises, give it space.

When we make room for something, we stop judging. That’s all your emotions want from you. Acceptance.

4. Just be and get curious.

You won’t know how your body will process the variety and intensities of your emotions until you experience it.

I’ve been able to take my practice into my healing of emotional eating. I guide my client’s to do the same. It was okay that I didn’t know how to feel. It’s okay that you may have no idea what to do with your emotions.

But know this. When you let them arrive. And give them space to be. They will likely leave as quickly as they came.

You’ve Tried Everything To Stop Overeating

Except for this one thing that made a huge difference for me

I had a sugar hangover on most Monday mornings. Still filled from eating too much the night before. Still empty and hungry for something I couldn’t name.

My mind would be busy trying to figure out how to stop myself from overeating and losing control around food ever again. I’d tell myself, “If I could just fix this, everything else in my life would be better.”

Yet, a week would pass. A month. And many more. Despite all of my efforts and prayers, I couldn’t stop myself from doing what I kept doing week after week. And I tried everything. More diets. Calorie tracking. Nutritionists. Therapists. Mantras. Journaling.

There came a point when I knew that I had to try something new. I felt somewhat insane doing the same thing and expecting a different result. Here is what I did.

What’s happening now.

Chances are, you’re frustrated when you eat too much because you’re afraid of weight gain. You want to change your body and get healthier. Yet, overeating is painful because it’s getting in your way.

Overeating becomes an obstacle on your path, preventing you from getting to where you want to go.

The obstacle gets bigger and bigger because we create a lot of stories around overeating and what it means to have this problem. The first time you overate, it may have been a pebble. Now, after months or years of this pattern, it’s turned into a massive boulder.

A problem becomes a problem when we make it mean something.

Eating 10 Oreos has become a big deal. It’s personal. It means something about you, your value, and your character.

Consider an “I do this… because I’m…..” statement. For example, “I can’t stop overeating because I’m broken, and there is something wrong with me.” This may be a typical conversation you have in your mind.

Overeating is no longer about having a filled belly; it means something more. It can mean you’re broken, wrong, damaged, and have no willpower.

Overeating becomes a personal attack.

Explore how you’re making overeating a problem in your mind. Consider questions like these:

When you just ate that second bowl of ice cream, what did you say to yourself about yourself?

What does it mean about yourself that you ate more than what your body needs?

What does overeating say about you, your character, your health, and your body?

Stepping around the obstacle.

Overeating isn’t the problem. The problem is how you’re thinking about overeating. Feeling broken is the real problem.

This is why you may feel stuck. Your focus and attention have stayed on the same internal conversation.

You’ve been pouring your energy into trying to fix the problem the same way over and over.

Without the narrative around what it means to overeat, you can look at your patterns with food with fresh eyes. Overeating will no longer be an obstacle that’s in your way.

Examining why you feel damaged and believing weight loss will fix that is the real work. But let’s put that aside for now.

A new approach.

When I stopped focusing on stopping myself from overeating and started focusing on tuning into my body, my binging quietly and unceremoniously slowed down and eventually stopped.

Give yourself permission to let go of the stories and beliefs that have made overeating significant to you.

When these patterns are no longer personal, you’ll change your focus and attention to make the changes you desire in your relationship with food.

How To Be More Compassionate With Yourself Around Food

Because the conversations you’re having with yourself matter. A lot.

We have conversations in our minds all of the time, often without noticing them. More often than not, the conversations we have with ourselves today are the same ones we had yesterday.

And the day before.

And the day before that.

When it comes to your relationship with food, these conversations play a critical role. You’re already having a conversation in your mind around food. They may sound like this:
“Today will be different. I’ll eat the right things and not overeat.”
“I’ve got this, today I won’t eat too many carbs.”
“I’m going to the gym today to burn off those calories from yesterday.”

These conversations may sound beneficial on the surface, but if you consider the words more carefully, you’ll notice these words may not be helpful at all.

You’re trying to stay in control. You’re trying to be disciplined. You’re not trusting yourself around certain foods. These conversations are really weapons as you continue to fight yourself around food.

Stop Fighting With Yourself Around Food

Fighting with yourself around food takes a lot of energy. Our desire for weight loss often means we’re restricting and dieting, which creates a cycle of deprivation. Our bodies aren’t designed to tolerate deprivation, which is why you likely overeat and binge. You’re not doing anything wrong, it’s the mechanism of dieting that’s making your body react the way it is.

Conversations that encourage more restriction and compliance aren’t kind and certainly don’t fuel a healthy relationship with food.

What’s the Best Way To Avoid This Endless Fight?

Start with noticing these conversations.

Which may be challenging. The dialogue has been there for so long and shows up on the daily, you’re likely not even distinguishing it as something harmful.

The conversations in my mind had me waking dutifully at 5:30 and into my running shoes. I needed to burn the calories from the day before. Today needed to be different.

While pounding the pavement, I’d often rethink and beat myself up for what I ate the day before.
“Why did I eat that bagel? I shouldn’t have eaten that ice cream last night. I’d finish my run with a plan. More salad. More discipline.” I told myself, “I’ve got this. Today would indeed be different.”

But that never happened. It was always Groundhog Day all over again.

This is why I want to offer you a new conversation to have with yourself.

“I Give Myself Permission To…”

One of my favorite phrases opens up a new way to be around food, with more kindness and compassion — “I give myself permission….”

Instead of forcing yourself into being disciplined and compliant, consider how you can give yourself permission to:

• Listen to your body.

• Recognize your hunger and nourish yourself when your body is eager for food.

• Rest.

• Give yourself a break from work.

• Walk instead of run.

New Possibilities

You may be labeling how you eat in one of two ways; good or bad. Yet, when you start having a gentler conversation with yourself, you’ll start caring for yourself differently. You may notice your own willingness to prioritize simple needs, like rest and adequate nourishment.

Go ahead, give yourself permission. After all, you’re the only one who can.

Compassion during the COVID-19 Pandemic

Yesterday, I sat at my kitchen counter, told Alexa to play this song and let some tears fall. I was sitting with my 16 year old son and he thought this was hysterical (only as a teenage boy could). He yelled up to his sister so she could also witness Mom falling apart.

There was a time in my life when I wouldn’t have allowed myself to feel so much. I would dismiss uncomfortable feelings. I didn’t want to cry or fall apart. I just wanted to stay in control, stick to my routine, and stay on plan. Especially around food. I needed to eat all the right foods and work-out as often as I could. By staying in control I could avoid sadness, anxiety, loneliness and anger.

For the past few weeks, and for who knows how many weeks to come, our familiar routines have vanished. We can’t freely do some of the simplest of things, like drive to our yoga studio or gym, meet up with friends and loved ones, and buy some essential products in our stores.

Trying to control the uncontrollable is no longer an option.

I heard a news report that people are eating more comfort foods, which isn’t real news to me. Everyone is seeking some form of comfort right now. How has it been for you?

If there is a silver lining in any of the COVID-19 pandemic, it’s this. We’re being challenged. Our old safety mechanisms are no longer available. 

Creating a way to navigate this moment and the next one will look and feel differently for everyone. I had a fantastic conversation with my friend Dr. Tiffany Denny on my podcast Hungry: Trust Your Body. Free Your Mind. She and I agree that we must move forward with compassion for ourselves and others.

This was one of my biggest personal shifts in my own relationship with food and my body. I practiced self compassion, which meant I could be softer and kinder around how I treated myself. I could let go of the rigidity of plans and give myself permission to be more gentle.

With compassion, we slow down and experience life in a richer and deeper way.

Earlier this week, I caught this video on FB. I felt so light as I laughed and laughed and let some tears fall.

With love and connection~

Tara

Emotional Eating and COVID-19

Life with COVID-19 is pretty crazy right now.

Have you noticed that your emotions are also pretty intense and volatile?

In no particular order, you may feel:

• Annoyed. Enough already. How much longer do we need to deal with this?

• Worried. What’s going to happen to our economy, our jobs, our health, and our sanity?

• Crazy. Am I the only one not worried about this?

• More Crazy. Why am I worried and those around me aren’t?

• Sad. I’m missing out, those around me are missing out. Life isn’t supposed to work this way.

• Angry. I don’t like not having control over things that are important to me.

• Anxious. I’m worried for the future.

• Relieved. Yes! I get to slow down, catch up on sleep and relax. A forced slow down sounds good to me right now.

• Grateful. My family and friends are safe. I may not be able to get TP at the grocery store, but they have plenty of fresh fruit and veggies. At least I have power in our home and an internet connection.

• Frustrated. I can’t seem to focus or settle down.

• Eager. I’m ready for life to return to normal.

How about all of the above?

I acknowledge you. If this is what you’re experiencing, I understand. I feel it, too. You’re not alone.

You may feel so much that you may turn to food to feel better.

Here’s the thing.

Food can comfort. Food can distract. Food can soothe. Food can make you feel safe.

When your body feels like it’s on overload, food can make you physically feel better.

Food can be all of those things. But it doesn’t have to be.

There are other ways to support and comfort yourself during these unprecedented times.

Now is the time for more self compassion and kindness toward yourself. Let yourself just be with all that you feel.