Are you hoping that raise or promotion will finally make you feel successful?
Are you hoping that when you hit that revenue target that you'll know your organization has finally "made it"?
Are you hoping that when you've lost that 20 lbs, you'll finally feel confident?
Many people have this "one" thing and believe that when they reach it, everything will change. Life will be magically transformed and all problems will go away.
More often than not, goals get reached and the person doesn't feel what they were hoping for.
They got the promotion or raise, but instead of celebrating, they said to themselves "what's next?".
They lost the weight and felt stressed, worried and unhappy.
This is because what we are focused isn't what we really desire. And external achievements or circumstances often don't impact our vital needs.
If you're looking for more confidence, success, safety and happiness, that doesn't come from what's happening around you. You need to generate yourself.
Would You Feel More Confident if You Lost Weight?
Let’s talk about the trap most people are in around how they feel about their bodies and their confidence.
This is one of those questions that I’m not sure why I bother asking. I know the answer. It would be like asking; do you prefer the sunshine over cloudy days?, or do you like puppies?.
Yes. Sure. Definitely. Of course.
Despite how prevalent this belief is, the typical approach to weight loss is NOT making people more confident. Just the opposite.
Let’s consider Jane, an amalgamation of the majority of my clients. Jane has been dieting since she was 14. She’s been successful at losing weight temporarily, but inevitably the weight she lost just comes back and then some. She’s tried everything; Weight Watchers, Noom, intermittent fasting and juice cleanses.
Jane often fantasizes about the days when she felt like she was on top of the world because she fit into smaller jeans. She shares with me how hopeless she feels and how disgusted she is with her body. Jane’s exhausted, but she just wants to feel better about herself. Even though she’s coming to the understanding that diets aren’t the solution, she can’t imagine feeling confident in her current body size.
Diet companies relentlessly market their products and claim that they work. But what they fail to tell us is that even though diets may help people lose weight in the short term, 90% of diets result in weight gain in the long term. This convinces people that they haven’t found the right diet yet and they should keep looking. Diet companies also depict active and happy people after they’ve lost weight, reaffirming the belief that our confidence does come packaged in a smaller body.
Most people first go on a diet because they’ve been told their (larger) body is wrong or bad. When Jane was 14, losing weight meant that she could look like her friends and feel accepted. Her parents praised her when she was thin. But now, Jane doesn’t know what it’s like to NOT diet. She’s always held the belief that her body is wrong.
How do we build confidence in ourselves when we believe our body is too big, wrong, fat or bad and needs to be fixed?
While Jane diets, she often ignores or neglects the signals her body shares with her. She’ll not eat when she’s uncomfortably hungry. She’ll choose to eat the ‘right’ foods even though they don’t leave her feeling satisfied. She often ignores her body’s exhaustion and will try to power through her work day with coffee and energy snacks. When she does eat foods she’s not supposed to eat, she feels so guilty and ashamed.
Dieting disconnects people from their bodies. Worse yet, when people aren’t following their food plan, they feel like a failure.
The strategy most people are using to feel better about themselves is in fact, the problem. Pursuing weight loss erodes people’s confidence.
True confidence is something we feel in our bodies.
How can we feel more confident if we are disconnected from this feeling?
The truth is that no matter what, your body isn’t broken and doesn’t need fixing. This may take lot’s of unlearning. Body satisfaction can take time. Instead of dieting, choose to respect and care for your body.
If you’d like coaching around body satisfaction and feeling comfortable in your own skin, schedule a clarity call with me.
Is Your Negative Body Image Impacting Your Career?
I never would have linked these two things together; how I felt about my body and how successful I could be in business. After all, we’ve been taught how to succeed in business; work hard, get the right education, connect with a mentor and take well-calculated risks.
But now, as I reflect on the twists and turns in my career, I can see how the shifts I made in my relationship with food and my body went step by step with the changes I made professionally. I started my career in public accounting and thirty years later, I’m a published author who coaches female leaders to stop dieting and gain confidence in their bodies.
Let me share my brief career timeline. But I want you to know that I started dieting and eating emotionally when I was 12. So, even though I'm sharing with you some more recent diet history, I was experiencing disordered eating and body dysmorphia at a young and tender age.
2000. Started practicing yoga. Working in corporate accounting.
2001. Joined Weight Watchers after the birth of my son.
2007. Began training to be a yoga teacher.
2008. Left corporate accounting. Later that year, I founded my accounting consulting firm.
2009. Started practicing intuitive eating on my own.
2011. Opened my yoga studio.
2015. Became a Certified Intuitive Eating Counselor. Started coaching part-time.
* This was the year I was actively running three businesses.
2016. Closed yoga studio.
2018. Dissolved accounting consulting firm.
2019. Transitioned into coaching full-time. Published my first book.
My yoga and intuitive eating practice taught me how to live inside of my body. Before then, I didn’t know that was a thing. I was dieting, doing my best to lose weight, and was disconnected from my body. I couldn’t live inside of my body because I was too busy judging it.
I could have stayed in my accounting career. But as much as I enjoyed the work, I couldn’t help noticing how draining and empty it left me. The more I listened to my body, I couldn’t ignore these signals.
Before these practices, life around food and my body were hard. I was:
Needing to be perfect to feel good enough.
Believing that I needed a thin body to be successful.
Validating myself based on what others thought of me and my performance.
Exhausted and frustrated.
Feeling unfulfilled.
As my body image changed, I became more willing to create and run businesses that were closer to my heart and allowed me to share myself with more passion and confidence. Here are some concrete things that allowed me to change the trajectory of my career:
I had more time and energy to focus on my business because I was no longer preoccupied, worried, or obsessing over food.
I felt more confidence and trust in myself because I was no longer dieting and failing at dieting.
I saw my body as a source of wisdom and started to care for it deeply. This means I started to slow down instead of being hooked on the busyness that left me feeling exhausted.
I know what alignment feels like and what out of alignment feels like. I can distinguish between the two because I practice being present and grounded in my body.
I have a vision of female leaders that have reclaimed their time, energy, and inner wisdom to focus on what matters most to them. They’ve taken it back from dieting, emotional eating, and their negative body image.
They’ve done this because they’ve changed their body image. For women to truly thrive and feel fulfilled in their careers, they need to have a connection to their bodies.
This is why I’ve created a quiz, Is your body image holding you back professionally?
This quiz will likely take you less than 5 minutes. You'll find out if your body image is holding you back, weighing you down or if you feel pretty free around your body.
Do You Trust Your Body?
10 questions to ask yourself.
It makes sense that we don’t. We’ve been told and conditioned to prioritize external knowledge over internal wisdom. Trusting our body is rarely celebrated or modeled for us.
But, with practice, it’s absolutely possible (and life changing!).
When confronted with a challenge or problem, do you say “let me think about it” or do you say “let me be with this” ?
Do you prioritize stillness and space?
Do you know how to experience pleasure, joy and peace in your life?
Are you often creating and exploring new solutions and ways of doing things, or do you prefer to follow a formula?
When things don’t go your way, do you immediately assume you’ve done something wrong?
How much time are you on Google reading and seeking information and solutions?
Do you often sign up for courses and training with the hopes that knowing more will give you more confidence?
Do you honor your hunger and eat when you need nourishment?
When you are tired, do you rest?
How would you describe your relationship with your body? A trust advisor? Beloved? An enemy? A stranger?
I’d love to hear from you. Do you do things that create more trust in yourself and your body?