You Can’t Ever Get Rid of That Negative Voice. Here’s Why.

Yesterday, a friend casually mentioned her negative self-talk to me as “the committee that wakes me up at 2 a.m. to tell me what I should and should not be doing”.

If there is one thing that's universal about the human experience, we all have negative thoughts. 

You've prepared for an important meeting and you're as ready as you'll ever be. As you take a seat around the conference table, your inner voice starts chatting. What if you forget the important points? What if someone asks you a question you don't have the answer to? Your negative inner monologue questions you and fills you with self-doubts. 

In my last post, I shared how important it is to pay attention to this inner voice. Simply notice it and be aware of it. As unpleasant as that may be. 

Now that you're aware of it, what's happening here? Why does that voice jump in during these crucial times when it's the last thing you need? 

You may be surprised to know that this voice has a very clear purpose. It may make you feel anxious and worried, but that’s not what it’s there for. 

Your negative self-talk wants to protect you. 

We have an internal mechanism that detects threats. When a threat is detected, our nervous system will react in a way to protect us. 

When you’re about to give your presentation, a part of you may be anticipating that the folks in the room are judging or criticizing you. Or when you’re in a new situation that feels unfamiliar, a part of you feels uncertain and insecure about what will happen next. Your body detects these situations as a threat.  

We typically react to threats in a few ways by…

• Shutting down. You may feel numb and dulled. 

• Getting angry at others or yourself. 

• Trying to please or appease those around you. 

• Checking out mentally or emotionally. You distract yourself and focus on something else. 

These are ways we freeze, please, flee and fight. 

These reactions are unconscious and automatic responses happening inside your body. You can’t get rid of them. 

This is why noticing your inner committee is so important. You’re fighting yourself when you try to get rid of this voice. Instead of seeing your safety mechanism as a problem, you can see it in a new way. 

By partnering with this voice, you can better understand yourself and how you’re reacting in certain situations. I’ll be sharing strategies and tools to work with this negative voice. Stay tuned.

This is Safe Visibility

Last week, I decided to take a bit of a risk. After my morning meditation, I was inspired to share my thoughts on being in the present moment. 

Just as I was about to post on LinkedIn, I thought “how about sharing a picture of me?”. It was an early hour and I was in my workout clothes without a shower. So I cozied up to my office mate and king of house, Remy (my 14 year old burmese mountain dog mix).  And took this picture…. 

I asked my husband for his input. When I’m about to take a risk, no matter how small, it’s nice to know that someone close to me will have my back. He gave me the thumbs up. 

I posted it. And noticed immediately that I had an eye sleepy (aka sleep crust) on my cheek. Ha, ha! Of course there was. 

We are told to show our professional, put together self. We’re told to look the part.

When I scroll through social media and see really put together women, I feel stifled. The idea of only showing the world a beautifully manicured, made up and well dressed version of me feels exhausting. 

Which is why I shared the raw and real me with Remy. I thought, will people take me seriously? Will they think less than me? 

I know why it felt uncomfortable. I’m going against everything I’ve been taught on how to show up. 

This is how practicing safe visibility works. You…

• Don’t force yourself out there. You let inspiration lead you. 

• Gather your support. 

• Give yourself permission to take small risks and expect it will feel uncomfortable. 

• Let it be messy. 

• Celebrate yourself for showing up.

• Choose to do it again.
  

This is important because when I allow myself to be safely visible, I give you permission to do the same. 

Are you ready to share your inspiration? professional expertise? organization? thought leadership? 

If so, practice safe visibility so you can be seen and share yourself without stress or duress.

To Say No, You Have To Say Yes

Most folks I connect with have a full plate. Some have a “day” job and a few jobs they work in the evenings and weekends. On one hand, they’re filled with passion and enthusiasm because they’re engaged in so much meaningful work. On the other, they share how little control they have over their schedule and feel like their time isn’t their own.

Here is how you know this is you: 

• Does the idea of taking a weekend off from work, giving yourself a real lunch break, or not catching up on emails after dinner feel impossible? 

• Do you feel like you’re just trying to survive each week? 

Being so overloaded can feel like a trap. You’re good at managing everything on your plate. You know what it takes to be efficient, multi-task, and get the job done. 

But, how about those times when you say to yourself “I can’t take it anymore.”? When you want to quit and shed all of those obligations and responsibilities, but you know you can’t. 

You may be starting to recognize that sacrificing your sanity isn’t worth it. When you’re overwhelmed with too many responsibilities;  you may have a hard time winding down and relaxing, you have a hard time sleeping, you have little time to get outside and take a break, you feel anxious and get agitated easily, and you have little patience for the minor inconveniences that life inevitably throws at you. 

Yet, the truth is that while you’ve been saying yes to others, you’ve been saying no to yourself. When you tell your boss that you can get a deliverable to her by the end of the week or when you agreed to take on that non-profit work, you’ve given away the precious time you need for yourself (like getting more sleep, going for a walk or run, or working on an important personal project). 

Start by getting clear about how you want to spend your time. What do you value? What do you want to do to invest in your health and sanity? Who do you want to make time for? When you know what your non-negotiables are around your time, it’s easier to say “no” or “not now” when other demands are being placed on you. 

This will help you get control over your calendar. And instead of feeling like each week is a brutal running race you can barely survive, you’ll feel a sense of balance in how you’re spending your time because you’re putting yourself and what you value first. 

Getting Comfortable With the Discomfort of Owning Your Achievements

Years ago, my son Ryan's little league baseball team won his league's world series. This was a surprise because his team lost as many games as they won during the regular season. But during the playoffs, the team came together, each of them playing their best. 

After the championship game, while parents and players were screaming and cheering, I noticed his coach was barely celebrating at all. I was expecting him to be thrilled and beaming with pride, especially considering the odds he helped his team overcome. I heard him mumble something about next season in the post-game team huddle. 

Sadly, not owning and celebrating achievements is pretty common, especially among high-achieving women. It can feel uncomfortable to draw attention to themselves. There is an assumption that hard work should be noticed on its own, and bragging about it could diminish its quality and integrity. 

Achievements like earning a promotion or landing a speaking gig can often be minimized by assuming they come from luck or personal connections. When folks don’t take credit for these wins, they don’t acknowledge their own hard work and brilliance. 

It’s very common for women to automatically want to move on to the next thing. They close down a successful project and instead of taking the time to celebrate and own their success, they get energized and ready for the next project. 

Ready to own your achievements? 

Take the time to pause and sit in the initial discomfort of owning your success. Yes, you’ve been taught and trained to be humble and modest. But that conditioning isn’t helping you to achieve the success you’re yearning for. 

Acknowledging yourself and your contributions is a critical habit, especially if you’re feeling like you’re on a gerbil wheel, exhausted and overworked. By owning your achievements, you’re training your brain to collect evidence around the impact you’re having. 

I start each client coaching call by asking my client, what can we celebrate? If you have someone to confide in, let them know what you’re practicing and ask them to team up with you. If you don’t, journaling works too. Prompt yourself with  “I’m proud of myself that I …..”,  “I acknowledge myself for ….”, and  “I’m celebrating myself for …. .”  

This builds your self-awareness around your strengths and talents. When you start to notice not only what you accomplished but what it took for you to get there, you’re moving in the direction you want to go. 

As this becomes a habit, you’ll see opportunities to bring your accomplishments to the partners and senior leaders in your firm. This will raise your visibility and put you in the running for new opportunities. 

You can also model this practice with your team and co-workers so they can learn how to claim their achievements too. 

But most importantly, owning your achievements is a powerful practice of honoring yourself.

An Unsuspecting Professional Obstacle: Negative Body Image

Andrea, a fictitious typical client, has an important presentation to give today to her client’s board. Even though she’s confident in her preparation, she’s dreading what to wear. 

She wishes her favorite suit would still fit. Her go-to blouse is snug in all the wrong places. She’s frustrated with her weight, her body and herself. How could she let herself get here? Ultimately, 

she opted for the safe bet; something flowy that covers her up in dark colors, the ones that will make her blend in, not stand out. 

If you can relate to Andrea, you know what confidence in many areas of your life feels like. But when it comes to how you look and your body size, you feel like you're lacking and not measuring up. 

Your worries about your body don’t start and end when you’re getting dressed. You’ve developed an inner dialogue that’s constantly criticizing yourself. The internal conversation often gets louder and meaner when you're shocked as you catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror or look at a picture of yourself. 

Body image is a sensitive topic, especially in the workplace. When you’ve proven yourself to be an outstanding leader and highly competent in your role, it’s risky to share your vulnerabilities about how you feel about your body. 

This is why when you consider how you can continue to advance professionally, your negative body image may not even be on your radar as an obstacle. Many people who have a poor body image have been challenged by it for most of their lives and just see it as something they need to deal with. 

We aren’t freely talking about body image. But it’s likely impacting you personally and professionally. 

What Body Image Is

Essentially, it’s the image you have of your own body and it’s the image you have of what you think others think of your body. Even if you try to not think about your body, you still have an image of it. 

Your body image was formed at a young age when you noticed your own body and how it fit into the ideals of culture. You’re well aware of what an ideal body looks like and the praise women receive for having an ideal (or nearly ideal) body. They’re seen as beautiful, strong, capable, attractive and sexy. 

Your body image isn’t about the size of your body, it’s about how you see yourself as a whole person because of the size and shape of your body. If you see yourself as overweight, you may see yourself as bad, wrong, unattractive, or out of control. 

Not surprisingly, having a poor body image impacts your confidence. Just like Andrea. She felt confident to some degree, but her body image made her self-conscious. 

Your body image sits on a spectrum. You don’t just have a great body image or a negative one. You likely have something in between. And your body image can change over time. 

Here’s a few things to consider as you take stock of your body image: 

• Do you consider your body an enemy, a stranger, a casual acquaintance or your best friend? 

• How much time do you spend thinking about your weight, the size of your body and what you eat? 

• Do you try to avoid and push away any thoughts about your body? 

• Are you working hard to try to lose weight and improve your body? 

• How often do you have negative internal conversations about your body? 

Over 85% of adult women in the United States are unhappy and dissatisfied with their bodies. Negative feelings about our bodies are ubiquitous, but that’s not a reason to live with this negativity and discomfort. In addition, your body image impacts many areas of your life; your relationship with food, your sex life, your self-care, and undoubtedly, your performance and advancement in the workplace. 

Here is why. 

• Poor body image is taking up valuable time and energy. 

• You’re hiding yourself because it doesn’t feel safe to be visible. 

• You don’t feel truly confident. 

• You often overcompensate professionally by trying to be perfect. This is just exhausting. 

• You’re often waiting for external recognition from others. Because you’ve bought into the idea that you’ll feel more confident when you’ve lost weight, you don’t ask, put yourself out there or initiate. You’re waiting for your body to change to go after your dreams. 

• You’re disconnected from your body. You don’t take care of it because you don’t like it. 

I’m not advocating for you to try to fix or change your body so you can feel better about it. Doing so will only reinforce a negative body image. You don’t need to change your body to change your body image. 

Instead, start to notice how you relate to your body. How often do you tune in and listen? Notice how you talk to yourself about your body. 

This may be confirming what you’ve been suspecting for a long time; your relationship with your body needs improving.

Ready to get coaching around changing your body image so you can advance professionally on your own terms?  Book a clarity call with me.