Would You Feel More Confident if You Lost Weight?

Let’s talk about the trap most people are in around how they feel about their bodies and their confidence. 

This is one of those questions that I’m not sure why I bother asking. I know the answer. It would be like asking; do you prefer the sunshine over cloudy days?, or do you like puppies?. 

Yes. Sure. Definitely. Of course. 

Despite how prevalent this belief is, the typical approach to weight loss is NOT making people more confident. Just the opposite. 

Let’s consider Jane, an amalgamation of the majority of my clients. Jane has been dieting since she was 14. She’s been successful at losing weight temporarily, but inevitably the weight she lost just comes back and then some. She’s tried everything; Weight Watchers, Noom, intermittent fasting and juice cleanses. 

Jane often fantasizes about the days when she felt like she was on top of the world because she fit into smaller jeans. She shares with me how hopeless she feels and how disgusted she is with her body. Jane’s exhausted, but she just wants to feel better about herself. Even though she’s coming to the understanding that diets aren’t the solution, she can’t imagine feeling confident in her current body size.  

Diet companies relentlessly market their products and claim that they work. But what they fail to tell us is that even though diets may help people lose weight in the short term, 90% of diets result in weight gain in the long term. This convinces people that they haven’t found the right diet yet and they should keep looking. Diet companies also depict active and happy people after they’ve lost weight, reaffirming the belief that our confidence does come packaged in a smaller body. 

Most people first go on a diet because they’ve been told their (larger) body is wrong or bad. When Jane was 14, losing weight meant that she could look like her friends and feel accepted. Her parents praised her when she was thin. But now, Jane doesn’t know what it’s like to NOT diet. She’s always held the belief that her body is wrong. 

How do we build confidence in ourselves when we believe our body is too big, wrong, fat or bad and needs to be fixed? 

While Jane diets, she often ignores or neglects the signals her body shares with her. She’ll not eat when she’s uncomfortably hungry. She’ll choose to eat the ‘right’ foods even though they don’t leave her feeling satisfied. She often ignores her body’s exhaustion and will try to power through her work day with coffee and energy snacks. When she does eat foods she’s not supposed to eat, she feels so guilty and ashamed. 

Dieting disconnects people from their bodies. Worse yet, when people aren’t following their food plan, they feel like a failure. 

The strategy most people are using to feel better about themselves is in fact, the problem. Pursuing weight loss erodes people’s confidence. 

True confidence is something we feel in our bodies. 

How can we feel more confident if we are disconnected from this feeling? 

The truth is that no matter what, your body isn’t broken and doesn’t need fixing. This may take lot’s of unlearning. Body satisfaction can take time. Instead of dieting, choose to respect and care for your body.

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If you’d like coaching around body satisfaction and feeling comfortable in your own skin, schedule a clarity call with me.

Do You Worry That You’ll Be “Letting Yourself Go” if You’re Not Dieting?

A common fear that arises when people stop dieting and therefore stop trying to change their body is that they will "let themselves go". 

I'm sure you can picture what "letting yourself go" means. 

You'll only want to eat "junk" food. And you'll be eating large amounts of it. 

You will gain weight and won't fit into the clothes in your closet. 

You won't be active or work out. 

You may also worry what other people will think of you when you're not dieting. 

What will they say when you swap out a salad for a sandwich? 

Or if instead of buying low sugar or low calorie foods, you start enjoying the foods you love because they taste better to you. 

Will they think you don't care about your health? Will they express their concern to you? 

Diet culture is pretty masterful at convincing us that if we are not with them, we are against them. 

Which means if we aren't dieting, we must be not caring about our health or bodies. 

Of course this isn't true. If you've been dieting for a long time, you're familiar with two gears; on a diet and off a diet. 

Diet culture tells us that "off a diet" is letting yourself go. 

It's important to remember that if you weren't dieting in the first place, there would be no reason to go off a diet. Being "off a diet" is only the reaction you have (and often the healthiest reaction) to food restriction. 

When you're not restricting food, you get to tune into your body without food rules. 

The truth is that when you stop dieting you're claiming a third gear; nourishing your body and exploring what it feels like to feel satisfied around food. 

This is the opposite of letting yourself go. This is caring for yourself and your body deeply. This is self-care at its finest. 

What It’s Like to Work With Me? A Client Interview with Michelle

Hiring a coach is a big commitment. I wanted to offer you some input from my clients so you can hear from them what it’s like to work with me.

I interviewed Michelle, a client that I’m working with around intuitive eating and body image, and asked her a few questions. With her permission, I transcribed our conversation and I’m sharing it here.

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Tara: 

Why did you want to work with me?

Michelle:   

I saw your posts on Instagram and I just immediately connected to the struggle and the positive messages that I saw. And then I started listening to your podcast. And I loved it. I called (and we talked). It was exactly the kind of help I was looking for. I just deeply connected with your message.

Tara:  

What were some of your biggest concerns about working with me before we started?

Michelle:

I was so fried and burnt out over all the dieting experiences that I said “it's not a diet, it's a food plan” conversation. I hoped that there was a solution in this that didn't involve language that really was a diet but doesn't use the word diet. And I have never, ever heard about intuitive eating.

All of your information was not part of something I've ever run into. So my reservation, my hesitation was, I hope this isn't another one of those, you know? And it wasn't. It's exactly what I was looking for. Exactly.

I very much like the integration of the energy work that we do, along with the (coaching) conversations because I craved exactly what we're doing for a long time. I just didn't know how to find that person.

Tara:  

Yeah, it seems like what we're doing here just fits so beautifully for you. I love that.

What has been your favorite part of doing this work?

Michelle:

I really needed to heal over trauma. I knew that I needed to work on it. But I don't think I understood the connection between food, my behaviors, my thinking, and my experiences with trauma and, and I saw it as two different things that needed to be worked on. 

My favorite thing is that I'm getting at layers that I couldn't access. I just could never access it before working with you. I knew then they were there. I knew that they hurt. And honestly, I think that your advice, your thoughts, where you lead me is just brilliant. I had no idea about these connections. You're just helping me to link all of this. You know, just to peel it back and work on it. 

As hard as it is to work on this kind of stuff, I’m always (I know, it sounds crazy) looking forward to meeting with you. Because I feel like there's answers. It's not just visiting these triggers or visiting these moments. There's answers. So (our work together) doesn't leave me feeling like I'm hanging out there with this (hard stuff).

Tara: 

What has been the biggest transformation that you've gotten so far?

Michelle: 

The biggest transformation is around my body image. When I get dressed, I think about being comfortable and feeling confident. I don't want to say I've let go of all of my obsessive negative thinking about myself and my body image. I have moments where it comes back and it comes hard. But I've opened up a lot more, and I'm a lot more kind to myself. I'm not swinging between the extremes. I'm just more in the middle (and feel more neutral about my body). 

I'm not focused on a number and forcing that number to fit anymore. I'm not focusing on that. I'm focusing on comfort. I've actually started having thoughts like, “If this is not comfortable, you should get a pair of pants that are comfortable.” I’m not really even thinking about the numbers, which is a huge change for me. Huge.

Tara:  

Thanks for sharing that. That's awesome. What surprised you the most about working with me?

Michelle:  

Well, other than the fact that I couldn't actually believe that I connected with you. And not just to people that work for you. Once I got over that, I think that I'm actually really surprised at how related past trauma is to my food behaviors. I think that was like one of the biggest aha moments.   

It's amazing what it's been like to find (you) the right person at the right time. I really get a lot out of our session. I'm telling you a lot during our time together. And I use it (your tools and strategies). They are  incredibly helpful to me. I can't believe how much I've grown in such a short time. 

I've learned how to just notice more. And not be as checked out. 

Tara:

That's awesome to hear.  And you've done the hard work.  Who would you recommend me to?

Michelle:  

I think anyone who's sick and tired of running on this little hamster wheel, trying to fix things and going back and forth and yo-yoing up and down (with dieting). Those struggling with understanding their thinking about food and where it's coming from. I think people who really want to change and feel ready for change. That's the perfect person. 

I think you could help like anybody, because I hear people talking who don't necessarily have food issues, but talk diet speak all the time. I feel like everybody could really benefit from undoing some of their beliefs and learn what I have from you. 

Tara: 

Thank you so much.  It’s really nice to hear all of those things and hear that you are noticing the impact our work together is having on you. 

Michelle: 

The freedom I've gotten from talking and making connections (around food and body image) and the effect that it has on me as I move forward has been so powerful. I'm incredibly grateful to you.

Tara:  

I'm grateful to work with you too!  It's really been a pleasure.

If You’re Dieting and Trying To Lose Weight, You’re Wasting Precious Time and Energy

And your sanity. 

You're counting calories or macros. You're trying to eliminate a certain food group for weight loss. You're trying to follow a set of diet rules and ignore your hunger. You're using exercise to burn calories. 

Here's what you’re wasting time doing: 

1. worrying about what you eat. 

2. trying to avoid certain foods or food groups. 

4. finding the next diet you hope will finally work. 

5. counting and logging.

6. planning your meals and snacks so you can stay on track.

7. spending way more time than enjoyable working out.

8. stepping on the scale.

9. doing what it takes to avoid hunger (chewing gum, drinking tons of water, eating air food like low calorie popcorn).

10. Holding onto clothing that doesn’t fit for motivation.

You’re likely: 

• feeling like a failure

• wondering what wrong with you

• frustrated and exhausted

• ashamed of your body

• wondering if you're addicted to carbs and sugar
  

Remember; dieting and intentional weight loss only leads to long term weight gain. The question you can ask yourself before you diet is; how much time do want to waste and how much weight do you want to gain

Is this getting you the results you’re looking for? Are you feeling healthier? 

I have a ton of compassion if you are in this place. I've been there. I know you believe you're doing the right thing. I know diet culture has told you the weight solution is out there if you just wanted it enough (and worked hard enough at it). 

We can only focus our attention on one thing at a time. When you're focused on these things, you miss the opportunity to engage in what's in front of you. 

Your time is very precious. No one’s future is not guaranteed. Hug your loved ones. The greatest gift you can offer the world is your full engaged presence. 

What It’s Like To Work With Me: a client interview with Nicole

Hiring a coach is a big commitment. I wanted to offer you some input from my clients so you can hear from them what it’s like to work with me.

I interviewed Nicole, a client that I’m working with around intuitive eating and body image, and asked her a few questions. With her permission, I transcribed our conversation and I’m sharing it here.

TW: What made you want to work with me?

Nicole: You seemed really kind. This is hard stuff. Also, in all transparency, I was like, is she going to be too touchy feely? Is she going to be telling me to drink certain herbal teas and that'll save my life? I was a little nervous about that. I predict in a year, or even less, intuitive eating is gonna hit, it's gonna hit a  tipping point. And you're going to be like this front end person. You might not feel like you're the front end person, but you really, really are. So I think that's gonna happen. And we're gonna be like, oh, yeah, we knew that.

TW: What were some worries or concerns that you had with working with me before we started?

Nicole: I was worried, as I've done many different diets. I didn't think it was going to be a diet, but I didn't really know what it was going to be. And that's been a fun thing to expand, that has expanded over time. So I didn't know what it was going to be. And how much was going to be expected of me. 

I find that there's a lot expected of me, but it's done gently. And it's done at my pace. It's not every week coming here going, and saying, “I didn't do what I said I was gonna do, I failed”.  But it's not judgmental. It's just like, let's talk about that. It would be really hard for me if you were full of what I should do.  

You're very good at saying “you might want to”, or “here's something that you might want to try”. That's so different from “here is what you should really do”. It allows me to make the choice. You have great things to offer and I can pick the things I like that work for me. 

TW: What’s your favorite part of this work?

Nicole: I enjoy thinking about the wins. And often I find I didn't think I had any wins and then I did. Sometimes I think, oh, I don't have any wins and within five minutes of talking to you, I'm always like, like, yes I did. It's a very empowering feeling. It’s stretching a muscle. The more I do that, the better I get at that.

TW: What’s the biggest transformation you've had with working together?

Nicole: I definitely eat more real food. And recognizing that I actually like a lot of foods. I didn't realize that I did. I eat a lot of different foods now. 

I would say feeling successful, even though I still have so far to go and many things to do. That is such a nice feeling. It's what keeps me coming back. It's not Pollyanna-ish. It's not a job. It's like, I believe it when I come here and talk to you and I have a good thing happen, or I don't, it's real. 

TW: Is there anything surprising about working with me?

Nicole: The thing that surprises me is that I am still this engaged and interested and motivated.  And probably even more as time goes by. And I think that comes with building a trusting relationship, too.  Just feeling like, wow, this is really valuable. I can’t wait to talk about what was good this week, there are things that are positive. And then the next week that builds on that. But even on a bad week, I take something away. And that's a gift.

TW: Is there anyone that you would recommend me to?

Nicole:  This is very feministic work. Not that you wouldn't work with guys. But for me, it feels very much in that vein, and there's something there that other feminists would speak to them.

5 Reasons You're Always Thinking About Food

When I ask clients how often they think about food,  they answer “all the time”. 

I know how exhausting that is. Years ago, my first thought in the morning was “how can i be good (with food) today?”. I’d design my whole day around the goal of eating the right foods and avoiding the wrong ones. I put so much effort into doing everything I could to not eat too much. 

Inevitably, when I put my head on the pillow at night, I’d think, “how can tomorrow be different?”. 

I’d wake up the next morning with the same goals, the same thoughts and the same food obsessions. 

If you can relate, you likely believe that thinking about food all of the time is a sacrifice you need to make. This is the mentality we all have when we’re working toward our goals. When you wanted to do well on an exam, you knew you needed to study. When you signed up for that road race, you knew you needed to train for weeks and months before. To get certain results, you need to put the effort in. 

As you consider the time you’re spending thinking about food, are you getting the results you’ve been hoping for? 

In my experience and those of my clients, obsessing about food just left us feeling like a failure. And feeling like we’re on a gerbil wheel that we can never get off of. 

This is why I want to share with you a few reasons why you’ve been obsessing about food so you can understand what is really happening. 

1. You're not eating enough. 

One of the ways our bodies are brilliant at sharing hunger signals with us is to partner with our brains. Some early signals can be when we start to think about food, ideas like… “do i still have leftovers from last night?” “Do we have eggs in the fridge?” When you're not eating enough, your brain is going to let you know that you need more food. This is your body’s way of ensuring you’re getting enough calories to be well nourished and in balance. 

When you’re not eating enough during the day, it’s common to overeat in the afternoon and evening. This is your body’s way of catching up to get enough nourishment during the day.

2. You’re trying to avoid certain foods. 

What happens when you tell someone they can’t have something? They want it even more. This is the natural human response when our brain is triggered by scarcity. If you’ve been trying to avoid sugar or carbs, for example, you’re essentially activating the part of your brain to desire those foods and seek them out. Which in turn means you’re spending even more time thinking about that food. 

3. You're feeling guilty about what and how much you're eating. 

Guilt has a way of staying with you long after you’ve eaten the “wrong” food. You may notice thoughts like “why did I eat that?”, “I shouldn’t have done that, I know better”. Guilt is uncomfortable and takes a lot of headspace. 

You may even notice that when you feel guilty about what you’ve eaten, you then spend even more time thinking about how you can “fix” the mistake you made with your food choice. The guilt just fuels the cycle of restriction and preoccupation with food.  

4. You keep trying to find the right diet. 

Diet culture tells us there is a weight loss solution if  we work it hard enough. So, it’s not surprising that 

you believe the right diet is out there and you just haven’t found it. 

It’s like you have an antennae up, ears piqued, eyes searching for that one “thing” that could finally work for you when it comes to weight loss. You may be spending time scrolling your social feed, browsing magazines in the grocery store line, or asking those folks who share their weight loss publicly- “what did you do?”. 

5. You believe you need to lose weight. 

It’s not your fault you believe this. Diet culture glorifies thin bodies and tells us that only thin bodies are attractive. 

When you’re judging your body, you find a lot of ways to criticize it. If your clothes aren’t fitting, this discomfort may take your attention like a pebble in your shoe would. You may be comparing your body to other people’s bodies. You may be so fearful of other people judging your body that you put a lot of time and energy trying to hide your body. 

These are a few reasons food is always on your mind. Now that you know, you have options. Dieting and food restriction will not lead you to feeling peaceful. It’s not worth the sacrifice of your precious headspace. 

Why Diets Take Women’s Power Away... On Purpose

It doesn’t take an in depth history lesson to know that power has been intentionally withheld from women. Look at voting rights, property ownership and wage disparities, among just a few things. 

When it comes to the power that everyone can have within themselves, power is the ability to have autonomy over your own body and choices.

Attention has always been placed on women’s beauty and in the late 20th century, the thin body ideal was formed as a way of valuing thin women as feminine and attractive. Over time, the value system shifted to include health and success as other attributes to thinness.  

We’ve been sold and told that for a woman to be successful, attractive, and healthy, they need to be thin. 

Most women don’t even question this belief because it’s woven into the fabric of our culture. When a belief is formed and reinforced over and over, it’s very difficult to consider a different way of thinking. 

Diet culture is the force that reinforces this belief and then offers people a solution; diets. Diet culture is what fuels the $70 billion dollar weight loss industry that keeps growing and expanding. 

Diet culture convinces people that dieting and food restriction is an effective way to lose weight and be healthy. 

When in fact, dieting and food restriction has been well researched and regarded as being only effective at long term weight gain. 

But I think you know this. If diets were really effective, wouldn’t you have lost weight on the first one you went on, kept it off and never needed another one? 

And here is where the deception comes in. When folks diet, they… 

• Feel like a failure and blame themselves. 

• Spend countless hours a day obsessing about food and their body weight. 

• Change social plans if they’ve eaten the wrong thing or don’t feel good about their body. 

• Feel body shame and want to hide. 

• Are exhausted and depleted. 

• Become disconnected from their body which often leaves them feeling numb. 

• Lose trust in themselves and look for external validation (like the number on the scale) to feel good about themselves. 

If your body doesn’t conform to the thin body ideal, you’ve been told your body isn’t good enough. It’s not feminine, attractive or healthy. 

The social structure then tells you how to fix your body with diets, clean eating, restriction of food groups and trying to control what you eat. 

If you’ve been dieting to have a better body, you’ve been doing everything that our culture tells you to do. 

But our culture, diet culture and the system that takes away power from women (the patriarchy), has been giving you a solution that’s only harming you. And it’s done on purpose. 

When you’re exhausted, obsessing about food, and feeling like shit because you just stepped on the scale, are you able to… 

• feel happy, 

• engage fully in your life, 

• pursue your passions and dreams, 

• and trust in yourself and your own abilities? 

Of course not. And this is why dieting is a money making tool that takes away women’s choice and power. 

Second Guessing Food Choices is Fuckin' Exhausting

You're out to dinner.

Before you even pick up the menu, you think- what's the healthiest thing I can order?

You look at the salad section. Healthy choices there! Cobb salad or Chicken Casaer? Ugg. Is cheese okay? Is bacon okay? How about croutons?

Actually. You don't even want a salad. You had a salad for lunch. Plus, it's freakin' cold out. The last thing you want to eat is something cold.

You ask your friends. What are they ordering? You don't want to be the only one at the table that doesn't order a salad.

You start to look at the sandwiches. This restaurant has the BEST sweet potato fries. But, what's up with all of those calories? Does a grilled chicken sandwich really have that many calories? Uggh.

You look around the restaurant to see what other people have ordered.

Steak? No. Salmon? Oh. That could work. But they are serving it with potatoes. Too many carbs.

How about a soup? Shoot. They only have French Onion. Ugg. Sounds good but way too heavy. Not healthy.

While the rest of your friends are chatting and catching up on life, you're going through the mental gymnastics of ordering your dinner. You're missing out. And it's straight out exhausting.

What's going on?

Two things.

1. You're trying to follow food rules to be good.

2. You are missing the internal cues that offer you guidance on what would taste good, feel great in your body and what you'd enjoy eating.

When following external (diet or health) rules, all of your decisions making is outside of you. That's why you second guess yourself. You're not confident. This is really exhausting.

You left the restaurant overfilled but still feeling empty.

When you tune in to the information that comes from the inside (hunger, fullness, satisfaction, preference), you can make food choices with ease.

You'll be free to enjoy dinner out with friends.

Client Case Study - Julie: Trusting the Process To Feel Balanced Around Food and Love Her Body

A mutual friend shared one of my short courses on social media. Julie (not her real name) signed up right away. After the course, Julie and I worked together in my 3 month One-to-One Coaching program.  After a year, I interviewed her for this client case study.

Julie was struggling with food. She was restricting and overeating and knew it was taking too much of her time and energy. She also didn’t like her body, which really bothered her. She wanted to accept her body, but she didn’t want to gain weight. 

Allowing All Foods

When Julie started to give herself permission to eat what she previously labeled “forbidden” foods, it was really scary.  She had to keep letting go of this fear, so she could eventually trust her instincts. 

She learned to recognize that scared voice that said “you can’t have that” and knew this voice couldn’t be trusted. This took time. 

She called 2020 the year of ice cream. She allowed herself ice cream when she wanted it. She kept allowing herself guilt-free ice cream and enjoyed each bite. 

This process of habituation is an important one and is unique for each person. While allowing yourself foods that you had previously forbidden, those foods eventually lose their novelty. Instead of eating them with guilt, shame, or because you want to treat yourself, these foods become emotionally neutral and you feel indifferent to them. 

Eventually, something changed. Ice cream stopped having power over her.

Julie is now free to have all foods that she likes to have in her home without worrying that she’ll overindulge. She also knows that if she wants to, she can overindulge, and that’s okay. 

Exploring How To Value Herself

Julie and I explored some deeper themes around how she valued herself. She became aware of the beliefs and patterns that made her feel bad about herself and she saw the role that food played. 

She could see that when she didn’t feel good enough, she could identify the external expectations and outside influences that drove her to diet, to begin with.

As she gained awareness that it wasn’t her, it was outside of her, she could take her own power back and value herself on her own terms. 

Specifically, the impact of this transformation came through in her relationship with her body and her dating life. 

Letting Go of the (Unrealistic) Thin Ideal

Julie started to change the dialogue she had in her head about her body. She shared with me how she talks to her body now, which sounds like a beautiful companionship. 

She shared: 

“Maybe this is just who I’m meant to be. If I just accept that my body is what it is, and I’m eating healthy and feeling good, then I don’t have to change it. I may never be that skinny version of me, but my body is changing and it’s still amazing.” 

I’m Happy On My Own

Julie realized that if people were judging her for how she looked, she didn’t want them in her life. She was able to come to a genuine place of liking herself, including being okay with being on her own. She realized that companionship for the sake of being with someone wasn’t going to help her like herself. 

Julie has dropped an old narrative that she’s frumpy and middle-aged and embodies her own vitality and zest for life.

She now knows how to move forward, adjust her direction as needed and be flexible when life throws her unexpected curve balls. 

If I gain weight, I gain weight

Initially, Julie gained weight. And as hard as it was, she was okay with that. She was working through bigger things. 

She shared “If this brings me back to a place of balance, I’m going to trust the process. And it did.” Eventually, the weight that came on, came off.

A few other things that helped Julie was: 

• Reading my book Hungry: Trust Your Body and Free Your Mind around Food. This gave her compassion for her own journey and an appreciation for how long the journey may take. 

• Recognizing that her voice in her head doesn’t matter and that she can let her thoughts go. 

• Getting an understanding of what she was really fearful of and what to do with those fears.

Food Freedom and Body Appreciation

“I opened a sleeve of girl scout cookies, ate a couple, came back because I wanted a couple more. Then, I was satisfied. 

A year or so ago, I wouldn’t have done that. I didn’t eat the whole sleeve.”

“I’m in a really good place. It’s taken time. I had to let things go and trust in a process that seems scary. Our sessions allowed me to dig and explore what I may not have on my own. You gave me the tools to continue to do the work that I needed to do in my own time.

Thank you for the work we did together- it was a wonderful experience for me and I would recommend it to anyone.”

As she continues to appreciate her body and her relationship with food doesn’t have power over her, her body weight has adjusted. (Weight loss was not a focus of the work Julie and I did together).  

I’m personally inspired by Julie’s undeniable respect and admiration she has for her own body. She recently had surgery that has left scars on her lower belly.  

She told me, “My body is beautiful. I think my scars are gorgeous.”