Earning vs. Deserving

the mindset shift that will heal your relationship with food and your body

My high school softball coach had a sign in her office; “The harder you work, the luckier you get.” These words became my mantra. And then I made them true.  In all areas of my life but one. When I worked hard, I was rewarded. I worked hard and got lucky on the field, at school and in the office. 

I tried for decades to apply this “work hard and good luck will come” mentality to my body and weight loss.  And diet culture agreed and cheered me on.  I believed I just needed more discipline to stay away from forbidden foods, better time management skills to prep meals for the week, and energy to exercise and work out to burn calories. 

Yet, it never worked for me. And it probably isn’t working for you either. Here’s why: 

Diet culture markets their products by telling us that a thinner body will make them feel confident and happy. We see pictures of people that have tried and “been successful” using their product in a slim body, nice clothes with an attractive friend or partner.  

We’ve been sold and told that the only way to be happy is to earn it by achieving a thin body. 

It’s okay to earn our accomplishments. But we don’t need to earn happiness, confidence and peace. 

Yet, what breaks my heart is the underlying belief I hear in my clients stories over and over again. They feel like they need to earn fundament things like: 

Rest

Nourishment

Peace

Ease

Relaxation

Contentment

Because we live in a culture that tells us that if our body isn’t acceptable, we need to:

1. Work hard to achieve one that is with sacrifice and hard work. 

2. Forgo basic needs until it is acceptable. 

When we need to earn our happiness because of our body size, we are just sacrificing the quality of our lives. Again and again. 

The only person that can give you what you desire is you. We don’t need to earn a happy life. 

What are you waiting for? When you retire? When you’ve finally lost those 10 lbs that you’ve been trying to lose for the past 15 years? When you have a perfect food day? When you’ve burned enough calories? 

The earning mentality has been instilled in us and we need to shift it to knowing we deserve care and respect. We deserve love. Simply because we exist. 

You deserve to feel comfortable in your own skin no matter what. You deserve rest. You deserve to feel satiated. You deserve to enjoy the food you eat. You deserve to feel safe.

What Happened When My Clothes Stopped Fitting

I’m waiting for my new jeans from Universal Standard to be delivered any moment now. I dropped off 4 pairs of jeans at the local consignment shop because they no longer fit me. 

I’m giving myself permission to wear clothes that fit me well and that I like to wear. 

AND, this has been hard. 

I’ve been recognizing this old voice inside of me. She was asking What did I do wrong? Am I not tuned into my body enough? Should I be exercising more? Am I not drinking enough water? 

As I was processing this over the past few days, at the heart of what I was asking myself is: Have I failed?

After years of practicing intuitive eating and coaching my clients to do the same, it’s important for you to know that I still was temporarily hooked by the thin body ideal. That part of me is seeing my body as something that’s wrong because my jeans no longer fit. This old voice wants to fix what I see as broken. 

I compassionately observed my thinking around this and noticed a few emotions that came up. Guilt and hopelessness. It felt like I was trapped and there was only one way out (needing to fix my body). 

I recognized these familiar feelings. In the past, I had used these feelings as motivation for what I thought was “positive” change. But motivation that comes from shame doesn’t last. 

Letting go of clothes that don’t fit was a proactive and bold move on my part. In the past, I was hoping they would be a reminder of what was possible (being thinner). But that never motivated me either. 

Some new questions to consider for myself popped in: 

What if I did nothing wrong? 

What if I don’t need to be doing it right? 

I felt this liberation emerge in my body. When I’m not attached to the definitions of right or wrong around food and body weight that diet culture created for me, I’m free to choose what works for me. 

I didn’t need to battle with the reaction of “I need to fix my body”, I just needed to notice it. 

Exploring this freedom around my body became light and fun. 

The questions continued… 

What if I was so free from expectations around my body that I could just love it so much? 

I could treat it without limits or restrictions, without complacency or history. I wouldn’t need my body to be anything to anyone, I could just be free to live inside of it. I could just care for it. 

My body has been through a lot in the past 5 years. I made some major professional changes (including publishing my book), had two surgeries, and like everyone, have been living through a pandemic. 

Which is why I’m so open to this deeper level of healing. It was time for me to gently process some of these emotions and let them go, just like I let go of these old jeans.  

If you’re like me, and your clothes don’t fit, consider letting them go and investing in some that do. Doing so may bring you the liberation and love you’ve been looking for.