Proving Is to Perfectionism As Dieting Is to Thinness

All humans want to belong and feel worthy of connection. 

Diet culture tells us that thin bodies are healthier, more attractive, successful and lovable. 

The cultural narrative from the patriarchy is that women need to do it all and have it all under control. 

Feeling worthy of belonging isn’t something we need to earn. However, we’ve been told we need to be thin and perfect to feel successful, worthy and lovable. 

I call this the Promise of the Thin and Perfect. 

The Promise of the Thin and Perfect has been in place for generations. We were born into it. So were our parents. And grandparents. We haven’t known any other way to feel good about ourselves except to pursue thinness (or maintain it) and perfectionism. 

The assumption is something is wrong. 

Your body is wrong if it’s not thin enough. 

You’re wrong unless you show the world you have your shit together. 

Dieting and proving are ways to fix. 

Dieting is a way we try to fix our bodies. When restricting food and increasing exercise, we hope for a thin body. 

Proving is a way of showing those around us (and even ourselves) that we are enough. 

We've been given a harmful solution. 

Dieting leads to long term weight gain, reduces metabolism, and makes dieters more susceptible to eating disorders. 

Dieting also makes dieters feel like a failure, robs them of time and energy and distracts them from what's more important in their life. 

Proving is fuckin' exhausting. When proving, you can never do enough. As a result, you rarely carve out time to care for yourself or tune into your needs. Proving leads to burn out. 

When proving, you will only feel good about yourself when others validate you. 

Dieting and proving only offer faux safety and faux control. 

If dieting and proving were a valid solution, you would reliably feel peaceful, connected and satisfied. 

Instead, you likely feel like you’re on a gerbil wheel and can’t get off. 

Because diet culture tells you dieting works and you’re encouraged to show the world the put together version of yourself, you likely feel trapped. 

You keep trying to diet better and prove harder. 

We’ve been duped. The Promise of the Thin and Perfect has always been broken. 

It was NEVER designed to make you feel worthy and successful. It was only designed to leave you distracted, feeling like a failure and most importantly, disconnected from your body. 

Dieting is a way of proving. Thinness is a form of perfectionism. 

They are cut from the same cloth. 

You can only feel peaceful and connected, attractive, and worthy when you're connected to your body. 

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. This is what my second book is about! Does it land for you? 

What If You Stopped Trying to Lose Weight?

This post isn't for everyone. But if you're tired, exhausted and frustrated with battling with your body around food, then read on. 

You may be thinking… 

What? No. I couldn't possibly do that. 

If you’ve been trying to lose weight for as long as you can remember, I realize asking you to stop doing something that you’ve been doing for most of your life may feel uncomfortable. 

It may feel foreign. As if you lived in northern Maine your whole life and then you moved to Miami. 

You may object to not TRYING to lose weight because you don’t feel good at your current weight. 

Of course you want to feel good. Let’s consider what’s going on around us. 

If you’ve ever been at a lower weight, people paid attention to you. They encouraged you and your lower weight. It feels good when people approve of us. (btw- take this even deeper; when loved ones approve of us, we feel safe and a sense of belonging.) 

Not only that, we receive messages from our culture that thin bodies are more attractive. Our medical community and wellness culture tells us that thin bodies are healthier. 

You may even believe that you’ll feel more successful in your life if your body was thinner. 

We live in a world with weight bias. This means that the world rewards thin bodies and harms fat bodies. This bias is everywhere. In our homes, schools, work, doctor's offices, and social media feeds. 

Fat people aren't treated well. Of course you wouldn't want to live in a world where you aren't treated well. 

BUT (you knew this was coming, right?). Has TRYING to lose weight helped you to lose weight? 

Or, has trying to lose weight made you feel like a failure? Has it made you obsess about food? Has it eroded your confidence and peace of mind? Has it cost you a lot of time, energy and money with NO results? 

Here is the truth: 

We’ve been told our body is the problem. In fact, our body is the solution. 

Trying to lose weight has disconnected you from your body. You’ve separated yourself from it. That’s why trying to lose weight feels so exhausting and frustrating. You’ve been living at a distance from the one thing that will offer you the success, joy and peace you’ve been seeking. 

It may feel like too much for you to stop trying to lose weight right now. So, here is my invitation to you: 

Put weight loss on hold. Just for today. Or just for this week. Just for this month. 

When you consider that idea, how does your body react? Does it relax? Do you feel a sense of ease and relief? That's a yes.