Here’s a Way To Forgive Yourself so You Can Move On
Years ago when I was working as a corporate controller, I keyed in the wrong payroll information and one of our employees wasn't paid. I was sick to my stomach. I prided myself on double and triple checking my work, but this one slipped through the cracks. Of course, I fixed it, apologized and made sure the employee was paid as soon as she could have been. But while it was happening, I was beating myself up. How could I let this happen? I needed to be more careful! This is embarrassing.
From then on, every time I processed payroll, the memory of that mistake would come back and I worried I’d make another one. Even though the mistake was far in the past, I kept bringing it to the present and would ruminate on it.
Many high-achieving women are slow to forgive themselves.They hold onto a mistake or misstep, ruminate and rehash it, and beat themselves up for it. Their mistake could have happened 10 years, 10 weeks, 10 days or 10 minutes ago. It still occupies a lot of space in their minds. In a 2016 study of 2,000 women in the UK, it was found that women criticize themselves at least eight times a day.
When our expectations are high for ourselves, there is little room for messing up. We work hard to be prepared, to double check our work, do the right thing and make the best choice. These expectations don't just live in the office, they can include how we juggle our home life, how we work out and the food choices we make.
Some folks are under the misconception that holding onto mistakes will help minimize them in the future. The reality is that after a few moments of reflection, holding onto a mistake only erodes our confidence and distracts us from what's happening in the present moment.
How can you be fully present when you're beating yourself up for overeating at dinner? Or, re-writing that email response you sent this morning in your mind? Or, wishing you weren't late picking up your kid at basketball practice?
While you're beating yourself up, you're also letting the magic of the moment slip by. You may miss listening to an important conversation, noticing how warm the sun feels, or enjoying a lovely meal. Essentially, when you don't forgive yourself quickly, you're allowing yourself to be robbed.
Forgiving ourselves quickly takes some practice and willingness. Start by noticing the cost of not forgiving yourself, because there is one. Catch yourself when you start to beat yourself up.
When I was training to be a yoga teacher, I was taught the importance of forgiving myself in the moment. It's called instant forgiveness. It's common for teachers, especially new ones, to forget to call a pose or mix up their lefts and their rights (it's harder than you think!). If a teacher makes a mistake and beats themselves up for it for the rest of the class, they rob themselves of the peace or excitement they could feel at that moment and they rob their students of their full engagement.
One of the tactics my yoga mentor would teach us would be to say "So what". You forgot a pose, "so what". By saying "so what", you lessen the negative meaning your mistake has on you. In "How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job" the authors recommend a similar approach when you're plagued with ruminating on your past mistakes. They suggest saying "oh, well" to yourself. There was a mistake on page 6 of your presentation, "oh, well". You felt nervous and stumbled over your words at your last talk, "oh, well".
Whether you say "so, what" or "oh, well", remind yourself that your mistakes aren't something you need to carry with you into the future. You can learn from them and move on. And the quicker you can do this, the more you and everyone around you will benefit from it.