I’m waiting for my new jeans from Universal Standard to be delivered any moment now. I dropped off 4 pairs of jeans at the local consignment shop because they no longer fit me.
I’m giving myself permission to wear clothes that fit me well and that I like to wear.
AND, this has been hard.
I’ve been recognizing this old voice inside of me. She was asking What did I do wrong? Am I not tuned into my body enough? Should I be exercising more? Am I not drinking enough water?
As I was processing this over the past few days, at the heart of what I was asking myself is: Have I failed?
After years of practicing intuitive eating and coaching my clients to do the same, it’s important for you to know that I still was temporarily hooked by the thin body ideal. That part of me is seeing my body as something that’s wrong because my jeans no longer fit. This old voice wants to fix what I see as broken.
I compassionately observed my thinking around this and noticed a few emotions that came up. Guilt and hopelessness. It felt like I was trapped and there was only one way out (needing to fix my body).
I recognized these familiar feelings. In the past, I had used these feelings as motivation for what I thought was “positive” change. But motivation that comes from shame doesn’t last.
Letting go of clothes that don’t fit was a proactive and bold move on my part. In the past, I was hoping they would be a reminder of what was possible (being thinner). But that never motivated me either.
Some new questions to consider for myself popped in:
What if I did nothing wrong?
What if I don’t need to be doing it right?
I felt this liberation emerge in my body. When I’m not attached to the definitions of right or wrong around food and body weight that diet culture created for me, I’m free to choose what works for me.
I didn’t need to battle with the reaction of “I need to fix my body”, I just needed to notice it.
Exploring this freedom around my body became light and fun.
The questions continued…
What if I was so free from expectations around my body that I could just love it so much?
I could treat it without limits or restrictions, without complacency or history. I wouldn’t need my body to be anything to anyone, I could just be free to live inside of it. I could just care for it.
My body has been through a lot in the past 5 years. I made some major professional changes (including publishing my book), had two surgeries, and like everyone, have been living through a pandemic.
Which is why I’m so open to this deeper level of healing. It was time for me to gently process some of these emotions and let them go, just like I let go of these old jeans.
If you’re like me, and your clothes don’t fit, consider letting them go and investing in some that do. Doing so may bring you the liberation and love you’ve been looking for.