When Someone Comments on Your Weight

When I was in college, I was training to "walked on" to our cross country team. I don't have a typical runners body, but I loved running and wanted to challenge myself. Before the season, I went to my cousins wedding and sat with a family friend. I shared my training with him and my plan to join the team. In front of the whole table, he said "if you're going to do that, you better lose some weight." 

After the initial "fuck you" that I screamed in my head, I felt the sting of embarrassment and shock. I had no words that I could say politely out loud.

But the sucky part was that his comment only confirmed for me my biggest fear at the time. Big girls don't run cross country. I knew I needed to be smaller and leaner. Little did this man know, I was doing my best to eat as little as possible. 

Uggh. If you've had this experience, and I'm suspecting you have, I'm so freakin' sorry. I wish we didn't live in a culture of dieting where it's acceptable (and sometimes encouraged) for people to comment on other's bodies. 

Sadly, it's very common for us to receive comments about our bodies from friends and loved ones. This family friend must have thought he was doing me a favor by telling me I needed to lose weight. Or he was just trying to be mean. Or he was fuckin' oblivious. Or all of the above. 

It doesn't matter what the intentions are of the people delivering comments to us, it's important to remember that your body is none of their business. I know that doesn't keep them from hurling comments your way. But it can help you establish a clear boundary with people. 

One of my responses to this family friend could have been to tell him that I was dieting. This is a common way people respond. It's like "Don't worry. I know. I've got this handled.".  But you don't need to explain how you care for your body to other people. Your body is none of their business. 

You may want to joke or even make fun of yourself. If you received comments on your body, you may have automatically laughed. Laughing is a natural way to discharge discomfort. No need to get down on yourself about that. You're just caring for yourself. 

And, their comments may have surprised the shit out of you. It may have come out of nowhere and really shocked and stunned you. It's not always easy to be thinking on your feet like this. It's okay if you didn't have a response. You were attacked. Don't blame yourself for not having your own defense mechanism ready. 

But if you do want to have words with folks that comment on your body, here are some ideas: 

• No thank you. 

• Please don't comment on my body. 

• Your comments hurt me. Please stop. 

You can use these same words if people are commented on your loved one's bodies. I highly recommend that if you are an adult and someone is commenting on a child's body that you say something to that person. Let them know that they need to stop commenting immediately. No one deserves to be bullied for their body. No one. 

In the meantime, do your best to be compassionate to yourself. You deserve respect. If you don't receive it from others, you can still offer it to yourself. 

I’m Calling Bullshit On Body Image Struggles

“I'm feeling so uncomfortable in my clothes. Especially because I know those jeans used to fit me.” 

“I don't want friends (work colleagues, family I haven't seen in a while) to see me because of my weight.”

“I cringe when I see my reflection in the mirror.” 

“I hate how bloated and achy my belly feels.”

When I hear things like this from my clients, they’ll also tell me that they don’t talk “about this stuff” with anyone else. 

I know that 95% of women are dissatisfied with their bodies, so there is a very good chance you’re also pretty critical of your body. 

But, does it feel as jagged and sharp to you as it does to me? 

When I used to call myself disgusting or fat, those words were so familiar to me. I didn’t feel the pain I was causing myself. It didn’t feel harsh, it was just there. 

And I’m suspecting you don’t feel the sharpness of your words. You’ve numbed yourself to how painful it is to live with your body. And I get it. This is how we’ve had to cope. Numbing isn’t a defect, it’s a strategy.  There may be a part of you that thinks you deserve all of that harmful talk. Or, you may be hoping that if you say horrible things about your body that it will finally motivate you to make a change. 

But it’s time to call bullshit on this entire dynamic. 

Even though we live in a world that tells us our bodies aren’t good enough, it doesn’t mean it’s true. Cultural beliefs are often wrong. Remember when we thought the world was flat? When smoking was cool?  Your body is worthy of respect and care no matter it’s shape, size, gender identity, sexual preference, ability, age or color. 

And, if talking shit about your body was going to motivate you to eat "better" and exercise more, wouldn't that have happened in the past few months? In the past few years? In the past few decades? 

Shaming never ever inspires positive or loving change. Period. 

It's time to stop tolerating this pain. 

Why? 

Because it hurts and you don't deserve to be hurt. 

It's also holding you back from feeling free, peaceful and powerful. 

While you're feeling awful about your body, you're hiding the body you have. You may be hiding by wearing black or oversized clothes. Or, maybe you don't really care about how you dress at all and just wear "whatever". You are trying to fly under the radar so you don't get noticed or draw attention to yourself. 

You stay quiet and reserved. Speaking up means people will hear you. Showing up means people will see you. When you're in the spotlight, the risk of judgment rises. When you're judging yourself, you’re likely assuming everyone else is judging you too. 

And sadly, you may not be wrong. But, you also may not be right. I know. This is a risk you're unwilling to take. 

I know you don’t want to feel the way you do about your body. That’s why so many people diet and try to lose weight. They hope that if their body changes, how they feel about their body will change too. 

I’m calling bullshit on this too. 

If you’re anything like how I was in the past, you’ve been tireless in your pursuit of a better body. And even if it hasn’t translated to all action, you’ve been dreaming and hoping that once your body changes, your life will too. That takes a lot of energy. 

It's no longer about waiting until your body changes until you feel better about yourself. It's about changing how you feel and living in your body so you feel better no matter what. 

You deserve to feel comfortable in your own skin without changing one single thing about your body. You deserve to feel peaceful in your body right now, at this moment. 

Fixing the outside doesn't heal the inside.  Fixing the outside only re-affirms the shame you feel and validates the belief that your body is wrong or broken. 

This is work I do. I guide women to no longer fight with the shame that lives within them, but heal it. I guide women to living inside of their bodies, safely. I guide women to tune in and listen to their inner wisdom. And to care for themselves. 

Here are some examples of how I do this… 

I “introduce” you to your body and its signals. So you can start to notice the subtle messages that will become clearer over time. 

I help you tune into that critical voice and not push it away. When you’re curious, you may discover the voice has a purpose. 

When you notice the outside cultural narratives you’ll see that how you feel about your body is not your  fault. And then you can take full responsibility for how you treat yourself and your body. 

You’ll notice all the ways you’ve been trying to fix your body and realize that’s not moving you to feeling peaceful about your body. 

You start actively caring for your body, every damn day. Not with the prescribed way for weight loss, but by tuning into what your body and spirit is really craving and asking for. 

Want to explore how I can guide you through a process like this one?  

Set up a clarity call with me. On this 45 minute call, we will get to know each other, discover if we are a good fit,  and I’ll share with you more details on how we can work together.

5 Reasons Community Is Critical To Your Intuitive Eating Journey

I'm gathering a small group of 10 or so women in a safe space for learning, sharing, and connecting along their intuitive eating and body neutrality journey called Community Circle.

I currently have space for 5 more women. If you're interested, please let me know by emailing me back. If there isn't room in this Community Circle session, I'll be sure to add your name to a waiting list for the next one. 

Community Circle begins on Monday, September 26th and runs for 12 weeks. See more details below. 

I've had a few requests for a group support program and I'm thrilled to be offering this! 

Clients on their journey to feel more peaceful around food and their bodies know how challenging it can be. There may be dozens of food rules to unlearn and new signals and sensations to tune into. Along the way, there can be lots of ups and downs and twists and turns. 

This is why it’s important to connect with other women who are on a similar journey. 

Here are 5 reasons. 

1. You won't feel so alone. 

When I was bingeing and overeating, I convinced myself I was the only person that was so out of control around food. Believing this only made me feel worse and made me want to hide. 

But when I started to hear other people's stories about food, I realized I wasn't a complete freak. I could entertain the idea that some of my overeating patterns may not be as bad as I made them out to be. 

This is the power of not feeling so alone and being part of a community. When you feel safe to share your stories and hear other's, what you once thought was a big deal may not feel so awful or heavy.

2. You may share experiences you've never shared before.  

Your relationship with food and your body has taken a lot of time and energy and you've given it a lot of thought. So many people have been bullied about their body size. They've had parents control what they eat or how often they exercise. They've comforted themselves with food when they didn't know how to console themselves. 

When you share what life has been like for you, you have an opportunity for others to witness you. In some situations, you may be negotiating with yourself by saying, “this wasn't that bad”, “this was just normal”, “this happened all the time and no one around me said it was unusual”. 

But it is and it was. And when you share it, you're giving yourself an opportunity to validate the impact it has had on you.

3. When you hear other people's stories, you feel connected to something bigger than yourself. 

Painful patterns with food and your body can make your world feel small. It's common to be completely absorbed in your own experience, while you work hard to try to fix it. 

Offering your attention and grace to someone who is also struggling gives you perspective and allows you to see how helpful you can be to others. You can start to appreciate your own value and contribution. 

4. It's comforting. 

There is no better way to describe being part of a community that has your back, welcomes you, lights up when they see your face and appreciates your voice. Considering how isolating your relationship with food has been, this can feel incredibly healing. 

5. When everyone around you is dieting, it's nice to practice a common sense approach with others. 

A lot of people who have been pursuing weight loss are running in circles with others that are doing the same thing. If this is you, it may be hard to stop dieting and watch and listen to people around you that still are dieting. 

When you can at least come together with a small group of women that are in the same boat you are, you can gain strength from them knowing that you are disconnecting from diet culture together. 

During this 12 week program, we will be meeting every other Wednesday at 5pm EST for a Connection Call. We will also be meeting every other Monday at 12pm EST for a 15 minute Check In. The cost is $450, made in 3 $150 monthly payments. Learn more here.

What’s Really Driving Your Food Struggles… Body Shame

When I was really struggling with food, I knew my struggles weren’t about food. I knew this deep inside of me, but I didn’t have words to describe it. 

And my inner knowing didn’t stop me from making it about food.  I would still try to cut back on sugar, or take gluten out of my diet (with no diagnosed gluten sensitivity), or stop eating certain kinds of foods like nightshades or yogurt or coffee. :(. 

I can see now that diet culture offers us so many solutions that are ALL about food. This is how weight loss companies and coaches make their money. 

But there is something that happens when we try to solve a challenge by just addressing the symptom. 

If you are like me, you know the symptom was feeling out of control around certain foods. Worrying that you’d overeat trigger foods. And even believing you have a food addiction. 

When you consider these symptoms, it’s easier to look at a food with sugar and believe that if you could get rid of sugar then all of your food struggles would go away. 

Trying to take sugar out of my diet only made me fight with sugar more. And therefore fight with myself. Making it about sugar only distracted me from what was really going on. But it also reaffirmed my problem as a real problem. Essentially, it kept the struggle in place. 

If you’ve been struggling with food and making it about food, it’s time for a step back. 

You can’t diet your way through your food struggles. 

You can’t restrict your way to feeling more in control around food. 

The part of me that made it about food was the part of me that wanted to keep my weight down. I was hoping that If I could eat the right foods, I wouldn’t gain weight. 

Which is why getting to the root of the struggle is so important. It’s not about food, it’s about body shame. 

We’ve been driven to dieting to fix our bodies. We’ve been told there is something wrong with our bodies and then we internalized body shame. No one has to tell you that your body is wrong or bad, that belief system lives inside of you. You tell yourself that all of the time. 

If you didn’t need to fix your body, you wouldn’t need to diet. If you didn’t need to diet, you wouldn’t need to struggle with food. 

Body shame is at the root of food struggles. 

I guide my clients to understand how their body image and patterns with food work together. If you’d like to explore more support around this, book a Clarity Call with me here. https://bookme.name/tarawhitney/lite/clarity-call

"Your Body is Working so Hard for You." My Story About Chronic Pain, Compulsive Exercise and Healing

One of my healers said this to me yesterday. I've been seeing her for hip pain that's been so severe I can no longer enjoy my morning walks, snowshoe, or walk up the stairs without struggle. 

Her words stunned me as if she put a medley of words together that I had never heard before.  My brain needed time to catch up. 

My hip pain on its best day has been an inconvenience. At its worse, a living nightmare. I've been pulling all the tools out of my toolbox and I've been finding new ones. Medical doctor and surgical consults, Reiki healing, acupuncture, physical therapy, essential oils, supplements, prayer, surrender, acceptance, journaling, crying, swimming, and pranayama. 

I recently had a loving mental shift and epiphany. My hip isn't a problem that needs fixing. I know whatever is here for me around my hip is for me, not something being done to me. 

I was surprised at how stunned I was. I’ve been appreciating the wisdom of my body for years now. 

I can recognize my hunger and know when I feel overwhelmed and anxious. 

I know when I need rest and downtime. New ideas come to me and I feel inspired. 

This all comes from the wisdom of my body. Not only do I know that.  I can FEEL and tangibly experience it. 

Yet, my healer's words invited me to go deeper. 

I've wished this pain away. I've seen it as an obstacle, getting in the way of how I want to live. I've judged it. I've judged myself for having it. I've worried about it. I've wondered if it will ever go away and if I need to live with it forever. 

Here is what my pain stood for:  

In the past, I controlled my weight with vigorous exercise. I went on long runs to burn extra calories. I spent hours in the gym trying to make my body leaner and fitter.  I was a proud and loud “sweat addict”. I have healed my relationship with exercise so movement is now fun and enjoyable to me. I no longer punish my body for overeating or need to earn a meal with exercise. But still, something lingered. 

• Who am I if I can’t exercise? 

• And, what will happen to me and my weight if I can’t work out, be active and get outside to play in nature? 

The truth of the matter is that not only have I been feeling the pain in my hip. I’ve been mourning the loss of my identity as an athlete, runner, yogi, hiker, snowshoer, snowboarder, and biker. And blaming my body for failing me. 

I’ve been able to partner with my body on some things, but now my personal narrative around what makes me a worthy person has been called into question. I loved being a Division 1 athlete. I’ve loved racing in half marathons and triathlons. I loved moving my body in challenging yoga poses. 

• What's left for me when I can’t hold onto this proud shield? 

• What’s left for me if I can’t claim myself as an athlete any longer?  

My hip pain has been a catalyst for me to examine this old story of who I need to be. 

Recognizing that my body is working hard for me and dismantling this old story means I can call a truce with my body. My body is working as hard for my healing as I've been. We've been partners all along. We're on the same page, wanting the same thing. 

I’ve been keeping an agenda for my body around exercise and sport. Meanwhile, my body has been keeping the same agenda it has and always will keep: to protect me, keep me in balance, and heal. Without this agenda, I can appreciate how my body is working so hard for me. 

As you consider your relationship with your body, I hope my story inspires you to consider that you can partner with your body around food, movement, and healing. 

If this is a new journey for you, one of the simplest steps you can do right now is to notice yourself breathing. When you do this, you likely will notice how: 

Your body is working so hard for you. 

12 Practices to Feel Satisfied and Peaceful Around Food This Thanksgiving

Eating to satisfaction is the cornerstone of Intuitive Eating. 

When you feel satisfied, you eat an amount that feels right for you at that moment. You also feel content, nourished, and even spacious because you’re eating foods that you like and that taste good to you. 

Only you will know what satisfaction feels like in your body. 

Thanksgiving is an awesome opportunity to practice eating to satisfaction. And, for obvious reasons, may be even more challenging. 

Here are a few things to practice.

You can: 

1. Eat foods that would have been off-limits in the past. Remind yourself that you can also enjoy these foods tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that.  

2. Enjoy these foods without guilt or shame. 

3. Wear comfortable clothing. 

4. Let go of standard portion sizes. 

5. Fill your dinner plate with foods that you're curious to try, will enjoy, and will make your body feel great. 

6. Be aware of your environment and notice people, memories, expectations, overwhelm, and responsibilities that may move you off your center. How can you be gentle with yourself? 

7. Not finish everything on your plate. Wrap it up and save it for later or throw the food away. 

8. Invite yourself to challenge any "shoulds" and explore if they still feel right to you. “I should make my grandmother's apple pie.” “Everything should be perfect.” “We should eat dinner at a certain time of the day.”  

9. Notice a part of you that may want or need to burn extra calories in advance of Thanksgiving dinner. Can you replace that with moving in a way that's inviting and fun for you?

10. Pause every once in a while throughout the day and take some deep breaths. Notice what you're experiencing in your body. Check in with your hunger and fullness signals. 

11. Rest often. Take a 10-15 minute, or hour-long nap. Take a break. Give yourself some downtime. 

12. Eat pie for breakfast (thank you for this suggestion Evelyn Tribole!). 

And if you're brand new to Intuitive Eating, let yourself stumble and fumble. It takes practice and time to unlearn outdated patterns of food restriction and restore connection with yourself and your body. You get to do this imperfectly! 

Have a peaceful and lovely Thanksgiving! 

It’s common to want to FIX your struggles with food and your weight. Common. But not helpful.

When you’re trying to fix, 

• You may be thinking…. I need to STOP overeating, STOP eating emotionally, STOP eating the wrong foods. 

• You may feel really urgent (maybe even panicked) to find a solution (program, coach, or book) that will take away the struggle. 

• You likely beat yourself up and feel bad when you overeat or emotionally eat. It’s generally right after these situations that you want “to fix” most. 

The most common forms of fixing are food restriction, rigorous dieting and more frequent or longer exercise.  

If you’re trying to fix your relationship with food and bodies, you’ve likely forgotten: 

• Your body is universally perfect because it’s here on earth. You came into this world divinely and nothing has changed. It’s only our culture and the biases we’ve absorbed that have led us to believe that something is wrong. 

• Disordered patterns with food are coping mechanisms. You’ve put them in place to keep yourself safe and protected. 

• By trying to fix unwanted behavior, you may spend more time and energy on the behavior instead of inviting in healing the part of you that created the unwanted behavior in the first place. 

When we try to fix, we see ourselves as wrong or broken. 

And this is simply not true. 

And, you’re not wrong for wanting to fix something painful! Of course, you want your life to be better. 

My invitation to you is to notice when you want to fix. When you catch yourself, gently remind yourself that the way to heal is through connecting with your inner state and practicing self-compassion. 

Thank You Diet Culture

I spent most of my life not even knowing you existed. All I knew was that I needed to be smaller to be pretty. So I tried to be better with food.

I witnessed my mother diet, even though she didn't need to. But you convinced her otherwise. Because of that, I dieted too.

While dieting, I hurt my body. I overfilled her, starved her, dismissed her, and pushed her when she was dead tired.

I know I was the one choosing these actions. But you promised me that I'd be happier when I was thinner. You showed me thin people that were more attractive, healthier and more successful.

I thought I was sacrificing for a reason. But really, I was just sacrificing my sanity and autonomy.

I believed in your promises. Your promises gave me hope.

You never intended to keep your promises. You always meant to manipulate me and millions of people to believe that our bodies are wrong and bad.

When we believe our bodies are wrong, we turn to you to fix us. We've filled your purses, given you our time and energy and you’ve taken away our happiness and freedom.

So for that, fuck you.

I know all we can do is grieve. And heal. And unlearn every single thing you've taught us. You've taught us our bodies aren't worth respecting or worth listening to, but the truth is you're not worth respecting or worth listening to.

The truth is our bodies were never a problem, and have always been and always be inherently perfect.

I wish you didn't exist, but you do.

All we can do is accept you, and see you as a system that we don't need to engage with. When we turn our attention away from you, you won’t have the power to hurt us.

As surprising as this may sound, thank you. By unlearning your teachings, we’re learning how to be in our bodies. Because of your darkness, we have the opportunity to stand in the light.