I often don’t notice shame until I start feeling like shit. Which is an interesting way to describe how I’m feeling because I’ve been there many times. It’s an old and familiar place within me.
Hello, heaviness. Hello, darkness. Hello, old friend.
When I’m in this shitty place, my mind is so busy looking for what’s wrong.
“Think Lovely Thoughts”. This sweet little plaque hangs in my kitchen. Right next to the coffee maker.
I bought it at the gift shop at Kripalu, a yoga retreat center in Western Massachusetts. I remember thinking, I want lovely thoughts. Maybe this small plaque would serve as the reminder I needed.
Early in my transformational journey, I “worked” on my thoughts. Thanks to Dr. Wayne Dyer, I embraced the notion that if I changed my thoughts, I would change my life. And when it came to emotional eating and overeating, I wanted change. Lots of change.
When I was eating emotionally, I often felt like I was in a trance. Something had taken over my body and mind when I opened up the kitchen cabinet and grabbed handfuls of crackers or low-fat cookies.
Who knows how much I ate, why I was eating it, or even how the food tasted. I was pulled to the kitchen like it was a magnet.
It was only when my belly started to feel very uncomfortable that I woke up from this trance. And that’s when the shame and guilt came flooding in. “Oh $hit. What have I done?”
In this article, I share the experience of a client that went through my One-to-One Coaching program.
I’m sharing what her relationship with food was like before we started working together, some of the key components of my coaching that worked for her, and what her experience with food and her body is like now as a way for you to understand what’s possible on the other sides of your struggles with food and your body.
Please know that practicing Intuitive Eating and changing our relationship with our body, while we‘re embedded in cultural messages that tell us our bodies need to be different, is a constant and ever-changing process.
One study showed that 91% of college women are on a diet to lose weight. In another, 60–80% of young women are dieting despite the majority of them being an “average” weight.
I had the opportunity to speak to HackHer413, an all women, non binary online hackathon designed to increase technology skills, network and innovate, about how to connect with their own true voice and presence in their emerging career.
With these statistics in mind, I knew the majority of the women in my workshop were critical of their body size and were either actively trying to change it or wanted to. And, I also knew, in their minds, they believed they were doing the right thing. They had heard plenty of messages that they needed to have a thin body and dieting is the answer.
Somewhere along the way, you learned something is wrong with your body.
The teaching may have come in the form of a sly comment from a friend at summer camp when she pointed to another girl and said “that girl should NOT be wearing that bathing suit”.
The teaching may have come in what you observed. Your mother eating special meals at dinner, not eating cake or ice cream and counting calories.
I grew up dieting. One morning, in middle school, I ate half of a grapefruit and cottage cheese for breakfast. Both were bitter and tasteless, but I ate them anyway. It was all I was allowing myself. That day, I was starved well before the lunch bell.
In high school, I chose frozen yogurt over ice cream. In college, I ate white low fat bread. Early in my professional career, my roommate and I spent countless hours running and in the gym. She and I snacked on Baked Lays and drank lots of Diet Coke.
Shortly after I discovered Intuitive Eating, as scary as it was, I started to eat a wider variety of foods. Which included “forbidden” foods that I had tried so hard to avoid for years and years (but often judged myself relentlessly for eating them).
It didn’t take long for my bingeing to go away. Wahoo! That was a big success! Yet, on occasion, I would still overeat.
I quickly realized that I was doing something that you may be doing too.
Weight loss ads are coming at us fast and furious.
Does this sound familiar?
“Your 2021 is going to be fuckin’ fantastic, because this is your year, it’s time, not for your excuses, but for your dreams to come true, for you to get your life, your health and your confidence back, so you can have amazing relationships, go on great vacations and LOOK fantastic. That’s right, NEW year, NEW you.”
Back in the late 90's, I was the controller for a consulting firm that had all company meetings on Friday mornings. Once a month, I had to stand in front of 50 or so employees and share with them some key financial and operating metrics.
Days before, I'd get a pit in the bottom of my belly. I would prepare by memorizing exactly what I would say. That never helped. I felt like a robot, stiff and rigid, and had little awareness of what I said and how I sounded.
The fear of being in front of a group of people, mostly men, where I was suppose to the expert and authority, left me paralyzed. My mouth would get dry and I'd get sweaty.
Am I the first person to ever ask you that question?
It’s almost irreverent.
With 90% of women dissatisfied with their bodies and nearly half of all adults in the United States having tried to lose weight in the past year, weight loss is serious business (and a massive money making industry).
With all of the press and buzz around Intuitive Eating, I thought I’d drop an episode on the Hungry podcast that offered 5 signs that it’s time to try Intuitive Eating for yourself.
Ultimately, Intuitive Eating offers you 10 principles that guide you to creating a kind, simple and nourishing relationship with food.
Here are 5 signs that it's time to try Intuitive Eating:
In my early 20’s, I was seeing a therapist around my relationship with food. He told me that in order to stay in control around food that I’d need to write down what I ate every single day.
OMG. I was SO angry. And conflicted.
On one hand, it felt like an easy sacrifice to make. Is this all it took? I just needed to write down what I ate every day and I’d be “cured”?
It’s only been a little over 10 days since George Floyd’s death.
Our country has exploded with understandable anger. Thankfully. We have a lot to be pissed off about. Trevor Noah's video has helped me understand this domino effect.
I’m hearing a call within me to not just know that Black Lives Matter, but to live it.
I’ll be transparent. Up until now, I’ve dismissed it. I had no idea how many black lives had been taken at the hands of white police officers. When I did hear a story or I'd watch Colin Kaepernick take a knee, I’d have a heated dinner time conversation with my family. I’d feel bad. I’d feel angry and wonder; Why is this happening? What can we do? And then I'd move on with my life.
Here is a story about “Jo”. Jo has been struggling with emotional eating for a long, long time.
The negotiation began before Jo even opened her eyes. She lay in bed, remembering the night before. Oh, who was she kidding? It wasn’t just last night. The whole freakin’ day was a shit show.
It started with a few cookies at lunch and the rest was history. She ate and ate well into the evening. Constantly grazing on whatever she could find. And now, she had to fix this.
Jo told herself that today would be better. The sun was shining and she’d have a better day with food.
I'm practicing something really important and relevant right now. It may also feel good to you. I thought I'd share my thoughts on video.
Have you ever practiced yin yoga? I'll confess. When I first practiced yin, it was a huge struggle for me.
Unlike my familiar, sweaty and heated power yoga practice where I flow from one pose to the other, yin yoga is all about staying in a pose for what can feel like eternity. Poses last four, five, and sometimes even, ten minutes long.
When practicing yin, it wouldn't take long for me to get so uncomfortable. I'd get restless. My hips would scream at me. I'd start building a case in my mind for why yin was a waste of time. Why stay and hold a pose when I could move and sweat? All I wanted to do was move, but I had to stay.
Yesterday, I sat at my kitchen counter, told Alexa to play this song and let some tears fall. I was sitting with my 16 year old son and he thought this was hysterical (only as a teenage boy could). He yelled up to his sister so she could also witness Mom falling apart.
There was a time in my life when I wouldn’t have allowed myself to feel so much. I would dismiss uncomfortable feelings. I didn’t want to cry or fall apart. I just wanted to stay in control, stick to my routine, and stay on plan. Especially around food. I needed to eat all the right foods and work-out as often as I could. By staying in control I could avoid sadness, anxiety, loneliness and anger.
For the past few weeks, and for who knows how many weeks to come, our familiar routines have vanished. We can’t freely do some of the simplest of things, like drive to our yoga studio or gym, meet up with friends and loved ones, and buy some essential products in our stores.
Trying to control the uncontrollable is no longer an option.
I heard a news report that people are eating more comfort foods, which isn’t real news to me. Everyone is seeking some form of comfort right now. How has it been for you?
If there is a silver lining in any of the COVID-19 pandemic, it’s this. We’re being challenged. Our old safety mechanisms are no longer available.
Creating a way to navigate this moment and the next one will look and feel differently for everyone. I had a fantastic conversation with my friend Dr. Tiffany Denny on my podcast Hungry: Trust Your Body. Free Your Mind. She and I agree that we must move forward with compassion for ourselves and others.
This was one of my biggest personal shifts in my own relationship with food and my body. I practiced self compassion, which meant I could be softer and kinder around how I treated myself. I could let go of the rigidity of plans and give myself permission to be more gentle.
With compassion, we slow down and experience life in a richer and deeper way.
Earlier this week, I caught this video on FB. I felt so light as I laughed and laughed and let some tears fall.
With love and connection~
Tara