Being hooked on the hustle was all about my fear of being alone
I’ve been known to wear hard work and busyness as a badge of honor. In high school, I’d often run from softball practice to a babysitting gig, with just a quick shower and a snack on the run. In college, there was even more to keep me busy. Running on the cross country team, volunteering at the student credit union, and studying hard. There was no limit to what I could pack into my schedule. The more the better. I was in constant motion.
Busy and Hard Work Were the Same Thing
Wikipedia may not define busyness and hard work in the same way, but I did. Could one work hard without being busy? Could one be busy without working hard? Yes and yes. But I didn’t know how to separate the two. And frankly, I didn’t want to.
An Addiction to Busyness
I loved being so busy. Doing so much left me feeling so accomplished. My work ethic was something that set me apart from the crowd. In college, I had this snarky little voice that often looked down at my peers when they were sleeping in on the weekends or they told me about their B on an exam. “Hmmph. I guess you didn’t work hard enough.” I thought.
I was working late one night in the office when Bob poked his head in my office. At the end of the conversation he said “Tara, you’re the Tina Turner of public accounting.” It was a funny comment to hear. According to Bob, working until 9 pm put me on par with one of the greatest superstars of all time. That was just more fuel to toss on my hard work fire. What Bob may have overlooked is that he was in the office, too.
In a world where I didn’t quite know my worth, I reached and strived for the most logical way I could find it; hard work. I could earn my value and everyone around me agreed. Our names get posted in the newspaper when we achieve high honors. We get awarded great jobs because of our grades and extracurricular activities. Promotions don’t just land in our lap. We work for them. Our business revenues don’t increase on their own. Growth and expansion take effort. Lots and lots of effort.
Have you noticed this too? Busyness becomes a lifeline, something that assures our safety when we don’t know where we stand in the world. “I feel good when I accomplish something”, seemingly benign words may sound like common sense.
Yet, who are we when we aren’t working our asses off?
The Price We Pay for the Hustle
Are you running on fumes?
When you hit the proverbial wall at 3 pm, instead of finding yourself laying down on your bed for a nap, do you find yourself in the Dunkin’ drive-through for some cold brew and energy to get you through the second shift of your day?
We hustle to and sometimes through our exhaustion. And, without realizing why we’re hustling, there is a risk that you’ll keep doing it. The only thing that may stop you is when your body collapses, gets sick, or get injured.
I tore my shoulder rotator cuff while snowboarding a few years back. One of my kids cut in front of me and I reached back to stop myself from falling. Any medical doctor would say the cause of my injury was my fall. But it wasn’t. My body was exhausted. I was running three businesses. My three kids were in the thick of elementary school and middle school. My body kept whispering, this is too much. Slow down. Rest. I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and they couldn’t take another ounce of busyness.
But I didn’t, couldn’t, and had no idea how to listen to my body back then. All I knew was the hustle. The hustle worked until my body failed. Which may be happening to you. Our body knows what it needs and it knows when it needs rest. Prioritizing hard work at the expense of the care of your body never works in the long run.
Our body’s whispers will turn to assertive demands, which will turn into screams. When we don’t listen to the screams, she’ll take us out. She tried to tell us nicely. She was persistent. But she won’t be silenced. Not when it comes to keeping herself in balance. And that’s exactly who pays the price when we hustle for hustle sake. Our body.
If It’s Going to Be, It’s Gotta Be Me
I have a deep-rooted fear that I’m alone. It’s raw and when I leave it unchecked, it feels so friggin’ real. I can look around at my husband, my kids, my family, and friends, and my logical brain says, what are you talking about? You’re not alone.
The fear of being alone is indifferent to reality. I’ll have a vision of myself in this tiny rowboat in the middle of an ocean. It’s stormy, the waves are high, and the skies are gray.
I’m all by myself, doing life on my own. No one is there to keep me safe. No one is there to protect me. No one is there to send me a fuckin’ lifeline. If I’m going to survive the storm, I need to row. Just me. In my tiny rowboat.
No wonder I needed the hustle to survive the first few decades of my life. My busyness saved me until it broke me.
Slowing Down Is Scary
At first, I needed certain conditions in place to slow down and relax. Slowing down only came after every other responsibility was taken care of. Did I deserve a beach resort vacation? Yes, when I worked twice as hard to make sure to work, projects. and home were all taken care of while I was away.
I hear this from my clients too. At the end of the day, the dishwasher needs to be loaded, the kitchen cleaned, and laundry started, then and only then, can they relax. There is that earning thing again.
Healing My Relationship with Food
While I was working hard and living a self-imposed busy life, I was also taking on a part-time job called weight loss. I was good at being busy with trying to lose weight. My work ethic was ideal for reading books, following programs, tracking calories, running miles, and spending hours in the gym. I was disciplined and trying to lose weight with hard work was another way for me to stay busy.
Something started to shift inside of me when I started to practice yoga and meditation. I started to become aware of my patterns. Instead of living inside of the dysfunction, I could witness it. I started to notice the pain and suffering I was feeling around food. How critical I was of myself and my body, how often I thought about food and what to eat, the rollercoaster ride I took every time I stepped on the scale, and the overeating and bingeing.
Something needed to change and I started with food. It was the most painful thing in my life at the time. I could be busy, but I couldn’t do the aching belly from eating a sleeve of cookies and ½ bag of Hershey Kisses.
Noticing My Body
For the first time in my life, I started to follow my hunger and fullness sensations. While dieting, I dismissed them and tried to ignore them. I started to tune in to my body, which opened the door just enough for me to notice other signals my body was sharing with me.
When I was in the hustle, there was no time or patience for me to notice my body. But now, I was intentionally stopping and inviting these sensations in. It was like my body came back to life and said, “Thanks for listening! I have so much more to share with you.” And the sensations came through, whether I liked it or not. I couldn’t stop listening because I knew it was the healing I wanted and needed.
There was a time in my life when I needed to be busy. It was the only way I knew myself. But this self was fearful, she had something to prove. When she was busy, she didn’t feel alone. Her busyness kept her running from the rowboat.
It’s All About Connection
As I started to get to know my body, I found my safety. It wasn’t in my accomplishments, it was within my own energy and being. I don’t want to paint the wrong picture. I still hustle, until I catch myself. I notice when I push and work hard for no reason. It happens, but not for long. Because my body lets me know when I need rest and when I need to slow down.
I have the healing of my relationship with food to thank. It brought me back to my body, where I can be present to myself and the world around me. When I was fearful of being alone, hard work, busyness, and weight loss were all of those things I did to prove myself. I had to show the world I was worth loving and accepting. Now, I have a way of connecting to my wholeness. And that connection needs no hustle.