Proving Is to Perfectionism As Dieting Is to Thinness

All humans want to belong and feel worthy of connection. 

Diet culture tells us that thin bodies are healthier, more attractive, successful and lovable. 

The cultural narrative from the patriarchy is that women need to do it all and have it all under control. 

Feeling worthy of belonging isn’t something we need to earn. However, we’ve been told we need to be thin and perfect to feel successful, worthy and lovable. 

I call this the Promise of the Thin and Perfect. 

The Promise of the Thin and Perfect has been in place for generations. We were born into it. So were our parents. And grandparents. We haven’t known any other way to feel good about ourselves except to pursue thinness (or maintain it) and perfectionism. 

The assumption is something is wrong. 

Your body is wrong if it’s not thin enough. 

You’re wrong unless you show the world you have your shit together. 

Dieting and proving are ways to fix. 

Dieting is a way we try to fix our bodies. When restricting food and increasing exercise, we hope for a thin body. 

Proving is a way of showing those around us (and even ourselves) that we are enough. 

We've been given a harmful solution. 

Dieting leads to long term weight gain, reduces metabolism, and makes dieters more susceptible to eating disorders. 

Dieting also makes dieters feel like a failure, robs them of time and energy and distracts them from what's more important in their life. 

Proving is fuckin' exhausting. When proving, you can never do enough. As a result, you rarely carve out time to care for yourself or tune into your needs. Proving leads to burn out. 

When proving, you will only feel good about yourself when others validate you. 

Dieting and proving only offer faux safety and faux control. 

If dieting and proving were a valid solution, you would reliably feel peaceful, connected and satisfied. 

Instead, you likely feel like you’re on a gerbil wheel and can’t get off. 

Because diet culture tells you dieting works and you’re encouraged to show the world the put together version of yourself, you likely feel trapped. 

You keep trying to diet better and prove harder. 

We’ve been duped. The Promise of the Thin and Perfect has always been broken. 

It was NEVER designed to make you feel worthy and successful. It was only designed to leave you distracted, feeling like a failure and most importantly, disconnected from your body. 

Dieting is a way of proving. Thinness is a form of perfectionism. 

They are cut from the same cloth. 

You can only feel peaceful and connected, attractive, and worthy when you're connected to your body. 

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. This is what my second book is about! Does it land for you? 

How To Be More Compassionate With Yourself Around Food

Because the conversations you’re having with yourself matter. A lot.

We have conversations in our minds all of the time, often without noticing them. More often than not, the conversations we have with ourselves today are the same ones we had yesterday.

And the day before.

And the day before that.

When it comes to your relationship with food, these conversations play a critical role. You’re already having a conversation in your mind around food. They may sound like this:
“Today will be different. I’ll eat the right things and not overeat.”
“I’ve got this, today I won’t eat too many carbs.”
“I’m going to the gym today to burn off those calories from yesterday.”

These conversations may sound beneficial on the surface, but if you consider the words more carefully, you’ll notice these words may not be helpful at all.

You’re trying to stay in control. You’re trying to be disciplined. You’re not trusting yourself around certain foods. These conversations are really weapons as you continue to fight yourself around food.

Stop Fighting With Yourself Around Food

Fighting with yourself around food takes a lot of energy. Our desire for weight loss often means we’re restricting and dieting, which creates a cycle of deprivation. Our bodies aren’t designed to tolerate deprivation, which is why you likely overeat and binge. You’re not doing anything wrong, it’s the mechanism of dieting that’s making your body react the way it is.

Conversations that encourage more restriction and compliance aren’t kind and certainly don’t fuel a healthy relationship with food.

What’s the Best Way To Avoid This Endless Fight?

Start with noticing these conversations.

Which may be challenging. The dialogue has been there for so long and shows up on the daily, you’re likely not even distinguishing it as something harmful.

The conversations in my mind had me waking dutifully at 5:30 and into my running shoes. I needed to burn the calories from the day before. Today needed to be different.

While pounding the pavement, I’d often rethink and beat myself up for what I ate the day before.
“Why did I eat that bagel? I shouldn’t have eaten that ice cream last night. I’d finish my run with a plan. More salad. More discipline.” I told myself, “I’ve got this. Today would indeed be different.”

But that never happened. It was always Groundhog Day all over again.

This is why I want to offer you a new conversation to have with yourself.

“I Give Myself Permission To…”

One of my favorite phrases opens up a new way to be around food, with more kindness and compassion — “I give myself permission….”

Instead of forcing yourself into being disciplined and compliant, consider how you can give yourself permission to:

• Listen to your body.

• Recognize your hunger and nourish yourself when your body is eager for food.

• Rest.

• Give yourself a break from work.

• Walk instead of run.

New Possibilities

You may be labeling how you eat in one of two ways; good or bad. Yet, when you start having a gentler conversation with yourself, you’ll start caring for yourself differently. You may notice your own willingness to prioritize simple needs, like rest and adequate nourishment.

Go ahead, give yourself permission. After all, you’re the only one who can.

Does dieting help you lose weight?

We all know the answer. No. Of course not. Isn’t it common knowledge that dieting doesn’t work? 

Oh, wait, you haven’t heard? In that case, check out this research study. Or this study of dieting, weight gain, and children. Or, try this one. Wait, one more. 

But, we don’t need research articles to tell us something we’ve learned from experience. 

Remember your first diet? The first time I tried Weight Watchers, it worked. Really well. I was relentless with my point counting, recipe researching, and meal planning. After a few months, I was back to my high school weight. Success. 

Even before I started Weight Watchers, I had heard some rumblings about how dieting didn’t work. I even heard that dieting led to weight gain. But I thought, No. Not me. 

Those statistics don’t apply to me. 

I’m disciplined. I’m focused. 

I’m a good dieter. 

I’d prove them wrong. 

I’d be the exception.  

I’d be in the 5% that could diet and keep the weight off. 

I’d be special.

We both know how this story goes. The weight stays off until it doesn’t.

When I tried Weight Watchers a second time after the birth of my second son, I thought that if it worked once, it should work again, right? I started with all of the same intentions and motivations. I was determined. 

Yet, after a few days, I’d forget to log my points in. I’d let myself snack on a bagel from my office’s break room. I’d make a big batch of veggie soup on Sunday but it would stay in the fridge, untouched. I’d throw out a head of lettuce or zucchini at the end of the week because they went bad. 

Basically, I was really disinterested. And, no matter how good my self pep talk was every morning, I couldn’t stick to dieting.

Can you relate?  

Not being able to successfully diet was secretly devastating to me. How could I lose weight if I couldn’t diet? What other options do I have? 

Without dieting, you may fear being out of control around food. You may worry you’ll be overeating all the time or binging on ice cream or cookies. You may be so afraid you’ll gain weight. I also know that fear and hopelessness. 

For motivated and action-oriented women like you and I, the worst thing you can do is give us a problem without a way to solve it. We will keep trying something over and over until we find something that works. That’s just the way we’re wired. We don’t like failing and we don’t like giving up. 

So, today, if you are in this place, I want to offer you a concrete action step. Something you can do that may spark some hope inside of you. Something that moves you toward letting go of something that doesn’t work and doesn’t serve you. 

Reacquaint yourself with your own physical hunger and fullness. The best way to do this is to be in conversation with your body. Ask your body questions and be willing to listen for answers. 

What does your hunger feel like in your body? When you spend time with it, you may be surprised that it’s not just an empty belly. 

What does feeling satisfied or content feel like in your body? Notice your energy levels. 

I invite you to get curious and interested in what your body is willing to share. After years of dieting, we turn away from our body’s signals and turn toward rules, lists and calorie trackers. We both know this doesn’t work. The research just confirms our own intuition. 

Done with dieting? Yet, wondering why your relationship with food hasn't improved?

Let’s chat if you’re so done with dieting. You know diets don’t work. You are tired of sacrificing and restricting. You know that it’s just not worth it.

Would you like to feel peaceful around food and your body? That’s what I wanted most. I wanted to just relax around food and appreciate my body’s strength. I also wondered if maybe, someday, I could even love my body. Imagine that?! 

When I recognized that dieting was getting in my way of feeling peaceful around food, I felt like I was walking into unchartered territory. Dieting was all I knew, but I didn’t want to do it. I no longer wanted to diet and restrict what I ate. Yet, my relationship with food and my body wasn’t getting any better. I was still overeating. I was still feeling guilty. I was still worried about gaining weight. Doesn’t sound so peaceful, does it? 

Can you see yourself in that uncharted territory with food? I found the hardest part about being in this place was that I was constantly questioning myself. Could I trust myself to stay in control around food? Did I always need the security of a diet plan? Was I eating the right thing? 

Here’s the thing. Dieting habits lingers. We so dutifully follow certain rules when we were trying to lose weight. When we stop dieting, the rules don’t just disappear. Instead, they stick around. A part of us, possibly without realizing it, still tries to follow these rules that are so ingrained in us. 

There are some common dieting symptoms that I’ve noticed with my clients. Check these out. They may give you a good idea if you may still be dieting without realizing it. 

1. You’re always thinking about food and when you will eat again. You’re searching for recipes and talking about what you just ate or plan to eat with friends and coworkers. 

2. Before you eat, you consider if you “should be eating that”. Should you be hungry? Should you eat that piece of cake? Should you have the stir fry or the cheeseburger? Food decisions are made from your head and not from your body.   

3. You’re trying to “be good” by not eating certain foods or not eating during certain times of the day. You try to not eat before 12pm or after 7pm. You try to eat only 3 meals a day or just 2 meals a day or 3 meals a day and 2 snacks a day. 

4. You plan for big meals or certain food treats by limiting other meals or increasing exercise. You plan to burn off that dessert with a spin class, long run or extra time in the gym. You’ll skip breakfast for lunch out even though you’re hungry.  Or, you’ll eat a small meal in anticipation for a big one even when your body wanted more food at the time. 

5. You’re counting, either in your head or on an app how many points, grams or calories you’ve just eaten. You’re budgeting for how much more you can eat. 

Considering these symptoms for yourself can help you create more awareness around your relationship with food. When you realize that old patterns may be holding you back, you can let them go. We can’t let go of something we don’t realize we’re holding onto. 

If dieting is still lingering in your relationship with food and you’re interested in finding a way to a peaceful place, check out The Connection Experiment. This 14-day online program offers you concrete practices on listening to your intuitive body’s wisdom and ultimately, feel relaxed around food. 

You may feel like you’re in uncharted territory now. But you don’t need to be there for long. The practice of connecting with your body is simpler than you may think. I discuss this at length in Hungry: Trust Your Body and Free Your Mind around Food. Check out a copy for yourself! 

And lastly. Let me offer you ONE simple thing that I find so helpful. When you feel uncertain and are questioning how to make food choices, take a few moments and become aware of your breathing. Feel your breath. Watch it. Listen to it. Your breath is a concrete physical experience that can calm and center you. Let your breath remind you that you’ve got this. 

With love and connection~ 

Tara