Sara dreads the days when she has to leave her home office to see a client or meet her team in the office because she can’t just wear a blouse and comfy yoga pants. Days before, she plans what to wear but can’t find something she feels that great in. This is when her negative self-talk about her body starts to get really loud. “I can’t believe I’ve let myself get here. I wish I could lose some weight.”
When she settles on a pair of dress pants, she feels self conscious because they feel so snug around her waist. All day, she makes sure she’s covered up with a blazer. She doesn’t want others to notice how snug her clothes are and judge her for it.
These thoughts occupy her mind most of the day. Sure, Sara has a busy day with some month-end deadlines. But every time she catches herself in the mirror or walks into a meeting, her negative self-talk starts up again. And it’s pretty cruel.
When clients like Sara share with me what it’s like to hate their body, the things they say to themselves are really hard for me to hear. “I’m disgusting.” “What’s wrong with me?” Ironically, it’s not hard for my client to speak to herself so harshly. She’s used to talking to herself like this. For clients like Sara, this is a familiar voice.
Many women don’t think this voice is a problem. Yet, their mind is preoccupied with these conversations most of the day. Especially on the days when they are outside of the comforts of their home, in groups of people, when they’re speaking publicly or they’re traveling. This internal voice gets louder when they feel exposed.
Which is why many women who hate their body avoid situations like these and forgo opportunities to be more visible. It’s important to let this sink in. Many women are working hard for their next promotion, but if they’re constantly berating themselves about their body, it’s unlikely they will “put themselves out there”.
The irony is that some believe they need this voice to motivate them. They believe that if they let themselves be okay with their body as it is, then they won’t be inspired to get to the gym or eat healthy foods. Some people don’t hear how mean this voice really is. They agree with the voice that tells them their body is bad or disgusting. Telling yourself over and over that your body is disgusting hurts. But believing you deserve to berate yourself hurts more.
We don’t call out that this dynamic is costly. But we need to. Sara wasted so much time and energy speaking so negatively about herself. She can never get that time and energy back. It’s gone forever.
When judging herself so harshly, she also believes others are judging her too. Therefore, Sara hides herself. She covers herself up with oversized clothes. She avoids being in situations that leave her feeling exposed. Deep down, Sara doesn’t feel good enough to be seen just as she is.
The professional cost comes down to Sara’s willingness to be professionally visible. She misses opportunities to build face-to-face relationships, speak publicly, and advocate herself to be placed on high-profile projects.
It’s hard to come to terms with the impact of hating your body. Especially if you can’t remember a time in your life when you were happy with your body. It’s important for you to know that you can have a different relationship with your body; one that feels more peaceful and nourishing, one that’s not so harsh, one that doesn’t make you feel so exposed. Assess the cost and you’ll be one step closer to changing how you talk to yourself about your body.