People Pleasing or Doing Excellent Work?

This is why you have a hard time saying no and what to do about it. 

I started babysitting when I was 12. I would often clean up the kitchen before the parents got home, even if the mess wasn’t made on my watch. At the time, I liked making these parents happy. I also learned that if they were pleased, they would hire me again, tell their friends about me and ultimately,  I’d earn more money.  Win, win. Right? 

I hear countless women refer to themselves as "people pleasers". People pleasing, prioritizing the needs of others to please them, has been named as one of the obstacles women have when they are seeking professional success, personal contentment and sanity. 

For some women, the line between pleasing people and doing excellent work is blurry. For most women, there is no boundary between the two. 

Growing up, I was expected to help with laundry, dishes and starting dinner. As the daughter, I was there to help my mother with her responsibilities. You likely did the same. With this teaching, we learned to recognize, anticipate and take responsibility for the care of others. I watched my mother work as a nurse full-time, and still prioritize household responsibilities, doctor’s appointments, car pooling, birthday parties, and Christmas shopping (all of the typical maternal things). 

As women, we’ve grown up meeting the societal norms that have been set for us. It’s extremely difficult to go against these norms. We risk disappointing and even making those closest to us angry and upset. At a primal level, we risk getting thrown out of the tribe if we don’t play the role we are expected to. 

When we are prioritizing the needs of others, we aren’t just trying to please others. We are ensuring our own safety, security and satisfaction. I share that as a way of you having an appreciation for your people-pleasing tendencies. 

And, you may be doing too much people-pleasing. It may be overused. And I know you know if that’s the case. 

• You’re exhausted and feel depleted. 

• Because you’ve taught those around you that you will say yes to everything, more and more people come to you with their problems. This is no longer satisfying. You often feel overwhelmed and resentful. 

• You’re doing work that you know other people in your firm or company could be doing. 

• You take little time for your self-care; you sacrifice sleep, eating regular and consistent meals, time with loved ones, time to move your body and exercise, and playtime. Playtime? What’s that? (No, it’s not cleaning up your inbox.) 

• Saying no feels extremely uncomfortable. You may feel anxious or tense just thinking about turning someone away. 

If you grew up in a volatile household or are in one now, pleasing people may be how you keep the peace. You may be trying to keep things from blowing up so you and your loved ones feel safe. 

If you’re seeing your people-pleasing tendencies as an excuse or even a badge of honor, I’m inviting you to this different perspective. 

When you become aware of people-pleasing patterns, you can evaluate if they support your professional growth, health and sanity or if they don’t. 

When I work with clients, we work with experimenting and practicing a different way of approaching a situation. Saying no when you’ve only ever said yes may feel pretty confronting. Exploring a new way may be your best step forward. 

I work with ambitious women in finance and accounting to reach their next level of success on their terms. If you’d like to change your relationship with people-pleasing, let’s talk. 

Are You Flying Under the Radar Professionally?

What do you do or avoid doing to not draw attention to yourself?

When I was in middle school, Mrs. Doyle called on me in math class. "Tara, you know the answer to this question." I did. She was right. But I didn't want the rest of the class to know.

My middle school self only knew I didn't want people looking at me. Now I know that speaking up in class was risky. I was bringing attention to myself; an opportunity for others to judge me.

When I sat quietly in class, I was keeping myself safe.

I now understand enough about safety and how humans protect themselves to appreciate how resourceful I was. If you've been flying under the radar by not sharing your ideas or asking insightful questions, you're also likely protecting yourself.

We hear common advice like "be fearless", "be bold" and "lean in".

It's important that you establish safety within yourself before you take this advice. Without safety, you'll force yourself to do something that causes stress and anxiety. This is one of the unique aspects of my coaching framework. Feel free to message me if you'd like to learn more.

When I was 12, not speaking up in class was the only way I knew to keep myself safe. Now, flying under the radar isn't helpful. It's painful because a force inside of us stays dormant. We don't acknowledge or recognize it within ourselves. Therefore we don't appreciate it and value it.

In summary-
- Recognize when you're flying under the radar. 
- Appreciate how you've been keeping yourself safe. 
- Practice creating safety for yourself. Reach out  to me if you need more support. 
- Experiment with ways to share your ideas and insights. Take small steps.

Be Where Your Feet Are

I love the way my son's old football coach encouraged his players to be present.

There are so many enticing thoughts that grab our mind’s attention.

We plan for the future; the day ahead, the week ahead, the year ahead. I love to plan, so I find that my mind enjoys fast-forwarding.

I also notice how I worry. If you're like me, worrying can sweep you up and take you away, if you're not mindful around it. Each concern can build energy and take up more and more space in your head.

Worrying can feel addicting when you don't realize you have a choice to worry or not.

I also notice how sometimes I rehash old events and ask myself, “How could that have gone better?”

There is nothing wrong when our mind is somewhere else.

But, it just means we aren't tuned into what's happening at the moment. Our thoughts are just thoughts, an interpretation or narrative.

When our mind is focused on the moment, we get to engage all of our senses and experience the moment fully. We can listen to sounds, smell the air, and connect with sensations in our bodies. This is the sweet spot where we can be most in tune to ourselves and our inner wisdom and creativity.

My best ideas come when I'm present and grounded. It's also when I naturally feel the most relaxed.

As a leader, you're juggling an overwhelming amount of ideas and responsibilities.

How do you use mindfulness to help you become more effective? Or to simply enjoy the moment you’re in?

What's Your Experience of Feeling Like an Impostor?

Over the past few months, I've been doing formal and informal market research to understand what are the obstacles that stand in the way of women reaching their next-level success.

They may want to grow their firm, secure capital, or be promoted to partner. Or, they’re just trying to survive a competitive environment where their colleagues don’t have their backs.

Many mention their need for confidence. They ask themselves "Who am I to do this?". They talk about feeling like a fraud.

I was surprised to hear this so often. I’ve done tons of inner work. But this wasn’t on my radar. While I’ve been processing all of these conversations, a memory popped in.

I was fresh out of college. I sat in a comfy chair in a fancy training room during my first week of new hire training at Deloitte. I looked around the room and immediately thought “I don’t belong here.” I thought I fooled everyone; the senior managers, hiring partners and the VP of HR. What if they knew the truth?

I’ll share more in the future. But for now, I want to normalize this experience. I was one of the first in my family to graduate from college. I was the first accountant. I was the first in my family to work in a high-rise in downtown Boston.

No wonder I didn’t feel like I belonged. No wonder I worried that people would find out I was an impostor.

This is why I want to start a conversation. 

Do you ever feel like a fraud? Does it get in your way?  What do you do to deal with it?

Want to just share your story privately? Feel free to message me here.

When You Can’t Focus

"I've got so much going on. When I have time to get something done, I can't focus."

When I’m feeling this way, you’ll find me scrolling my IG feed. I’ll start watching cat or baby videos or better yet, football hype reels. Or, I’ll mindlessly window shop. 

I get how frustrating this is. You think that if you could be more productive, you’d feel less overwhelmed. You want to work your way out of it, check a few things off your to-do list and feel a sense of accomplishment. 

But you don’t seem to have the bandwidth or energy to focus. What’s going on? 

There is a good chance you're fried. It’s an odd way to describe it, but when our nervous system is working overtime, our circuits go haywire. 

• Are you jumpy and get startled easily? 

• Is it hard to fall or stay asleep? 

• Have you lost your patience and do you lose your temper easily? 

• Does everything, even the small things, feel like a big deal?

These are signs that you need to hit the reset button. 

Working harder won’t help you through the overwhelm (at least in a sustainable way). I know. I said it again. You need to tend to yourself.  

The more you have on your plate, the more downtime you need.  

Giving yourself some space in your day will be worth it. Take time for lunch away from your computer. Go for a short walk. Take 5 minutes and step outside with a cup of tea. 

You can’t be your most creative self if you're feeling depleted. 

Consider some bigger questions... 

• Are you expecting yourself to be all things to all people? 

• Do you have reasonable and sustainable expectations for yourself?  

• Are you able to set boundaries to protect your energy? 

Your struggle with focusing isn’t the real problem, it’s a symptom. As you navigate through this, you’ll see that there is a large part of you that’s asking for more support and a mindset change. 

If you’d like to partner with me to help you through this, set up a time with me to chat.

Is Your Mind Crowded with Negative Self-talk?

What’s going on inside of your head? 

Is it crowded with negative self-talk? 

❗️ I can't do this. 

❗️I need to try harder. 

❓ What’s wrong with me? 

⛔️ They can't see me (or my work). 

❗️They think I’m …. (dumb, wrong, an idiot, bad). 

We’ve all heard our fair share about positive thinking and all of its benefits. 

Before you even try to think positively, are you noticing the thoughts you’re having? 

There is a good chance you’re not. And even if you are, you may not feel how hurtful the words are.

There are a few reasons for this. 

1️⃣ These words are familiar to you because you’ve been speaking to yourself like this for a long time. 

2️⃣ You try not to dwell on these thoughts and work to move past them quickly. 

3️⃣ You try to be a positive person and don’t want to acknowledge that these thoughts fill your mind. 

There is a part of you that doesn’t like it when you speak to yourself so harshly. Rightfully so. 

But you can’t change something you don’t know is there. 

So first, I invite you to pay attention. Get curious. How do you speak to yourself? This isn’t meant to be an exercise for you to judge your thoughts. Just notice the conversations you’re having. It may be interesting to write them down. 

Over the next few posts, I’m going to offer you some insight into what your negative self-talk is all about, how it works, the purpose it serves, and most importantly, what to do about it (it’s not the advice you’ve already read). 

Resistant to Self-care? Ya. Me too.

I would roll my eyes at bubble baths and sleeping in past 6 am.  I dismissed it for years and on the surface, still do. Interestingly enough, I take better care of myself now than I ever did. Here is what shifted for me. 

Firstly, I’m a productivity junky. I love waking up in the morning knowing I’ve got some important things to tackle. I love the satisfaction of wrapping up a day knowing I’ve moved a project forward or been impactful for my clients. 

Being busy and accomplished has offered me a way to feel good about myself. I think this is at the heart of most resistance around self-care for folks. Taking time for themselves may not fill their cup when they can spend the time on a project or meet a deadline that makes those around them happy. 

I recognize the potential trap. Our culture has taught us to value productivity and the “go-go” mentality. But when we only see ourselves as a working machine, we’ve lost sight of how we know how to value and know ourselves. The truth is that we don’t need to earn our value, we are worthy because we are here. But for many busy professionals, it’s easy to forget this. When we perform well, we get rewarded with a promotion, raise or landing new business that contributes to the growth of our company. 

Recognizing this polarity is important. A part of you that values busyness and productivity. The other part may not value downtime and time for rest. When you’re not producing, who are you? 

Your productivity may be the way you know yourself. 

I realized about 10 years ago that how I was working (I was running three separate businesses) wasn’t sustainable or healthy. I said yes to everything and didn’t honor or respect my basic needs of sleep or well-being. 

At the time, if you suggested self-care to me, I would have lost it. It’s like when someone says to you, “Take a deep breath.” That may be what you need, but you don’t want to be told to do it. 

This is why I’m not going to suggest self-care to you. 

Everything changed when I allowed myself to have needs. I realized that I wasn’t weak because I needed to care for myself. I started to value feeling relaxed and well-rested. I started to value being creative. I valued how my body felt when I took a few breaths of fresh air. I was also surprised that my productivity and creativity sky-rocketed when my basic needs were met. When I was depleted, I had little to offer my work. 

That’s when I took responsibility for my health and well-being. I took responsibility for my productivity. 

You’re the only one that can care for yourself. 

I came to realize that I was responsible for my needs. No one was going to jump in and know what I needed. I had to slow down, check in and prioritize myself. 

I’m not sure what the name of this is. Self-care is probably accurate, but along the way, it got a bad rap for being all about bubble baths and pedicures. 

So, resist self-care all you want. I’m with you. But please, take responsibility for your well-being. 

A Different Way To Think About Confidence

Are you hoping that raise or promotion will finally make you feel successful?

Are you hoping that when you hit that revenue target that you'll know your organization has finally "made it"?

Are you hoping that when you've lost that 20 lbs, you'll finally feel confident?

Many people have this "one" thing and believe that when they reach it, everything will change. Life will be magically transformed and all problems will go away.

More often than not, goals get reached and the person doesn't feel what they were hoping for.

They got the promotion or raise, but instead of celebrating, they said to themselves "what's next?".

They lost the weight and felt stressed, worried and unhappy.

This is because what we are focused isn't what we really desire. And external achievements or circumstances often don't impact our vital needs.

If you're looking for more confidence, success, safety and happiness, that doesn't come from what's happening around you. You need to generate yourself.

Trusting Yourself is a Practice

I think about trust a lot. A decade or so ago, I realized I was spending my life following “rules” and “guidelines” that weren’t mine. While working hard to follow these external rules, I rarely cultivated trust within myself.

For example, from my pre-teens to my early 30’s, I painstakingly straightened my hair because my curls were too unruly. I needed to be polished and put together.  My curls couldn’t be trusted. If you’ve ever spent way too much time or money defying your true nature, I know you can appreciate the freedom that I’ve claimed by embracing my curls.

It’s not just about tossing your hair straightener. How we do one thing is how we do most things.

If you’re prioritizing external rules over honoring your internal wisdom, there is a good chance that you may not be trusting yourself as often as you could be.

When we don’t trust ourselves, we
- second guess ourselves, 
- feel stuck in indecision, 
- are consumed with fear over making a bad or wrong decision, 
- worry there’s a better approach out there (and we keep searching for it), and 
- look for external validation or assurance instead of tuning into our own awareness.

With all of the personal study I’ve done around trust, trust isn’t something you either have or don’t have. It comes with practice.

You may have more clarity around some decisions than others. And that’s appropriate. Like whether or not to take on a new client. Some decisions have higher stakes and require more information. Like your next pivotal hire.

Consider how you could benefit from practicing trusting yourself:

- What do you notice when you’re struggling to make a decision? 
- What do you notice when you make a decision with clarity? 
- Is there an area of your work where you could trust yourself more? 
- How could your organization benefit when you have more trust in yourself? 
- How is your organization impacted when you doubt yourself?

If you have any questions or would like to explore this topic with me, email me at tara@tara-whitney.com or schedule a coffee chat. https://lnkd.in/evQSpm9G

Why Speaking Up (in your true voice) Is Hard

It happened again. You walked out of that meeting without speaking up. That idea popped into your mind. You had so many questions on that presentation. But instead of putting your voice in the room, you stayed quiet. 

A little voice inside of you said, “That’s a dumb question”. And then the person next to you asked the same one. Or, you kept looking for the right time to insert your idea, but it meant you had to interrupt someone. And you hate it when someone interrupts you, so you don’t want to do it to someone else. 

This can feel so frustrating. You’ve got the flow of ideas and insights, but they’re contained and locked away. It’s not that you don’t want to share what’s on your mind, you just don’t know how. You don’t feel heard. Do your colleagues in the room even realize you’re there? 

Why are many women struggling with this when our male colleagues seem to have no problem asking questions and sharing their ideas? 

For starters, women have been conditioned from a young age to be nice and polite. This can include not speaking up, especially if what you have to say will create waves, be controversial or is disruptive. It’s easier to say “I agree” and go with the group think than to say “I disagree and I think we’re moving in the wrong direction”. 

There is a good chance that when you’ve spoken up in the past, your idea was dismissed or glossed over. I’ve been in meetings where a woman has offered an idea that was subtly dismissed and then five minutes later a man offered the same idea and received praise. If this has ever happened to you, you may feel like you’re going crazy. You’ve spoken up and someone else got credit for your wisdom. 

Sadly, you may have grown up in an environment where speaking up was dangerous. Family dynamics are tricky and if authority figures told you to stay quiet or punished you for speaking your mind, then you may have carried this pattern into the workplace. 

Not speaking up isn’t a character flaw or a result of a personal defect. Not speaking up is a conditioned response to ensure your own safety. Basically, it’s not because of you, it’s because of the environments you’ve been trying to survive and even thrive in. 

This is a powerful starting point. Safety always comes first and if you don’t feel safe speaking up, then it’s not going to happen in an organic way that feels true to you. When folks don’t have safety, they may “yell” or speak with anger or they may “whisper” and speak with fear. Either way, your voice won’t feel true to you. 

When you do feel safe speaking up, you’ll connect with ease within yourself. Instead of your ideas being blocked, they’ll flow. You will be cultivating your creativity instead of tampering it with doubt. Instead of feeling invisible in the workplace, you’ll have a presence in the room. 

This is Safe Visibility

Last week, I decided to take a bit of a risk. After my morning meditation, I was inspired to share my thoughts on being in the present moment. 

Just as I was about to post on LinkedIn, I thought “how about sharing a picture of me?”. It was an early hour and I was in my workout clothes without a shower. So I cozied up to my office mate and king of house, Remy (my 14 year old burmese mountain dog mix).  And took this picture…. 

I asked my husband for his input. When I’m about to take a risk, no matter how small, it’s nice to know that someone close to me will have my back. He gave me the thumbs up. 

I posted it. And noticed immediately that I had an eye sleepy (aka sleep crust) on my cheek. Ha, ha! Of course there was. 

We are told to show our professional, put together self. We’re told to look the part.

When I scroll through social media and see really put together women, I feel stifled. The idea of only showing the world a beautifully manicured, made up and well dressed version of me feels exhausting. 

Which is why I shared the raw and real me with Remy. I thought, will people take me seriously? Will they think less than me? 

I know why it felt uncomfortable. I’m going against everything I’ve been taught on how to show up. 

This is how practicing safe visibility works. You…

• Don’t force yourself out there. You let inspiration lead you. 

• Gather your support. 

• Give yourself permission to take small risks and expect it will feel uncomfortable. 

• Let it be messy. 

• Celebrate yourself for showing up.

• Choose to do it again.
  

This is important because when I allow myself to be safely visible, I give you permission to do the same. 

Are you ready to share your inspiration? professional expertise? organization? thought leadership? 

If so, practice safe visibility so you can be seen and share yourself without stress or duress.